a sacred & hard season

I have had a heightened sense since my son was born just how sacred and fleeting these days are. Some days more than others, but I feel the season of being a mommy to a baby Liam slipping away like sand in an hour glass.  I'm afraid I'm missing it.

I'm not going to sugar coat it.  It's not what I do.  But this season of our life has been hard.  Really hard. The transition into parenthood is hard enough, but we did it all while having a lot of things implode around us.  My beautiful birth center birth turned into a hospital c-section nightmare.  My lovely birth center turned into a place I don't like. Breastfeeding was one of the most challenging things I have ever fought for and a loss I grieve deeply.  For a few beautiful weeks I was able to give him what little milk I had before he started refusing to latch.  At the time I didn't know it would only last for such a short time.

I told Patrick a few weeks ago this season of life has felt like we're stranded on a deserted island surrounded by infested waters.  We're alone and constantly fighting creatures that come up on shore threatening to attack us.  We keep sending God an S.O.S.  He continues to deliver provision to the island, but I want God to send a helicopter to rescue us.

I wish I could say I was passing this test with flying colors.  I'm not.  I'm failing miserably, which discourages me even more because I wonder if my own inability is going to make this season last for a really looooong time.  I know God's grace is bigger though.

Motherhood is lonely.  Everyday feels like I'm just trying to survive.  Get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, play a little, and then pray that Liam will go to sleep at a decent hour so that I can have just a little bit of free time before I go to bed and do it all over again.  I feel guilty for saying that or having those feelings. Liam is delightful.  Legit he is such an easy baby.  People comment all the time about how happy he is. The Lord is teaching me so much about JOY through this little soul.

There is hope on the horizon, but my fear tells me not to let it get out of hand lest I end up disappointed.  I know we'll come through this and look back wondering why we didn't just trust the Lord with reckless abandon all along.  There will be more difficult seasons to wade through once this one is over.  It's all an ebb and flow.  Hopefully if I learn anything about this season it will be that our little family is resilient.  That I'm resilient.  I know with the Lord I can be if I choose to keep my eyes on Him instead of the mountain that needs moving.