a little house keeping

Welcome to the dusted off, new and improved old blog of mine. After reaching out to the lovely Audrey at Stuff Audrey Says about some redesign and rebranding, I decided to combine this blog with my other one. I pretty much gave her full reign only requesting something clean and simple. I absolutely adore how it turned out.

I've dabbled in blogging since 2006.  Boy does that feel like a really long time ago. I stopped posting here in 2009 and for the most part banished this space to the land of misfit blogs.  It's funny (and a little embarrassing) to go back and read really old posts.

It feels a bit like going out on a limb to resurrect this blog, and I'm still finding my voice, but I know one thing is for sure; I'll never find it not trying. Here's to new interweb adventures.

breastfeeding: a labor of love

Like my birth experience where I assumed a natural birth outside of a hospital would be no question (birth story to come eventually) I assumed I would be able to breastfeed no problem. Well at least after the learning curve.

As I will detail in my birth story, I did not get to hold or meet my baby for four hours after he was born.  I don't remember the first time I breastfed him, but I know I did shortly after he was put in my arms thanks to the video my sweet husband had the forethought to take because he asked me if I wanted the Boppy.  The video stops there unfortunately.

I remember Liam latching like a little champ and being so thankful considering all we had been through.  I remember nursing him until he was milk drunk and it being the best feeling in the world. Lactation consultants flittered in and out of our room during our three days in the hospital, and all affirmed we were doing great.  I complained a few times to the nurses that my nipples were really sore. They all said it was initial soreness from nursing for the first time.  By the time we left the hospital my nipples were bruised, cracked, scabbed and hurting so badly.

On our way home from the hospital I asked my husband to stop by The Baby Grocery Store to buy some Earth Mama Angel Baby Natural Nipple Butter and Booby Tubes because my girls were screaming.  The first night home was awful.  I was in so much pain that I dreaded nursing.  Liam screamed because he was hungry.  My milk hadn't come in and I was practically starving him. Patrick and I were up nearly all night with a screaming baby and feeling completely helpless. I refused to give him formula.  I was determined to make breastfeeding work.  We were going to do this!

The next morning we went to our pediatrician where we learned within one day he went from a 6% to 11% weight loss.  When I told them formula wasn't an option they wanted me to see a lactation consultant that day.  I decided to wait to see my midwife the next day.  That night was equally as awful.  Liam screamed for hours and couldn't be consoled.  When I couldn't take the screaming for a minute longer, I would nurse until I couldn't take the pain any longer.  At 2:30 am I told Patrick to get the formula.  He responded, "Isn't that giving in?"  I said, "It doesn't matter!  This is child abuse!"  We gave him 1 oz of formula in hopes it would help him sleep.

I felt relief when daylight came because that meant we were going to see our midwife, and I had hope we could get some answers.  She noticed his upper lip frenum was thick.  I nursed, and we weighed him before and after.  He gained half an ounce, and my midwife was pleased with that.  She noted the cocktail of drugs during labor could be the reason my milk hadn't come in yet.

After another terrible night, we had a lactation consultant come to our house.  This time he only gained 5 ml after nursing.  She said we had to start supplementing right away.  I was heart broken. She gave us a supplemental nursing system, which I hated.  It took Patrick and I both to get Liam latched with the little tube in his mouth.  I began wondering how I would feed Liam after Patrick went back to work.  She looked at his mouth and didn't think we needed to do anything about his lip tie.  I was to use the SNS system and pump for 15 minutes after every feeding.

This schedule was sending me straight to crazy town.  I was an emotional wreck and exhausted.  I was healing from major surgery, hurting emotionally from the loss of my natural birth, and now trying to wrap my head around not being able to exclusively nurse my baby as I had planned. I began pumping and finger feeding him with the SNS to allow my damaged nipples time to heal.  I didn't pump as often as I really should have, and I felt so much guilt about it.

I started reaching out to my co workers wife who is very involved with Le Leche League.  I also got connected with a Breastfeeding USA volunteer.  These amazing and supportive women helped me keep going.  They encouraged me in all the hard work I was doing and worked with me to try to figure out what was going on.  We started seeing a pediatric chiropractor but still no change in the agonizing pain I was experiencing.

At two weeks I took Liam back to the pediatrician because I thought he might have reflux.  I described some of the things he was doing when eating, and she wanted me to see an Occupational Therapist.  We went that afternoon.  She agreed with our midwife that his maxillary labial frenum was thick and needed to be corrected.  She was amazing and so helpful!  Now came the tricky part of finding someone we felt comfortable with to correct it.

There was a pediatric dentist who would do it, but they didn't have a lot of experience with it.  I called the ENT I was referred to and when I asked them questions about how they do the procedure the lady kept saying, "I can't give you medical advice."  I'm not asking for medical advice!  I just want to know HOW you do the procedure before I make an appointment and waste time and money. NEXT!

Then there was the pediatrician who I was told corrected lip ties.  I called to make an appointment and was told they only see established patients. My co worker's wife suggested I get established even if I didn't plan to continue going there.  I felt kinda shady about doing that, but I was desperate.  We made the long drive on a cold rainy day.  It's a huge practice, and there were a bagillion people in the waiting area.  I'm not a fan of large medical practices. When we see the doctor, he makes a comment about how it sounds like our reason for coming is to correct the lip tie. I guess he was onto us.

He checked Liam's lip and said he wouldn't do anything about it. He has their lactation consultant come in and see us. She looks at my breasts, throws out some medical terms, and leaves the room. Mind you this is the lactation consultant who I have been told by several LLL people is the best of the best in Charlotte. The doctor comes back and basically goes on to say formula isn't that bad and breastfeeding wasn't going to work out for us in so many words.

I was heartbroken.  So heartbroken.  Despite what this doctor said I decided I was not going to give up on breastfeeding.  Patrick and I were talking about going to NY where there is a pediatric dentist who is the expert at correcting lip and tongue ties. It was going to be a gruelling and expensive trip, but I was willing to do anything to salvage any kind of breastfeeding relationship I could.

Two different LLL mamas suggested calling a dentist practically in my backyard about correcting the lip tie. This dentist is only in Cornelius two days a week so it took a few days of phone tag to actually talk with someone, but they were willing to see Liam.  I went on a Tuesday, and he said he could do it the next day. He uses a laser and only did topical anesthesia.  This was a big deal because most people will either use general anesthesia or local anesthesia, so the fact that he only used a topical was great.  He's not even open on Wednesdays but understanding the urgency of our situation he asked if we could come in the next day.

I met him there the next morning, and it was just the dentist, Liam, and I.  He had told me to give him some Tylenol and Motrin an hour before. Liam cried during the procedure, but I think it was more from having someone hold his upper lip than anything.  The area looked gross afterward, but otherwise he seemed fine the rest of the day.  He was exhausted after the procedure, so we went home and snuggled.

I was warned by the Breastfeeding USA volunteer that things might not change right away.  I'm glad she did because she was right, and I knew not to get discouraged.  I kept pumping, despite the ridiculously low amount I was getting, and kept trying to nurse.  In one of her emails she said,
"I'm impressed that you are still pumping, that you've moved forward with getting Liam's issues diagnosed and treated, that you're still in the game! You must have a will of titanium, girlfriend! "
The tears came as I read this.  Her encouragement meant so much to me.  She came to my house shortly after his frenectomy and spent a couple of hours observing Liam's latch and making some suggestions on how to more comfortably breastfeed.  I'm forever grateful to the support I received from her and the LLL women.  I'm also grateful to my uber supportive husband.

Around week 9 or 10 nursing got so much better.  There was no longer searing, f bomb dropping kind of pain.  In 40 hours of natural labor I never once dropped an f bomb. However, they flew freely when Liam would latch. The pain was SEARING.

I would nurse him every morning and evening before giving him a bottle.  It's was wonderful being able to nurse him to sleep.  It was not his main source of nutrition, but I could comfort and connect with him.

Then...oh then...he started getting frustrated at the breast and not wanting to nurse.  If I tried to offer him my breast when he was hungry it would make him cry louder, which broke my heart.  He realized there wasn't much milk in there. I tried not to get discouraged but simply just kept pumping and trying to offer the breast later.  Anytime he chose to latch I was simply grateful.

I went back to work and was able to continue breast feeding until he absolutely refused to latch. He would get mad and cry. I felt like he was rejecting me. I had worked so hard.

Looking back I am still sad but grateful to the short time I was able to breastfeed comfortably. It was a great joy to nurse him to sleep and give him what I had. I continued to pump and stopped at 6 months. I didn't intentionally stop pumping. I started struggling with serious exhaustion that lasted for a couple of weeks, and I was pumping less often. This all but extinguished my supply. I had intended to pump for at least a year despite the tiny amounts of output.

I still have the last bit of pumped milk in the fridge even though it is unusable and needs to be thrown away. At the time I didn't know it would be the last of the milk I would produce for now. I haven't been able to bring myself to throw it out yet. I finally packed the pump away. There was both relief, guilt, and deep sadness in closing a really big door on this chapter of motherhood.

a sacred & hard season

I have had a heightened sense since my son was born just how sacred and fleeting these days are. Some days more than others, but I feel the season of being a mommy to a baby Liam slipping away like sand in an hour glass.  I'm afraid I'm missing it.

I'm not going to sugar coat it.  It's not what I do.  But this season of our life has been hard.  Really hard. The transition into parenthood is hard enough, but we did it all while having a lot of things implode around us.  My beautiful birth center birth turned into a hospital c-section nightmare.  My lovely birth center turned into a place I don't like. Breastfeeding was one of the most challenging things I have ever fought for and a loss I grieve deeply.  For a few beautiful weeks I was able to give him what little milk I had before he started refusing to latch.  At the time I didn't know it would only last for such a short time.

I told Patrick a few weeks ago this season of life has felt like we're stranded on a deserted island surrounded by infested waters.  We're alone and constantly fighting creatures that come up on shore threatening to attack us.  We keep sending God an S.O.S.  He continues to deliver provision to the island, but I want God to send a helicopter to rescue us.

I wish I could say I was passing this test with flying colors.  I'm not.  I'm failing miserably, which discourages me even more because I wonder if my own inability is going to make this season last for a really looooong time.  I know God's grace is bigger though.

Motherhood is lonely.  Everyday feels like I'm just trying to survive.  Get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, play a little, and then pray that Liam will go to sleep at a decent hour so that I can have just a little bit of free time before I go to bed and do it all over again.  I feel guilty for saying that or having those feelings. Liam is delightful.  Legit he is such an easy baby.  People comment all the time about how happy he is. The Lord is teaching me so much about JOY through this little soul.

There is hope on the horizon, but my fear tells me not to let it get out of hand lest I end up disappointed.  I know we'll come through this and look back wondering why we didn't just trust the Lord with reckless abandon all along.  There will be more difficult seasons to wade through once this one is over.  It's all an ebb and flow.  Hopefully if I learn anything about this season it will be that our little family is resilient.  That I'm resilient.  I know with the Lord I can be if I choose to keep my eyes on Him instead of the mountain that needs moving.

birth matters

I have done a lot of processing and grieving of my birth experience.  I know most people don't get it, and that's OK.  I'm grateful to have a handful of people in my life who get it, who understand the loss I feel.

Someone sent me this article which I found tremendously helpful.

"Birth is a life-defining experience that sticks with you.  Ask most moms about their birth stories, and you can see and hear the emotions rush back as they share.  These are stories—good or bad—that we vividly relive over and over, whether we want to or not.  And let’s not forget that our experiences can have major, lasting, and permanent health consequences.  Our birth stories affect the postpartum period (baby blues, anyone?), our relationships with our babies and families, and our attitudes about ourselves and future births."

A-freaking-men.

I've gone through so many what ifs.  I don't waste much energy on the things I couldn't control or change.  However I think a lot about and regret deeply that I did not hire a doula.  I had one on standby in case I didn't manage well, but I actually coped really well with laboring.  I did labor naturally for 40 hours after all. I feel confident if I had found the focus I had toward the end of my time at the birth center sooner things could have been different.  Patrick was a great support, but I didn't like him giving me suggestions.  He had no idea what I was experiencing.  Another woman who had been through birth before to cheer me on I believe could have changed the whole outcome.

I struggled with fear.  I told my midwife I was afraid of pushing the baby out.  She said I needed to let it go.  I knew that, but I didn't know how.  I also held back a lot during the day while I was laboring because there was construction going on right outside the birth room I was in.  My midwife asked me if the noise bothered me, and I said no.  However knowing there were construction men who could hear me vocalizing through each contraction (I knew they could hear me because I could hear them) made me hold back.  I wasn't comfortable letting go because I didn't have privacy.  I wasn't in a mind frame to communicate what I needed either.  I was focused on getting through each contraction as quietly as possible. Not what a laboring woman needs to do.  She needs space to roar!

When we got home from the hospital I would take a shower and just want to cry.  Cry until there were no more tears, but I couldn't because it was too painful physically.  I had all this sadness and emotion that needed to come out.  I couldn't even laugh.  Taking a shower, getting dressed, walking the stairs in our house, picking up the baby....everything was an ordeal because I was healing from major surgery.  I couldn't believe that out of all the people I knew who had had c-sections they never talked about how hard this was!  I kept thinking, "Who the hell chooses this?"  Then breastfeeding fell apart.  Then I found out my placenta was infected and couldn't be encapsulated.  I couldn't even hold the tears back from that phone call before hanging up.  Greif, upon greif, upon grief.

There were things, sometimes really small things, that would send me fast into a downward spiral. Like seeing all the birth announcements from my birth center pop up in my newsfeed on Facebook. I read announcements for baby after baby born beautifully and naturally while pregnant and had looked forward to my own.  Except there was none. After Liam's birth I would see one while scrolling through Facebook on my phone and was suddenly thrust into the most unbearable sadness. No welcome to the family for us.  It felt like those births were beautiful and worth celebrating and mine wasn't. I felt like an outsider, a birth center reject, but ultimately like a failure.

We were supposed to have free birth photography, but 30 minutes after she arrived we left for the hospital.  Almost two months later my midwife contacted me asking for the photographer's information.  At first I was excited to hear from her and quickly sent over the information.  Then the deepest sadness hit me.  Someone else was going to get their beautiful natural birth photographed for free because I didn't.  I was at work doing payroll when I got the request.  I went into a trance of sadness and somehow managed to delete all of January's payroll (I was currently working on February's).  What normally takes me about 20 minutes to complete took three hours.  It took me several days to shake the sadness.

As things have unfolded and tangled webs have spun I have found myself at times stuck in a deep sadness. Unexpected heartache has left me feeling like I have no ability to cope at times.  I started seeing a counselor who specializes in postpartum issues and traumatic birth experiences. That coupled with conversations with people who get it have helped.  Sometimes something triggers my grief, and I get lost in a wave of emotion for a few days that makes completely normal tasks exhausting.  Sometimes my emotions are like a bull in a china shop.

It all seems like a dream now.  Like I can't believe everything that happened.  Maybe that's a good thing.  I don't know.

I think a lot about the next time. I hope there is a next time.  I hope for another chance at natural birth and for a healing experience.  Currently I'm working on having peace now.  I have found a lot of healing in Birth Without Fear.  I love how all births are celebrated and women are supported in this online community. Having a handful of moms to talk with who had similar experiences has helped a lot too.

Just because healing hasn't come today doesn't mean it won't.  Today's hopelessness feels like a life sentence, but I know that's not true.  I know that all things work for good to those that love the Lord, but today I can't see it.  I'm reminded that God can do more in my waiting than I in my doing.  So I wait.

dear liam - sixteen weeks

Liam,

You will be 17 weeks tomorrow, so I am just barely getting this in. A lot has happened since I last wrote you 12 weeks ago.  I started back to work and Mrs. Kirstin has been keeping you.  You smile so big when you see her each morning, which makes my heart happy knowing you are well cared for when I can't be there.

I say to your Daddy all the time how I wish you could stay a baby forever, but we all know that can't happen.  You are sooo stinkin' cute and fun right now that I wish I could freeze time.  Truly though I can't wait to watch you grow and see more and more of the person the Lord has created you to be.

I witnessed you sleeping with your bum in the air the first time this morning.  I texted a picture to Dad.  You look like an angel when you sleep.  I rocked you this morning after giving you a bottle and with your face towards mine I could have sat there all day rocking and looking at you.  I was rocking you to sleep one night last week and signing when you looked up at me with the sweetest smile I may have ever seen.  My heart is so full of love for you it's crazy.

We moved your crib from your nursery downstairs up to our room.  You had been sleeping in your Pack N Play in our room, and we decided it was time to let you sleep in your own room.  That only lasted one night.  I didn't get good sleep with having you on the floor below us.  I was awake watching your monitor most of the night.  Your daddy moved the crib and rocking chair up to our room, and I feel much better about our sleeping arrangement now.  I bought an organic crib mattress, and I'm glad you're finally getting to use it.  I'm not sure why we didn't think of moving the crib sooner, but I'm glad we made the switch.  Speaking of sleep you've slept long stretches the last two nights which have been a welcomed change.

You started rolling over two weeks ago.  Kirstin sent me a video of you almost rolling from your back to your front.  She said you rolled from front to back that day on the bed.  I have only seen you roll from front to back once, and I actually got it on video!!  You roll from back to front all the time now.  When we lay you in your crib you immediately roll to your tummy.  You started this sometime last week.  Sometimes you roll over with one arm completely underneath you.  It looks pretty uncomfortable, so I adjust it hoping I don't wake you up.  Usually you keep snoozing away.

This whole rolling business though has made it difficult for me to get a shower in the morning during the week.  I usually put you on your activity mat right outside the bathroom where I can see you from the shower.  Now you roll over and get frustrated because you can't roll onto your back, so I have to hop out of the shower a couple of times to roll you back over.  I think it's time to get an exersaucer.

Sunday you started squealing.  I know I say this a lot, but it's so cute!  I love it.  I recorded a few minutes of you showing off your new trick and sent it out to aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

You've been bearing weight on your legs almost since you were born it seems.  You are really strong.  Your grip is something fierce, and you like to grab anything you can get your hands on including my hair!  You show interest in your toys, swat at things, and of course want to put everything in your mouth.  You have been drool city lately!

Your cheeks are so chubby.  I can not kiss them enough.  Everyone remarks on how cute and big you are.  You've gained weight so well.  You have to be at least 14 lbs.  We'll find out soon at your four month visit.  You will be 4 months this Saturday!  It's crazy!

We have traveled a lot in the short time you've been Earth side.  We've gone to Asheville three times and Raleigh once.  Our last trip to Asheville was April 5th and 6th.  The weather was beautiful.  It was a short and very busy trip, but my friend Heather came over to your great Nana's house and took some pictures of us.  Nana moved out of her house that weekend, and I wanted to have pictures of us there to always remember.  She has lived there since 1965, and I spent a great deal of my childhood there.  I know you won't remember it, but now we have pictures to show you and stories to tell when you're older.

Your Daddy and I love taking walks with you.  As soon as you were old enough we started using the jogging stroller.  You usually fall asleep.  Being able to walk everywhere is one of the reasons we moved to Davidson.  The weather lately has been gorgeous, so we all go for a walk nearly everyday walking between 2-4 miles.  We have worn you in a carrier for a few walks, but you don't always like it.  We bought a new carrier while we were in Asheville.  You seem to like to much better than any other ones we've tried.  Daddy carried you one time on his back during a walk, but you both got pretty sticky.

We love you so much and watching you grow and discover the world around you has been our greatest joy.

Love,

Mommy

dear liam - four weeks

My sweet boy,

Happy four weeks!  I have always heard other parents talk about how fast time flies after they have a baby, and I'm experiencing first hand how true it is.  You are growing so fast and are much more alert these days.  You make me laugh every day with your many facial expressions.  Daddy and I gave you a bath tonight after you decided to tinkle while he was changing your diaper.  You don't cry during bath time, but you had a very disgruntled look on your face like a little old man.  It's so stinkin' cute.

You sleep pretty good at night usually only waking up twice to eat.  You don't like to be worn in any of the carriers I have.  I hope you change your mind about that soon.  I love it when you fall asleep all curled up on my chest.  It's the sweetest thing.  Otherwise you don't like to be cuddled too much.  You have been holding your head up when on your tummy almost since you were born and we all marvel at how strong you are.  If you're not sleepy and I'm holding you, you like to hold your head up with your eyes wide and look around and make an "o" with your mouth.  It always makes me laugh.

I got out your activity mat Uncle Matthew and Aunt Jessie got for you yesterday.  You seem to like it a lot. Apparently Sully likes it too because I found him laying on it today.

Your smile is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.  Today you were smiling so big.  It completely melts me. I haven't been able to capture a picture of it yet, but I hope to soon. I can't wait to hear you laugh.

Getting to know each other over the past month has been so much fun. I love to study your little face and features. You have the biggest most beautiful eyes right now. We are pretty sure they will change to brown or green at some point. I've been clumsy at times trying to figure out this whole parenting thing.  Thank you for being patient with me as I learn how to best take care of you.

I feel like I'm struggling to properly document these days as they speed by. I wanted to write you a letter sooner, but it's hard to find time to sit down and write.  The lyrics of a Bethany Dillon song come to my mind often.  "Though I'm tired now you're worth every sleepless night. You're worth it all because I know you're the best song I'll ever write.  As we're humming and dancing through the years together you're the best song I'll ever write.  And I pray you'll see Jesus in it when you're older."

You are already outgrowing some of your outfits. I can't put the outfit you came home from the hospital on anymore.  I'm trying to study you as you grow so I can always remember what you were like right now. Your Daddy and I definitely need to make more use of the video camera we bought just before you made your appearance.

Your Daddy and I are so madly in love with you. Our hearts have been captured by you. It's been such an amazing adventure so far, and we've only just begun.

I love you my little one.

Mommy

we're expecting!

On April 19th I woke up and had a hunch that maybe I should take a pregnancy test.  We weren't trying, but we weren't preventing either.  However, after two years of this, I didn't really think I could pregnant.  No way. 

To my great shock and surprise two little lines appeared.  This couldn't be right though.  No way am I pregnant. We had just moved a week ago, so I scrounged around to find another test. Things were still in boxes and very unorganized.  It also showed two little lines.  What the what!!

Patrick had already left for work, so it was just me and the dog.  I stopped by Rite Aid on my way to work and bought a digital test that read either "pregnant" or "not pregnant".  Nothing to analyze or read into.  I chugged water like Juno and took the test in the restroom at work.  It read, "pregnant."

Can I just say this was the longest day in history?  Keeping this little secret all to myself until I could get home to tell Patrick in person made the minutes feel like hours.

I get home and had the video ready on my iPhone because I wanted to record his reaction.  I had the digital pregnancy test in my back pocket.  I've waited all day, I'm finally home, and the man is on the phone! I could not wait another minute to share this news.  You can hear me in the video whispering, "Get off the phone! Get off the phone!"

Videoing tipped him off because he whispers back, "Are you pregnant?!"  I just kept telling him to get.off.the.phone!  When he hung up I showed him the pregnancy test and we both just laughed and laughed.  We were shocked.  We were surprised.  We're having a baby?!

It was not apart of our plan because we had just moved into a new home exactly one week prior, but life is notorious for throwing curve balls into our "plans".

The first trimester was extremely difficult.  I was very sick and as a result suffered from some depression.  I was sick for about 8 weeks, and they were the longest 8 weeks of my life.  Nothing got touched during that time in our new home.  Boxes remained unpacked, papers needing filing piled up in our kitchen, the catch all room stayed full of random stuff....  We had no social life because I was simply not up to doing anything but going to bed when I got home from work.  I was rough.

I am so thankful that at 14 weeks I started feeling better.  It was like a fog lifted.  I could live a normal life again.  I was free from the cycle of work and then bed.  I hear sickness can return in the third trimester, so I am soaking up every minute of well being right now.

Also we found out that we're having a BOY!!!!  We are overjoyed and can not wait to meet him.  Here is a picture from our 3D ultrasound.

He was sucking his thumb!  Melt my heart already.

cream filled heaven

I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but I love to bake.  I mostly bake cupcakes, but I love to bake any kind of confection goodness.  I recently took a cupcake class at our local community college.  Here is what I came home with.  I ran out of time, so I didn't get to decorate all of them.  Fondant has always intimidated me, but this class gave me a little more confidence.

I recently found a recipe for cream filled cupcakes like a hostess cake that I wanted to try.  I found the recipe while searching for a cream filling because I love a cream filled doughnut, and I wanted to try to replicate it.  The first one I tried did not go so well.  However on Sunday I was able to find a couple of recipes that worked for me.

Making the chocolate buttercream

All done filling and ready for icing

Yummo

Cream filled goodness

I used box mix for the cupcakes (this recipe is time consuming, so I didn't feel like taking the time to make the cupcakes from scratch.  Maybe next time.), this filling, and this chocolate buttercream (her filling did not work for me the first time).   Happy Baking!

Love that Transcends Logic

*This is an old myspace post I decided to put on my "official blog."

As a child of Christ, we are loved by God. Yeah yeah, you know it, I know it. We know it. But do we? Are we radically changed and transformed by that idea daily? I'm not. Not in the least.

"It is a rare person who loses himself in the presence of other human beings...... Perhaps the most comforting characteristic of Christ is that He liked people. Were somebody to ask me to begin a religious system, I would sit down and write a book the way Muhammad and Joseph Smith both did. This would seem the most logical way to communicate new ideas. Writing in scrolls, however, was not something that interested Jesus. He never sat down and wrote a mission statement. Instead, He accumulated friends and allowed them to write about Him, testify about Him. Each of the Gospels reveals a Christ, who is with people, attended parties, drank with people, prayed with people, traveled with people, and worked with people. I can't imagine He would do this unless He actually likes people and cared about them. Jesus built our faith system entirely on relationships, forgoing, marketing efforts and spin. Not only that, but one of the criticisms of Christ was that He was a friend of pagans. Not that He hung out with pagans, but that He was their friend. I take great comfort in the possibility that Jesus would like me were we to meet face-to-face.......It must have been wonderful to spend time with Christ, with Somebody who liked you, loved you, believed in you, and offered a closeness foreign to sink-bound man. A person would feel significant in His presence. After all, those who knew Christ personally went on to accomplish amazing feats, proving unwavering devotion. It must have been thrilling to look into the eyes of God and have Him look back and communicate that human beings, down to the individual, are of immense worth and beauty and worthy of intimacy with each other and the Godhead. Such an understanding fueled a lifetime of joy and emotional health among the disciples that neither crowds of people jeering insults, nor prison, nor torture, nor exclusion could undo. They were faithful to the end, even to their own deaths....... I know in my heart they were not living the lives they lived or dying the deaths they died because they were doing something "right." -Searching for God Knows What/Donald Miller

Logic and fact have their place in this world, most certainly. But if you ask me, it's easier to cling to that which is in front of my face that which I can grasp and make sense of. I so often place the Lord in a box or turn Him into a checklist. Facts are easy. Relationships are messy. As a woman, I am supposed to be relational right? So this should be no sweat, but I fall so far short even in the places where I am supposed to be strong. In Francis Chans living with joy series, he talks about how he has to ask God daily to help him love others. He admits that he wakes up everyday thinking first of himself, his needs and desires. I have realized lately how poorly I love other people. I am so consumed with self, what Im struggling with, what I need, what I want. I want to be someone who loses themselves in the presence of others. I think that is so beautiful. I want to be so intricately connected to The Source of life that I am not only so full of life, but overflowing in such a way where I can just focus on giving and loving others. Content with second place and obscurity as Paul writes. I wonder how differently I would live my everyday life if I not only knew but believed that I am liked by God. How would I be able to relate and love others differently? I almost think its easier to understand we are loved than the idea that we are liked. I love my family, but I dont always like them. I use that same lens to perceive the way the Lord looks at me.

I look at these truths and first examine myself and then I look to the community. I feel that in some way it is forced community broken down to formula and logic. I accept my fair share of my part in it. I repent of it. As Mat has told me before, be the change. I will allow Christ to be the change in me. To breathe His relationship into a stiff and rigid heart like my own. Dont get me wrong, I am not bashing logic, but rather logic apart from relationship and so often take place of relationship. This is only my perception. Im not saying it is truth as far as our community goes. No doubt does relational, raw, authentic community exist because it absolutely does, but does anyone else besides me feel the pressure to break even that down to a formula? Does anyone else feel the pressure that says give space, dont create, dont expect, not too close, dont give too much, there will be nothing left of you, you will loose yourself, retreat, that person doesnt want to know you, dont share too much, you wont be/arent understood, you will be hurt, you will be let down, no one really cares? Maybe its just me, and if thats the case, than this is only a statement of how I feel.

"It is true that it is a powerful occurrence to have somebody look you in the eye and say you are worth something." Its also true that this is what Christ is communicating to every person all the time. If only I believed to the very marrow of my being I too could accomplish amazing feats with unwavering devotion.

Yay for Christmas Time!

Hello friends. Christmas is right around the corner. I hope everyone hasn't waited until the last minute like me to get all of your shopping and preparations done. I have a small problem with procrastination. I think I just like doing things under pressure. Anyway, I thought I would post some pictures. We finally finished (sorta) our dining room table and have a normal livable space now. Enjoy.

Our Christmas tree with the bow tree topper I made myself. I was actually pretty impressed considering I have never made a bow other than the kind you tie your shoes with in my life. Let's just say it looks good from far away :)

This is all of us marveling over dan's waterproof phone as he submerges it in our sink.


Friends, food, and fun.



The table we got for a steal off of Craigslist that took forever for us to refinish.

Le kitchen

And one more just for fun.

Random

So since I need a little humor in my life from being overworked, uncertain, and because I've started four blogs and just don't have the inspiration to finish any of them, I'm posting some of my favorite funny videos. Laughter is good for the soul, right?










This one gets funny at the very end.

Meanderings

Ya know, I usually literally start like three blogs and never finish them before I actually post one. I wish it came easier to me, but alas it does not. I am working on one called "Finding My Calcutta," which I would like to finish tonight while I have some free time, but I'm not just able to pour it out of my heart tonight. Does anyone ever get like that?

Things are settling in with my job pretty well. It's still not exactly what I want to be doing, but I'm still surrender and submitting what God wants me to do with my life to Him.

Patrick and I are still trying to figure out where to serve in our church and wrestling with where our community is. I have had a deep longing lately for rich, authentic, and organic community. I guess you could say I am in a dry spell. Patrick is learning and growing in the spirit like a weed lately, which is awesome and praise God! I guess things are coming to me more subtly. It's like nothing and everything changed when we got married. Community is one of those things. I still have my very dear friends, but I don't live with some of them anymore. I don't have long girl talks after Patrick goes home later. I have to work at it a lot harder, which is hard sometimes when you and your friends have busy lives. I am a drop in kind of friend. I like to be spontaneous, which made living with three girls for almost four years out of college so much fun. "Hey you wanna go...." at 11pm on a work/school night. I am in bed usually by 9 or 10 at the absolute latest now. I'm getting old!

I have felt a little lonely lately, and not lonely in the sense of the kind of loneliness I felt in some of my single days. A deep ache that is echoed in a lot of my older blogs. It's different. Last weekend I was volunteering at the race track with my church (we drive the golf carts and man the info booths every race) and I was just in a funk. I couldn't place my finger on it, but I just felt....detached. There are so many other things I am wrestling with currently that are weighing on me. Not in a this-burden-is-so-heavy-I-can-barely-take-another-step-forward. It's like a fog.

I go through seasons of this every so often. I get this feeling like I need to go somewhere else, not necessarily move or anything, but uproot myself from my current community and go to another one. Then the ping pong match starts in my head and I never go anywhere (I've been in the same place for six years this month actually!). Of course now, this is a whole other deal now that I'm married. It's no longer just my decision. I'm not saying I want to do this, but I can't seem to marry the idea of doing and being when I'm not growing. I want someone, other than my husband, to really know me (a female of course). Call me out. Ask me how I am doing in certain areas of my life. Challenge me. And every time I get to this place, I immediately mentally slap myself on the wrist for being selfish. Then I never go anywhere. Just spinning my wheels. I know that the Lord is/can/will be this for me, but then I also know I am called to live in community. So there is some kind of balance between the two. There is a need for both evangelism (I tend to be less gifted at) and discipleship (I tend to be more gifted at). Don't get me wrong, I have awesome friends. Community for me lately is a lot more forced and less organic. I take my own responsibility in this.

My question now is what does true discipleship look like? That's what I want to know, see, experience, and share. I realize that so much of my thinking is faulted. I am just trying to work through it all right now. These are just my honest and raw thoughts about where I am at at this current moment in time.

I want to be the change I'm longing for. I just don't know what that looks like. I'm not a big group gathering gal. I am a one-on-one person. However, I can't spend the rest of my life only hanging out with people on coffee dates. I get that. There is something that has overcome me lately in group gatherings. A tension in my heart that I am almost certain has to be from satan. Ugh. It's nothing new. The situations are different now, but the feeling is the same.

I want real community. More than getting together than just to complain or gossip. That's right I said it. So many people (including myself more than I like to admit) would have nothing to talk about if they weren't allowed to complain or gossip because both of these can take all sorts to forms and is a sneaky sneak tool of satan.

Lord, rid me of complaining and gossip. Convict me. Deconstruct the places in my heart that need your change and reconstruct me in Your ways. I can't do it on my own. You know how many times I have tried and still do try to do it alone. I'm sorry. Unleash the power of Your Spirit in me which can work mighty and powerful things into this weak and faltering heart. I am in desperate need of You.

Basically this blog makes no sense, but that is about how much sense I can make out of how I feel right now.

Transition, Transition, Transition......

I guess transition is just a part of life. Sigh. I'm a little tired of it. Some of it is fun and exciting, some of it is scary and unknown, and some of it is just down right frustrating and exhausting. I'm starting a new job tomorrow. I am on job number four only four years out of college. I think it will be good, but I am anxious to get trained and settled into a routine. My waistline doesn't do so well with out routine. Does anyone know what I mean? I have a love/hate relationship with routine. Within 7 months I got engaged, bought my first home, got married, and now I'm starting a new job. Whew! Things have been busy to say the least.

I have really struggled to find my place. So many things have changed or happened within the last year or so. It feels like the dust has finally settled and now I'm left trying to figure out where I go from here. My husband and I read the book Sex God by Rob Bell (I totally recommend this book for anyone single or married) before we got married. He talked about marriage having a mission. It pressed on me so much I incorporated it into my wedding vows to Patrick. I so badly want to know what God's mission is for our marriage. I so badly want to be challenged more deeply, to know Him more deeply. I just can't do this on my own. I've tried and it doesn't work. I just want more..... So for right now my heart is in a place where it simply feels out of place. Something is churning within me, which I am thankful for, but I'm not sure what the revelation is yet. It's still working itself out in me.

I had a really awesome conversation with my very dear friend on gmail chat a couple weeks ago. She is getting married in 16 days! So exciting! She was asking how marriage is going for us and I shared some of the challenges we've encountered. Marriage for me has been like a mirror. It has been refining. Married life is amazing especially since I'm married to a wonderful, sweet, and humble man. He teaches me so much. At the same time it is hard at moments. All these things you thought you agreed on and would be no sweat once married didn't exactly work out that way. So far we've worked through those kinks, but sometimes they catch you off guard when you thought you already had that figured out. One of the things I shared with her was how we have had to continue to learn how to communicate with each other when we have a "miscommunication" or you could also say a disagreement.

I can be fiercely stubborn. I have learned the hard way that it is so much easier to just be humble, open and responsive from the very beginning. It only takes two nights of no sleep and long heart heavy days at work because you went to bed mad because you refused to talk about it, to make one learn you don't ever ever ever want to go through that again. The former is harder than the latter but you have to eventually do the latter anyway because it's miserable to not be at peace with the person whom you not only share a roof but also a bed so why not just chose the harder but in the end easier route. Follow me? The first month, so far, has proved to be harder than the second. I would like to think that it's because we're learning and growing and getting better at the marriage thing. The other thing I shared with my friend was learning to not act a fool because now you don't have to worry about this person going anywhere. In dating, you still walk the line a little bit, even with an engagement ring on your finger, but I have had to learn how to react/respond in a more gentle manner when something upsets me or rubs me the wrong way.

I am learning so much about myself, which is good but also hard. I read somewhere about this book that says something to the affect of what if God created marriage to make us holy rather than happy. Wow. Yeah. Being married is refining me. Patrick and I are learning together. I married a wonderful man who puts up humbly and gently a lot sometimes from his slow to learn wife. For that, I am extremely grateful.

This post is somewhat random and all over the place, but these are things that have been going on without and within me lately. Until next time.....

God is moving. Insert Fear.

It's late. I'm tired. It's been forever again since I last wrote on here. I have been thinking some lately about writing a new blog. Today however, it has pressed more on my heart, so while I have the opportunity to stay up late because I don't have to work tomorrow (RARE!), I figured this would be my perfect opportunity.

God has been speaking to me a lot lately. Words can't almost express how good it feels for my soul to get a good drenching of the Holy Spirit. I have felt so dry for sometime now that I am definitely releasing a huge sigh of thankfulness for any insight, teaching, or even correction from the Lord. I don't even know where to start. I could be up half the night trying formulate sentences and paragraphs to go through the ins and outs of what has been going on lately, so I will try to keep it slightly brief.

I'm going to start here and go backwards. Less than an hour ago I was driving home for the second time because the first time I realized I was locked out, and I didn't want to wake my roommate to let me in because she actually has to be up for work in the morning. I decided instead to drive 5 minutes to where my other roommate was hanging out and borrow her house key. In exchange, I gave her my garage door opener and promised to unlock the door to the garage. Meaningless details really, however, in this short drive there and back, I think I have learned something that could unlock potent power of revelation to fight the evil forces of darkness that have hovered so long in a certain area of my life. I shall explain....

There is probably nothing more debilitating to my spiritual walk and journey than this one thing.

Yes, that's right you guessed it.

Fear.

It over shadows my courage, my faith. It can come like a thick black fog in an instant and make a complete coward of me. I have always been a fearful person. I don't like to stay at home by myself. I get completely freaked out. I've gotten somewhat better, but when my mind starts to get creative, I can be completely overcome. This isn't only contained to fears of an intruder in my house in the middle of the night or day for that matter. It extends beyond these kinds of things.

My fears come in seasons.

I noticed that ever since last night, certain thoughts and feelings had began to creep into my mind and heart. Worries of loosing someone I love. Sometimes this fear can be extremely powerful.

It's really more than that though.

Yesterday I was in a mood. A bad mood. There were thoughts and feelings lying beneath the surface that hadn't been dealt with or talked about, which came out as a roaring monster towards Patrick. This finally led to a not so fun discussion after I finally just told him how I felt about a particular thing. I am so stubborn. I always want Patrick to apologize first. He almost always does. His heart is so sweet and tender towards me. I'm humbled at how no matter how ridiculous I can get he always in the end comes towards me gently and humbly. He teaches me so much. And it is HARD. It has been like a mirror of the ugliness in my heart. Through how he acts and responds towards me has shown me so many things about myself. Things that aren't pretty. Things that need to be reshaped and softened out by the Lord. It has been hard but sooo good.

Among some other things that have happened where heart change and conviction have occurred, all of this leads me back to my drive home. My heart has been softened, made more sensitive, convicted of sin, and many many other things, so God is MOVING in me.

And then comes the fear.

I'm getting married in three weeks. I start thinking about all these crazy ridiculous things about what if this or what if that. Debilitating thoughts of fear. I have experienced this time and time and time again. I felt like drawing back, retreating, settling back down into the place I have found myself lately, which is not sensitive or aware of the Spirit in and around me. Back to complacency where the fear for the most part stays away. The win of it all on my drive home from getting the key from my other roommate was the REALIZATION of satan trying to attack what God was doing. Trying to get me from moving forward in what God was showing me.

I HAVE to trust the Lord despite all these fears that swirl and loom within me sometimes. I have to TRUST that He is sovereign and His heart towards me is GOOD, which is exactly what satan doesn't want me to believe. God does not want me to live a life of fear. Satan does. I have a long way to go, but at least after tonight, I am aware of what is happening and start to pray against them.

God is sooo good. May I ever be able to say it despite any circumstance I might find myself in. That scares me even just to type it because I fear calamity and tragedy in my life. Lord please help me to walk in faith in you trusting that no matter what everything will be OK.

It's been a while.....

It has been exactly a year since I last blogged. Long time! I have started 7 blogs since then but didn't have the inspiration to finish or publish them. 2007 has been an interesting year. A lot has changed. I actually have my own computer now, so there is no excuse for the lack of bloggage in my life. On a serious note, I suppose there is reason why I haven't blogged the past year. Usually God is tugging or writing something in my heart and that is what I blog about. I'm not saying God hasn't been working in me the last year because that is not at all the case, but the lessons/revelations have come slower lately. I have been/ am learning how to walk with the Lord in the different seasons of my life. I know that may sound silly or strange, but for me it has been a great challenge to learn how to stay near when my life isn't wrought with lingering ache, struggle, and brokenness. 2007 has been a year of healing, blessing, and change. I have still struggled, no doubt, but there hasn't been this looming fog of struggle and ache settled around me. It has been a year of surrender, LIKE WHOA! I have, with the help of the Lord of course, slowly untangled and let down walls and guards in my heart that have been painful but it has been good. The season I have been in lately is one that has been hard, but I have been able to see almost immediately the good of the difficulty. The past few years have been hard and the goodness that came from it all took a lot longer for me to see the fruit of it all. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but that is what this past season has been like for me. I'm pretty sure no one reads this thing, especially anymore, but I hope your 2007 has been one of purpose. I hope 2008 will be one of purpose, peace, and joy. Cheers!
*disclaimer: since this post, I published some posts that I had started but never finished, so technically it looks like I have blogged this past year. Ok that's all*

Living in the Question Mark

I'm pretty sure no one reads this thing, especially since I haven't blogged in seven months. Things have changed in my life in such a way that I don't feel as free to be as vulnerable as I usually am when I blog, but alas I'm going to give it a stab. I have a lot I want to say, at least my heart is saying a lot, but my words are few. I have realized that no matter what place I come to in my life, I will probably always have to live in the question mark. There were times when I thought, "If this would just change or that would change, things would be more settled. They would be different." So far what I have found from life is that simply isn't true. The only thing I can absolutely count on is Christ. It's scary and comforting all at the same time. In certain seasons of my life I was so aware of that truth and feared how new seasons might dull my awareness of my need for Jesus. It certainly has not been the case. I feel as though I am more aware, which is a victory no doubt.

An Uncanny Peace

I'm not really sure how to start this one. My previous post, lessons, described the season I have been in this fall/winter. This past Friday and Saturday were mangled from one frustrating event to another. As things would become stressful and overwhelming, through tears my spirit would sink into weighing sadness. Then one thing would work itself out making the rest seem not so bad, and I would say to myself, "See, why get so worked up? It's going to be OK." But then something else pops up that causes the whole system of outlook and emotion to roar in to chaos. I couldn't win for loosing. This probably makes no sense, but I don't wish to bore you with mundane details. All this to say, by the time I headed to Asheville Saturday afternoon, I was at peace. And surprisingly enough, I've been that way since.

Usually going home is something to be dreaded and avoided. However, I had a rather lovely trip home. When I got to Asheville, I was completely taken by it's serene beauty. A total calm washed over my spirit. I saw people I hadn't seen in probably years because the last two years I drove down Christmas day and came back that evening, which left only time for the absolute necessaries to be visited. This was my third trip home in the last two months. That is record for me! It was a blessing to be home, which all I can do is thank and praise God because my family, especially during holidays, can be a challenge. Challenge is a gentle word to use, but again, I'll spare you the details.

Redefining Beauty

Each morning I wake up and go through the same routine. Almost every single morning I stand in front of my large bathroom mirror critiquing and evaluating the way I look. I need to loose a few inches here, tone up some more there. Maybe another 20 lbs would do it. Yes, another 20 lbs and then we'll see how things shape up.

I have struggled with my body my whole life. I remember being in kindergarten looking at a picture of myself sitting on my knees playing and thinking to myself, "My thighs look fat." My little brother and his friends would constantly torture me with comments about my weight. I wasn't even really overweight, but it always hurt and I began to believe what they said was true. The last year of middle school and my freshman year of high school I had this jacket I wore every single day. It didn't matter how hot it was outside, that jacket did not come off of my body. My mom and other people would make comments about it, but I didn't care because it was my shelter. I could hide in that jacket. In college, I struggled intensely with insecurities about the way I looked and wrestled for about a year with purging. I finally felt the Lord saying, "Be done," as He started to heal the sickness of my own thoughts towards myself. Thanks to the healing power of Christ, I am no longer consumed or constantly uncomfortable in my own skin. I still struggle, but no way near the way I did when I was younger.

Anyway, after another morning of critiquing in front of my bathroom mirror, a thought occurred to me, "You need to redefine beauty. Not as the world defines beauty, but as I, the Creator, defines beauty." I processed the thought for a minute and realized how grossly off I am, even now. The world defines beauty as large breasts, perfectly proportioned faces, square jaws, long skinny legs, flat tummies, clear beautiful skin... none of which I possess. I think we need to take care of our bodies, eat properly, and exert ourselves in some way physically because simply having the ability to do so is a blessing. I have been transforming a lifetime of bad habits over the past seven months, but I still look at myself and say, "You have a long way to go..." Why?? I know I am not the only girl who has agonized and even cried over this issue, but why do we torture ourselves with so much self criticism?? We have wrongly defined "beauty." We have not accepted ourselves as our Creator accepts us, as He has fashioned us to be. Sometimes I just have to repent for the way I have criticized His work. The pressure and message of the world exists everywhere, but I believe that in order to break the bondage so many women have been shackled by for so long is to get on our knees and ask the Lord to give us His eye to see ourselves through. We have to capture self criticizing thoughts just like we would any other inappropriate thought.

"Be beautiful inside, in your hearts, with the lasting charm of a gentle and quiet spirit that is so precious to God." 1 Peter 3:4

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

Every girl wants to be beautiful, to be desired/desirable. Honestly, I think we all just want to be found attractive to someone. I do. We have to ask ourselves our reasons for wanting to be beautiful. Maybe it's for love, attention, affection, power, or what have you, but we must fight for true Godly beauty and flee from the perverted, twisted form satan has pitted against us. This past Sunday my pastor made the comment that Satan cannot create anything. He can only distort and twist what God has created. Lets go back to the places in our broken pasts that may have left scars or caused us to believe things about ourselves that are not true and invite the Lord in to speak truth and bring light. May we find balance in cultivating our inner beauty while also caring for our physical bodies, the Lords temple. We have to know that we are beautiful beyond comparison to our Savior and that is enough!

Lessons

Sometimes a look on the inside is not very pretty so be warned.

A lot has happened since I last blogged; internally and externally. A few blogs ago, I talked about how I loved the changing seasons and how it always causes an anticipation to rise up in my heart, a hope for new things. However that hope has fallen with the leaves. I have wrestled with feelings of depression. It comes in waves that weigh so heavily on my spirit. Luckily it doesn't last long, but when it comes, it clings fiercly. I have entertained resentful and even bitter thoughts. I have wondered and questioned, "Where are you Lord?" It's a vicious cycle. I feel shame and guilt because I know such thoughts have no warrant and the Lord is not at fault for my restless and hopeless spirit. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be needy. I want to be strong in Christ, completely trusting Him regardless of how I feel or how I'm struggling. I cry out to Him saying, "How long Lord?" I have felt utterly discontent in places where I had previously found peace and contentment, which only added to the resentment and bitterness and then the guilt and shame. You get the picture. The tears have flowed freely for the past few weeks. I have felt out of place and found myself wishing to put distance between myself and certain people or situations.

I have wanted to give up all the steps I've taken, all the growth. As Francis Chan would put it, I wanted to take my puzzle and all the pieces that had been put into place and rip them apart. I was in a similar place last year, and I did just that. Out of brokenness that tarried for a season that seemed would never end, I decided it would make no matter if I threw away or destroyed what little seemed to be left. I was already broken. If I was going to be broken, I would rather it be from my own poor decisions than from obedience that got me no where. This was my flawed thinking at the time. I ignored the still small voice which now that I think back was screaming at me, pleading with me not to go into the darkness. I only flirted with it at first, rationalizing and justifying I was strong enough to stand steadfast. At first I was naive and then rebellious. It didn't seem to matter until after the damage was done and I was standing in the rubble of it all realizing it wasn't just my heart that was broken but my Lords. I had not only hurt myself but Him. Oh how deception can take one so quickly. The little lies I'm convinced are deadlier than the deadliest poison. I remember very specifically the lie while gathered with a group of friends one night, "You don't belong here. You are alone." Believing and feeling it was true, I trotted off to my own self destruction. This was almost a year ago. The trek back up from fallen ground was a painful one. The Lord forgave me instantly upon asking but forgiving myself took a lot longer.

All this to say, my recent feelings and struggles have positioned me to be vulnerable to such lies. I'm tired and weary. Tired of endlessly struggling with feelings that I have little control over and situations that drone on into meaninglessness. Life has fallen into a groove of monotony with little to look forward to. As these things churn themselves within me, I feel guilty and selfish. I have much to be grateful for, why can't I just be content with all that I have been given? What is wrong with me? These were the questions that plagued me and continued the spiral down. I have found myself talking with God less and less because I feel so unworthy to approach Him in such a state. I had prayed and surrendered and sought the Lord until slowly disease ridden thoughts and feelings started to grow and overtake my heart and mind like kudzu choking my clarity. However I do take comfort in Romans 8:26.

Then one morning this past week, His mercies renewed, it dawned on me, "My grace is enough for you." Meaning, it's O.K. I was humbled. My soul and spirit released a giant sigh. A sigh of refreshed peace and mercy, and the beautiful thing about it is I did absolutely nothing to warrant such a blessing but that's what grace is. If you look up the Greek word for grace it means unmerrited favor. I love that. I don't have to feel guilt or shame for where I am or how I'm struggling. The Lord is more than aware. He is my strength in my weaknesses. I realized that through my efforts in asking God to put me in the center of His will no matter what it took or surrendering certain things until I was blue in the face, I wasn't sitting still knowing He is God in those things, I was trying to bargain with Him. I was trying to control so when nothing "seemed" to come about from all my "trying" I end up frustrated and jaded. In the study of the fruit of the spirit I'm doing, Beth Moore talks about Christ feeding the 5,000 and how He instructed the disciples to make sure to only serve those who were seated. Moral of the story: Jesus took what little they had, made them rest in His provision, and there was plenty left over. I found that insight to be so profound because I never rest in God's provision. What I do instead is put myself through spiritual boot camp, which leaves little room for God's tender hand or gentle whisper. How I've missed the point all together. Praise God for grace.

Derek Webb says in one of his songs with Caedmon's, "the only thing I need is a void that you can fill and I jump ship and run even farther in your will/ and I'm looking for the well that won't run dry/ the rest that weary thoughts can not deny/ when you wrap Your arms around me I can walk away or face the emptiest day." I love this verse in this song because it totally speaks to the place I often find myself. The only thing I need is an ache, a void that God can fill.

Despite my enlightenment of these truths, I have still struggled intensely in the days following. The same hopeless and apathetic spirit overcomes me without warning. It has become a daily battle. I believe there are spiritual weights and implications to this season, and I have to continue to cling to the Lord despite how I feel. There is a lesson to be learned in this season, and I pray that I would be able to keep my eyes fixed on the mountain mover and not the moutain, rest in His provision, and cry out for my desire to be for Him and Him alone.

Our Condition Embraced

For once I'm going to let scripture convey my heart. The struggle, the victory, the hope, and the love. I was going to cut out the highlights of what is being communicated in these passages, but I couldn't, so this will just have to be a really long post.

Romans 7

The Problem

14-16 I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

Romans 8

The Solution Is Life on God's Terms

1-2 With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

3-4 God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn't deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.

The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us.

5-8 Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn't pleased at being ignored.

9-11 But if God himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won't know what we're talking about. But for you who welcome him, in whom he dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God's terms. It stands to reason, doesn't it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he'll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus, bringing you alive to himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life. With his Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ's!

12-14 So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!

15-17 This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him

18-21That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the pesent hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

22-25 All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The
difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

29-30 God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

31-39 So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one. None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.