breastfeeding: a labor of love

Like my birth experience where I assumed a natural birth outside of a hospital would be no question (birth story to come eventually) I assumed I would be able to breastfeed no problem. Well at least after the learning curve.

As I will detail in my birth story, I did not get to hold or meet my baby for four hours after he was born.  I don't remember the first time I breastfed him, but I know I did shortly after he was put in my arms thanks to the video my sweet husband had the forethought to take because he asked me if I wanted the Boppy.  The video stops there unfortunately.

I remember Liam latching like a little champ and being so thankful considering all we had been through.  I remember nursing him until he was milk drunk and it being the best feeling in the world. Lactation consultants flittered in and out of our room during our three days in the hospital, and all affirmed we were doing great.  I complained a few times to the nurses that my nipples were really sore. They all said it was initial soreness from nursing for the first time.  By the time we left the hospital my nipples were bruised, cracked, scabbed and hurting so badly.

On our way home from the hospital I asked my husband to stop by The Baby Grocery Store to buy some Earth Mama Angel Baby Natural Nipple Butter and Booby Tubes because my girls were screaming.  The first night home was awful.  I was in so much pain that I dreaded nursing.  Liam screamed because he was hungry.  My milk hadn't come in and I was practically starving him. Patrick and I were up nearly all night with a screaming baby and feeling completely helpless. I refused to give him formula.  I was determined to make breastfeeding work.  We were going to do this!

The next morning we went to our pediatrician where we learned within one day he went from a 6% to 11% weight loss.  When I told them formula wasn't an option they wanted me to see a lactation consultant that day.  I decided to wait to see my midwife the next day.  That night was equally as awful.  Liam screamed for hours and couldn't be consoled.  When I couldn't take the screaming for a minute longer, I would nurse until I couldn't take the pain any longer.  At 2:30 am I told Patrick to get the formula.  He responded, "Isn't that giving in?"  I said, "It doesn't matter!  This is child abuse!"  We gave him 1 oz of formula in hopes it would help him sleep.

I felt relief when daylight came because that meant we were going to see our midwife, and I had hope we could get some answers.  She noticed his upper lip frenum was thick.  I nursed, and we weighed him before and after.  He gained half an ounce, and my midwife was pleased with that.  She noted the cocktail of drugs during labor could be the reason my milk hadn't come in yet.

After another terrible night, we had a lactation consultant come to our house.  This time he only gained 5 ml after nursing.  She said we had to start supplementing right away.  I was heart broken. She gave us a supplemental nursing system, which I hated.  It took Patrick and I both to get Liam latched with the little tube in his mouth.  I began wondering how I would feed Liam after Patrick went back to work.  She looked at his mouth and didn't think we needed to do anything about his lip tie.  I was to use the SNS system and pump for 15 minutes after every feeding.

This schedule was sending me straight to crazy town.  I was an emotional wreck and exhausted.  I was healing from major surgery, hurting emotionally from the loss of my natural birth, and now trying to wrap my head around not being able to exclusively nurse my baby as I had planned. I began pumping and finger feeding him with the SNS to allow my damaged nipples time to heal.  I didn't pump as often as I really should have, and I felt so much guilt about it.

I started reaching out to my co workers wife who is very involved with Le Leche League.  I also got connected with a Breastfeeding USA volunteer.  These amazing and supportive women helped me keep going.  They encouraged me in all the hard work I was doing and worked with me to try to figure out what was going on.  We started seeing a pediatric chiropractor but still no change in the agonizing pain I was experiencing.

At two weeks I took Liam back to the pediatrician because I thought he might have reflux.  I described some of the things he was doing when eating, and she wanted me to see an Occupational Therapist.  We went that afternoon.  She agreed with our midwife that his maxillary labial frenum was thick and needed to be corrected.  She was amazing and so helpful!  Now came the tricky part of finding someone we felt comfortable with to correct it.

There was a pediatric dentist who would do it, but they didn't have a lot of experience with it.  I called the ENT I was referred to and when I asked them questions about how they do the procedure the lady kept saying, "I can't give you medical advice."  I'm not asking for medical advice!  I just want to know HOW you do the procedure before I make an appointment and waste time and money. NEXT!

Then there was the pediatrician who I was told corrected lip ties.  I called to make an appointment and was told they only see established patients. My co worker's wife suggested I get established even if I didn't plan to continue going there.  I felt kinda shady about doing that, but I was desperate.  We made the long drive on a cold rainy day.  It's a huge practice, and there were a bagillion people in the waiting area.  I'm not a fan of large medical practices. When we see the doctor, he makes a comment about how it sounds like our reason for coming is to correct the lip tie. I guess he was onto us.

He checked Liam's lip and said he wouldn't do anything about it. He has their lactation consultant come in and see us. She looks at my breasts, throws out some medical terms, and leaves the room. Mind you this is the lactation consultant who I have been told by several LLL people is the best of the best in Charlotte. The doctor comes back and basically goes on to say formula isn't that bad and breastfeeding wasn't going to work out for us in so many words.

I was heartbroken.  So heartbroken.  Despite what this doctor said I decided I was not going to give up on breastfeeding.  Patrick and I were talking about going to NY where there is a pediatric dentist who is the expert at correcting lip and tongue ties. It was going to be a gruelling and expensive trip, but I was willing to do anything to salvage any kind of breastfeeding relationship I could.

Two different LLL mamas suggested calling a dentist practically in my backyard about correcting the lip tie. This dentist is only in Cornelius two days a week so it took a few days of phone tag to actually talk with someone, but they were willing to see Liam.  I went on a Tuesday, and he said he could do it the next day. He uses a laser and only did topical anesthesia.  This was a big deal because most people will either use general anesthesia or local anesthesia, so the fact that he only used a topical was great.  He's not even open on Wednesdays but understanding the urgency of our situation he asked if we could come in the next day.

I met him there the next morning, and it was just the dentist, Liam, and I.  He had told me to give him some Tylenol and Motrin an hour before. Liam cried during the procedure, but I think it was more from having someone hold his upper lip than anything.  The area looked gross afterward, but otherwise he seemed fine the rest of the day.  He was exhausted after the procedure, so we went home and snuggled.

I was warned by the Breastfeeding USA volunteer that things might not change right away.  I'm glad she did because she was right, and I knew not to get discouraged.  I kept pumping, despite the ridiculously low amount I was getting, and kept trying to nurse.  In one of her emails she said,
"I'm impressed that you are still pumping, that you've moved forward with getting Liam's issues diagnosed and treated, that you're still in the game! You must have a will of titanium, girlfriend! "
The tears came as I read this.  Her encouragement meant so much to me.  She came to my house shortly after his frenectomy and spent a couple of hours observing Liam's latch and making some suggestions on how to more comfortably breastfeed.  I'm forever grateful to the support I received from her and the LLL women.  I'm also grateful to my uber supportive husband.

Around week 9 or 10 nursing got so much better.  There was no longer searing, f bomb dropping kind of pain.  In 40 hours of natural labor I never once dropped an f bomb. However, they flew freely when Liam would latch. The pain was SEARING.

I would nurse him every morning and evening before giving him a bottle.  It's was wonderful being able to nurse him to sleep.  It was not his main source of nutrition, but I could comfort and connect with him.

Then...oh then...he started getting frustrated at the breast and not wanting to nurse.  If I tried to offer him my breast when he was hungry it would make him cry louder, which broke my heart.  He realized there wasn't much milk in there. I tried not to get discouraged but simply just kept pumping and trying to offer the breast later.  Anytime he chose to latch I was simply grateful.

I went back to work and was able to continue breast feeding until he absolutely refused to latch. He would get mad and cry. I felt like he was rejecting me. I had worked so hard.

Looking back I am still sad but grateful to the short time I was able to breastfeed comfortably. It was a great joy to nurse him to sleep and give him what I had. I continued to pump and stopped at 6 months. I didn't intentionally stop pumping. I started struggling with serious exhaustion that lasted for a couple of weeks, and I was pumping less often. This all but extinguished my supply. I had intended to pump for at least a year despite the tiny amounts of output.

I still have the last bit of pumped milk in the fridge even though it is unusable and needs to be thrown away. At the time I didn't know it would be the last of the milk I would produce for now. I haven't been able to bring myself to throw it out yet. I finally packed the pump away. There was both relief, guilt, and deep sadness in closing a really big door on this chapter of motherhood.