Lessons

Sometimes a look on the inside is not very pretty so be warned.

A lot has happened since I last blogged; internally and externally. A few blogs ago, I talked about how I loved the changing seasons and how it always causes an anticipation to rise up in my heart, a hope for new things. However that hope has fallen with the leaves. I have wrestled with feelings of depression. It comes in waves that weigh so heavily on my spirit. Luckily it doesn't last long, but when it comes, it clings fiercly. I have entertained resentful and even bitter thoughts. I have wondered and questioned, "Where are you Lord?" It's a vicious cycle. I feel shame and guilt because I know such thoughts have no warrant and the Lord is not at fault for my restless and hopeless spirit. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be needy. I want to be strong in Christ, completely trusting Him regardless of how I feel or how I'm struggling. I cry out to Him saying, "How long Lord?" I have felt utterly discontent in places where I had previously found peace and contentment, which only added to the resentment and bitterness and then the guilt and shame. You get the picture. The tears have flowed freely for the past few weeks. I have felt out of place and found myself wishing to put distance between myself and certain people or situations.

I have wanted to give up all the steps I've taken, all the growth. As Francis Chan would put it, I wanted to take my puzzle and all the pieces that had been put into place and rip them apart. I was in a similar place last year, and I did just that. Out of brokenness that tarried for a season that seemed would never end, I decided it would make no matter if I threw away or destroyed what little seemed to be left. I was already broken. If I was going to be broken, I would rather it be from my own poor decisions than from obedience that got me no where. This was my flawed thinking at the time. I ignored the still small voice which now that I think back was screaming at me, pleading with me not to go into the darkness. I only flirted with it at first, rationalizing and justifying I was strong enough to stand steadfast. At first I was naive and then rebellious. It didn't seem to matter until after the damage was done and I was standing in the rubble of it all realizing it wasn't just my heart that was broken but my Lords. I had not only hurt myself but Him. Oh how deception can take one so quickly. The little lies I'm convinced are deadlier than the deadliest poison. I remember very specifically the lie while gathered with a group of friends one night, "You don't belong here. You are alone." Believing and feeling it was true, I trotted off to my own self destruction. This was almost a year ago. The trek back up from fallen ground was a painful one. The Lord forgave me instantly upon asking but forgiving myself took a lot longer.

All this to say, my recent feelings and struggles have positioned me to be vulnerable to such lies. I'm tired and weary. Tired of endlessly struggling with feelings that I have little control over and situations that drone on into meaninglessness. Life has fallen into a groove of monotony with little to look forward to. As these things churn themselves within me, I feel guilty and selfish. I have much to be grateful for, why can't I just be content with all that I have been given? What is wrong with me? These were the questions that plagued me and continued the spiral down. I have found myself talking with God less and less because I feel so unworthy to approach Him in such a state. I had prayed and surrendered and sought the Lord until slowly disease ridden thoughts and feelings started to grow and overtake my heart and mind like kudzu choking my clarity. However I do take comfort in Romans 8:26.

Then one morning this past week, His mercies renewed, it dawned on me, "My grace is enough for you." Meaning, it's O.K. I was humbled. My soul and spirit released a giant sigh. A sigh of refreshed peace and mercy, and the beautiful thing about it is I did absolutely nothing to warrant such a blessing but that's what grace is. If you look up the Greek word for grace it means unmerrited favor. I love that. I don't have to feel guilt or shame for where I am or how I'm struggling. The Lord is more than aware. He is my strength in my weaknesses. I realized that through my efforts in asking God to put me in the center of His will no matter what it took or surrendering certain things until I was blue in the face, I wasn't sitting still knowing He is God in those things, I was trying to bargain with Him. I was trying to control so when nothing "seemed" to come about from all my "trying" I end up frustrated and jaded. In the study of the fruit of the spirit I'm doing, Beth Moore talks about Christ feeding the 5,000 and how He instructed the disciples to make sure to only serve those who were seated. Moral of the story: Jesus took what little they had, made them rest in His provision, and there was plenty left over. I found that insight to be so profound because I never rest in God's provision. What I do instead is put myself through spiritual boot camp, which leaves little room for God's tender hand or gentle whisper. How I've missed the point all together. Praise God for grace.

Derek Webb says in one of his songs with Caedmon's, "the only thing I need is a void that you can fill and I jump ship and run even farther in your will/ and I'm looking for the well that won't run dry/ the rest that weary thoughts can not deny/ when you wrap Your arms around me I can walk away or face the emptiest day." I love this verse in this song because it totally speaks to the place I often find myself. The only thing I need is an ache, a void that God can fill.

Despite my enlightenment of these truths, I have still struggled intensely in the days following. The same hopeless and apathetic spirit overcomes me without warning. It has become a daily battle. I believe there are spiritual weights and implications to this season, and I have to continue to cling to the Lord despite how I feel. There is a lesson to be learned in this season, and I pray that I would be able to keep my eyes fixed on the mountain mover and not the moutain, rest in His provision, and cry out for my desire to be for Him and Him alone.