Someone sent me this article which I found tremendously helpful.
"Birth is a life-defining experience that sticks with you. Ask most moms about their birth stories, and you can see and hear the emotions rush back as they share. These are stories—good or bad—that we vividly relive over and over, whether we want to or not. And let’s not forget that our experiences can have major, lasting, and permanent health consequences. Our birth stories affect the postpartum period (baby blues, anyone?), our relationships with our babies and families, and our attitudes about ourselves and future births."A-freaking-men.
I've gone through so many what ifs. I don't waste much energy on the things I couldn't control or change. However I think a lot about and regret deeply that I did not hire a doula. I had one on standby in case I didn't manage well, but I actually coped really well with laboring. I did labor naturally for 40 hours after all. I feel confident if I had found the focus I had toward the end of my time at the birth center sooner things could have been different. Patrick was a great support, but I didn't like him giving me suggestions. He had no idea what I was experiencing. Another woman who had been through birth before to cheer me on I believe could have changed the whole outcome.
I struggled with fear. I told my midwife I was afraid of pushing the baby out. She said I needed to let it go. I knew that, but I didn't know how. I also held back a lot during the day while I was laboring because there was construction going on right outside the birth room I was in. My midwife asked me if the noise bothered me, and I said no. However knowing there were construction men who could hear me vocalizing through each contraction (I knew they could hear me because I could hear them) made me hold back. I wasn't comfortable letting go because I didn't have privacy. I wasn't in a mind frame to communicate what I needed either. I was focused on getting through each contraction as quietly as possible. Not what a laboring woman needs to do. She needs space to roar!
When we got home from the hospital I would take a shower and just want to cry. Cry until there were no more tears, but I couldn't because it was too painful physically. I had all this sadness and emotion that needed to come out. I couldn't even laugh. Taking a shower, getting dressed, walking the stairs in our house, picking up the baby....everything was an ordeal because I was healing from major surgery. I couldn't believe that out of all the people I knew who had had c-sections they never talked about how hard this was! I kept thinking, "Who the hell chooses this?" Then breastfeeding fell apart. Then I found out my placenta was infected and couldn't be encapsulated. I couldn't even hold the tears back from that phone call before hanging up. Greif, upon greif, upon grief.
There were things, sometimes really small things, that would send me fast into a downward spiral. Like seeing all the birth announcements from my birth center pop up in my newsfeed on Facebook. I read announcements for baby after baby born beautifully and naturally while pregnant and had looked forward to my own. Except there was none. After Liam's birth I would see one while scrolling through Facebook on my phone and was suddenly thrust into the most unbearable sadness. No welcome to the family for us. It felt like those births were beautiful and worth celebrating and mine wasn't. I felt like an outsider, a birth center reject, but ultimately like a failure.
We were supposed to have free birth photography, but 30 minutes after she arrived we left for the hospital. Almost two months later my midwife contacted me asking for the photographer's information. At first I was excited to hear from her and quickly sent over the information. Then the deepest sadness hit me. Someone else was going to get their beautiful natural birth photographed for free because I didn't. I was at work doing payroll when I got the request. I went into a trance of sadness and somehow managed to delete all of January's payroll (I was currently working on February's). What normally takes me about 20 minutes to complete took three hours. It took me several days to shake the sadness.
As things have unfolded and tangled webs have spun I have found myself at times stuck in a deep sadness. Unexpected heartache has left me feeling like I have no ability to cope at times. I started seeing a counselor who specializes in postpartum issues and traumatic birth experiences. That coupled with conversations with people who get it have helped. Sometimes something triggers my grief, and I get lost in a wave of emotion for a few days that makes completely normal tasks exhausting. Sometimes my emotions are like a bull in a china shop.
It all seems like a dream now. Like I can't believe everything that happened. Maybe that's a good thing. I don't know.
I think a lot about the next time. I hope there is a next time. I hope for another chance at natural birth and for a healing experience. Currently I'm working on having peace now. I have found a lot of healing in Birth Without Fear. I love how all births are celebrated and women are supported in this online community. Having a handful of moms to talk with who had similar experiences has helped a lot too.
Just because healing hasn't come today doesn't mean it won't. Today's hopelessness feels like a life sentence, but I know that's not true. I know that all things work for good to those that love the Lord, but today I can't see it. I'm reminded that God can do more in my waiting than I in my doing. So I wait.
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