Tired

I know it will get better but today is hard.

I know something better will come but today I grieve what wasn't.

I know one day I will miss the beauty that comes with the chaos but today I'm counting down to new milestones.

I know one day I will get sleep but today I am tired.

every child

These boys. They color my world.

Liam is 20 months and we marvel at the new things he does and says. His vocabulary is quite extensive, and he repeats new words everyday. We have to be careful what we say now around our little parrot.

Oliver is 11 weeks and smiling so much. He just beams and coos when you talk to him.  It makes my heart melt.

Right after Oliver was born I asked Patrick what he thought. "He's perfect," he replied. Several months ago while driving in the car (before Oliver was born) Patrick said, "If I had known our kid would be like Liam, I would have had him 5 years ago." His love for his boys makes me swoon.

It's not just us who think our boys are the bees knees. Our entire family is nuts over them too. It makes my heart swell at how much they are loved.

But...

My heart breaks to know there are millions of children who aren't loved and cared for. I often stop and think about what if my boys had been born into a bad situation and not cherished for the precious souls they are. I can not bear it to think it.

"If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one." Mother Teresa

I remember so clearly when adoption was put on my heart. I was out to lunch with a friend who brought one of her friends along. Somehow in conversation it came up that her parents had adopted several kids from Liberia. During that lunch I had an aha moment. "This! This is part of my calling," I thought.

It's been eight years since the burden was first placed on my heart. Today life is a lot more complicated than in my early 20s. Two mortgages, two kids under two, and two full time working parents, the dream feels farther away than ever.

Every child should be in a family.  Every child should be cherished, loved, guided, and provided for.  Lord willing our family will be that for at least one.

I don't know how the pieces will fit together.  I don't know where the provision will come from.

But...

Today I'm dreaming dreams.

in the weeds

I wrote this back in September, and I just want to reach back in time and give myself a hug. Things just a few short months later are so much easier. I know I will need this reminder again when the next baby arrives later this summer, so to any other moms in the thick of it, this is for you. Wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze. Accept this as a big fat virtual hug from me to you. 

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Do you ever have a lot to say but you don't know where to start? It's 9:30 pm and Liam finally went to sleep about an hour ago. I am so tired and really should be asleep, but I wasted an hour browsing the internet (namely Facebook...grr) and need to brain dump.

Life lately has felt numbingly exhausting. Are there any other 9-5 moms out there? How do you do it? Do you cook? Clean? Have hobbies? Exercise? Any of the things? I think about past seasons of life a lot. I don't live in the past, at least I don't think I do, but I am keenly aware of where I've been and how I got where I am today.

I feel like the rat race is eating me alive. Scratch that. Life in general is eating me alive. I feel like I need a life coach to come spend a day or a couple of days with me and tell me what I'm doing wrong and how I can fix it. Let me give you a little sample of my day.

Liam is my alarm clock. He wakes up between 7-8 am, and I swear it's always when I'm in a deep stage of sleep. His crib is in our room, so I roll over to see his smiley face giggling and light up when I roll over and acknowledge him. It's pretty cute actually. You can see for yourself here.

My mornings are followed by nights where my son wakes up between 3-6 times at night. Yes you read that right. TRHEE TO SIX TIMES. During the summer Patrick did almost all the night feedings, which were not as many as they are now, but now that he's back in school we share night duty.  I usually do the first 2-3 and he'll do the remaining. Regardless we don't get a whole lot of sleep, so I am a walking zombie. Little man was a dream sleeper from 6-12 weeks. I thought I hit the baby sleep jackpot because it was glorious. Right when I went back to work he decided sleep was for the birds, and it's been that way ever since. I digress.

I usually spend a little bit of time just loving on and playing with Liam first thing and then I change his clothes and diaper. I take him in the bathroom. He likes to stand at the toilet and bang on the seat, so that gives me enough time to brush my teeth. Then I put him in his johnny jump up which attaches to the doorway of our bathroom so I can see him while I get a shower. He doesn't love being in the JJU since he's extra mobile now. I usually have to shower pretty quickly because he gets upset after a few minutes. Sometimes I resort to singing songs and being generally ridiculous to buy me a little extra time to shave my legs. Shaving my legs everyday is a luxury I'm not willing to give up.

If he's not in hysterics by the time I get out of the shower I'll try to finish getting ready which consists of moisturizing, deodorant, hair product applying, drying my hair, and getting dressed. I don't even wear make up anymore.  Lately I've been able to get my hair dried while he pulls up on the side of the tub and bangs around. However usually he's crawling off to go explore. Our room is not exactly baby proof, so there are a LOT of things not kosher for baby. I spend my mornings chasing him all over the place and doing things I never thought I would like saying, "No, no, no!" 100 times.

Our nanny gets here around 8:45ish. We chat about how he was the previous day (Patrick gets home first) and/or other things. I try to leave the house around 9 am.

I get out the door to go to work by the skin of my teeth most mornings, exhausted, and with my sanity hanging by a thread. Then of course I work until 5ish. I get home around 5:30-6. By now I am flat out, totally, and completely exhausted. There is limited time when I get home because Liam really should start going down for bed around 6:30. Sometimes we start bedtime stuff around 7, but either way it's not much time.

Sometimes we run out on an errand as a family. Sometimes we go for a walk. Sometimes we just play in Liam's room. Then it's time for bath (some nights), pj's, bottle, and bed. Start to finish this can take anywhere from 1 to 2 hours. Tonight Liam fell asleep at 8:30 and Patrick soon followed suit because he's up at 5 am for work. I barely talked to my husband today, and a lot of days go like this. It's now a few minutes past 10 pm, and I need toothpicks to keep my eyes open. I'll go to bed (soon hopefully) and start it all over again in a couple hours when Liam wakes up wanting to eat.

I know this won't last forever. I know this. What I struggle with is being spread so thin and so exhausted all the time when I have this most precious little boy who is changing so much and growing so fast. I want to slow down. I want more margin. So 9-5 working moms. How do you do it?

the thing with babies

Can I have this tiny baby back for just one more day? He seems giant now. Nine months and counting the fun has just begun!

If I could have newborn Liam again for one more day I know with certainty what I wouldn't be doing or worrying about.... I wouldn't care if I stayed in my pajamas all day, if I showered or even brushed my hair. I wouldn't care if the laundry was touched or if the sink was full of dishes. I wouldn't care about emails, Facebook or what was going on with social media and the world in general.

I'd only have eyes and attention for this baby who will only be a tiny little baby for a tiny little while. I'd study his every feature, movement, and sound. I'd allow my fingers to trace his tiny hands, fingers, toes, and nose just one more time. I'd breath in the newness and be still. This is easy to imagine in hindsight without the fog of sleeplessness, postpartum depression, or healing from a c-section.

The thing with babies is as soon as you think you've got everything figured out, they change. As soon as you've memorized them just the way they are, they grow. Those mental notes that don't get inked in some fashion can get forgotten because the next day brings all new experiences and memories.

In the daily grind I fight to find time, to MAKE time, to document this little life, but try I must. Some days there is simply no energy left at the end of the day to pick up a journal or open the computer and write. When I think the weight of motherhood will surely be the end of me, I tell myself this too shall pass, and I'll miss this season just as I miss the littleness when looking at pictures that are just a couple of months old. My heart aches at how fast he has changed.

I don't want to rush any season. I don't want to wait for the next time around to fuss less and be still. I guess this is motherhood. Trying to cherish and document the days with a mixture of joy and sorrow in our hearts. The days are deceiving because we gauge the pace at which life is moving by them, and in parenthood they are long. But the years? Oh the years, they will be short.

guest blogging at Homebirth Cesarean Interational

I am guest blogging today at Homebirth Cesarean International.  I wrote an Open Letter to the Natural Birth Community. It's something I had been thinking about for a while, and I am thankful for the opportunity to share it with HBCI.

Something in me awakened when an LLL leader told me about this organization. I immediately found their facebook group and joined. It has been a huge help to have these women to share, process, and grieve our experiences.

HBC (homebirth cesarean) is the name this organization has given to women, like me, who planned an out of hospital birth but ended up with a c-section. They provide support and acknowledge our stories because they matter too. Our own natural birth communities tend to not know what to do with us. After reading so many stories from moms in the HBC group, I was inspired to write the piece on our behalf.

I struggled with understanding why I had to go through so much in my birth experience. I'm seeing more and more clearly that I am an advocate. I want to advocate for other women who end up with a birth story like mine so that their grief is not compounded by a lack of acceptance or support. Sadly today our natural birth communities have some work to do as evidenced by the countless stories that have been shared among our group. We can do better. Our hurting moms need us all to do better.

breast milk sharing: it takes a village

Regardless of how one feeds their baby, it is a lot of work. Sometimes we choose how our baby is fed. Sometimes we don't. I only exclusively breastfed Liam for 5 days. When it became clear I wasn't going to be able to meet his nutritional needs then came the question of what do we supplement with.

At first we gave him Enfamil Premium samples we'd received in the mail. All those comments I had made about getting this crap out of our house were served some serious, humble pie when in desperation I asked Patrick to get the formula from the garage at 2:30 am our second night home.

My midwife sourced some donated breast milk for us from another birth center mom who also ended up with a c-section. She was not able to nurse but had a tremendous supply via exclusive pumping. We started emailing, and she was a great support since she knew how I was feeling and what I was going through with my birth experience.

I was able to feed Liam about 50% of the time with her breast milk, so I started looking into homemade formula. In the mean time, we were feeding him Earth's Best Organic formula. Our lactation consultant told me about the Weston A. Price formula recipe. I believed it was a better option than organic formula, but I was completely overwhelmed by the time commitment. You have to make batches of formula everyday. It's not recommended to make large batches in advance and freeze them for later use. I didn't have the emotional capacity to take that on in those early PP days/weeks/months.

I learned about Eats on Feet and Human Milk 4 Human Babies.  Both are facebook groups that provide a place for moms with extra breast milk to share with moms who, for whatever reason, are unable to provide enough of their own milk for their babies. I was reluctant to source milk this way at first because I wasn't sure about getting it from strangers. However, I felt very passionate about feeding Liam breast milk even if it wasn't mine.

Through both of these groups, I've connected with a lot of mamas who have shared their liquid gold with us. A wonderful LLL leader also helped me source donations, which has been a huge help.  I saw how much better Liam did on breast milk vs formula, so I became committed to trying to feed him 100% breast milk whether it was the little bit I pumped or from another mama. Patrick and I feel a sense of excitement and relief when we stock up our freezer after a pick up. I've become a breast milk sourcin' networkin' feign!

I have been so amazed and humbled at the generosity of these women. Sometimes it's hard to explain to people what we feed Liam if they ask, but I answer honestly and openly. No, I was not able to breastfeed. Yes, I have a very tiny supply. Yes, we feed him donated breast milk that comes from other mamas.

One thing is for sure; the bond of mamahood is fierce y'all. Yes, there is a lot of negativity out there about "mommy wars," but what I have experienced has been beautiful, bold, and uplifting. The gift I have received by so many women has given me peace in my own grief of not being able to breastfeed. I have no doubt if we have another baby and I find myself in the same situation, I will absolutely go the donated breast milk route again.

If you're interested in learning more about milk sharing, you can go here and here.

to everything there is a season: turn, turn, turn

Spring and summer are usually my favorite times of the year. The first signs of spring waking from its winter slumber are magical to me. Everything feels fresh and new. Possibilities seems endless and hopes and dreams bubble up in my heart. The first day when it's finally warm enough to break out the Rainbows, planning trips to new places, and mild days of weather perfection make me feel all is right and good in the world. So many fun and exciting seasons of my life have started right around spring time like my now husband asking me on our first date, getting engaged (just before spring), and finding out I was pregnant.

I barely remember what spring felt like this year. It came and went without me noticing. Earlier this year I was given counsel to just hang on until the summer. There were difficult situations and decisions that needed to be made, and I was feeling the pressure of having to sort it all out right then. The summer would bring reprieve and a welcomed change in routine as it always does. My husband would be home, and we could take a breath.

He went back to work three weeks ago and right before his first day I said, "You know we spent the first half of the year just waiting for this season and now it's over." A sense of hopelessness came with the start of a new school year. It felt like we were diving head first back into where we left off before summer, and it didn't feel good.

But then something amazing happened.  Everything didn't turn black, blue and gray. Things went rather smoothly and our feelings of hopelessness and desperation turned to, "Everything's going to be OK." I don't exactly have a tangible reason for this hope that is floating to the top, but I do know when I've experienced this in the past something good is on the way. Maybe not in time for fall or winter or even spring, but it's coming.

This fall feels kind of like New Years to me. A chance to reevaluate and reset. A chance for change and growth. A chance for tearing down and rebuilding. Cheers to new seasons that offer hope and even if the change I long for doesn't come quickly may my heart still sing praise and my eyes stay fixed on Him.

a little house keeping

Welcome to the dusted off, new and improved old blog of mine. After reaching out to the lovely Audrey at Stuff Audrey Says about some redesign and rebranding, I decided to combine this blog with my other one. I pretty much gave her full reign only requesting something clean and simple. I absolutely adore how it turned out.

I've dabbled in blogging since 2006.  Boy does that feel like a really long time ago. I stopped posting here in 2009 and for the most part banished this space to the land of misfit blogs.  It's funny (and a little embarrassing) to go back and read really old posts.

It feels a bit like going out on a limb to resurrect this blog, and I'm still finding my voice, but I know one thing is for sure; I'll never find it not trying. Here's to new interweb adventures.

breastfeeding: a labor of love

Like my birth experience where I assumed a natural birth outside of a hospital would be no question (birth story to come eventually) I assumed I would be able to breastfeed no problem. Well at least after the learning curve.

As I will detail in my birth story, I did not get to hold or meet my baby for four hours after he was born.  I don't remember the first time I breastfed him, but I know I did shortly after he was put in my arms thanks to the video my sweet husband had the forethought to take because he asked me if I wanted the Boppy.  The video stops there unfortunately.

I remember Liam latching like a little champ and being so thankful considering all we had been through.  I remember nursing him until he was milk drunk and it being the best feeling in the world. Lactation consultants flittered in and out of our room during our three days in the hospital, and all affirmed we were doing great.  I complained a few times to the nurses that my nipples were really sore. They all said it was initial soreness from nursing for the first time.  By the time we left the hospital my nipples were bruised, cracked, scabbed and hurting so badly.

On our way home from the hospital I asked my husband to stop by The Baby Grocery Store to buy some Earth Mama Angel Baby Natural Nipple Butter and Booby Tubes because my girls were screaming.  The first night home was awful.  I was in so much pain that I dreaded nursing.  Liam screamed because he was hungry.  My milk hadn't come in and I was practically starving him. Patrick and I were up nearly all night with a screaming baby and feeling completely helpless. I refused to give him formula.  I was determined to make breastfeeding work.  We were going to do this!

The next morning we went to our pediatrician where we learned within one day he went from a 6% to 11% weight loss.  When I told them formula wasn't an option they wanted me to see a lactation consultant that day.  I decided to wait to see my midwife the next day.  That night was equally as awful.  Liam screamed for hours and couldn't be consoled.  When I couldn't take the screaming for a minute longer, I would nurse until I couldn't take the pain any longer.  At 2:30 am I told Patrick to get the formula.  He responded, "Isn't that giving in?"  I said, "It doesn't matter!  This is child abuse!"  We gave him 1 oz of formula in hopes it would help him sleep.

I felt relief when daylight came because that meant we were going to see our midwife, and I had hope we could get some answers.  She noticed his upper lip frenum was thick.  I nursed, and we weighed him before and after.  He gained half an ounce, and my midwife was pleased with that.  She noted the cocktail of drugs during labor could be the reason my milk hadn't come in yet.

After another terrible night, we had a lactation consultant come to our house.  This time he only gained 5 ml after nursing.  She said we had to start supplementing right away.  I was heart broken. She gave us a supplemental nursing system, which I hated.  It took Patrick and I both to get Liam latched with the little tube in his mouth.  I began wondering how I would feed Liam after Patrick went back to work.  She looked at his mouth and didn't think we needed to do anything about his lip tie.  I was to use the SNS system and pump for 15 minutes after every feeding.

This schedule was sending me straight to crazy town.  I was an emotional wreck and exhausted.  I was healing from major surgery, hurting emotionally from the loss of my natural birth, and now trying to wrap my head around not being able to exclusively nurse my baby as I had planned. I began pumping and finger feeding him with the SNS to allow my damaged nipples time to heal.  I didn't pump as often as I really should have, and I felt so much guilt about it.

I started reaching out to my co workers wife who is very involved with Le Leche League.  I also got connected with a Breastfeeding USA volunteer.  These amazing and supportive women helped me keep going.  They encouraged me in all the hard work I was doing and worked with me to try to figure out what was going on.  We started seeing a pediatric chiropractor but still no change in the agonizing pain I was experiencing.

At two weeks I took Liam back to the pediatrician because I thought he might have reflux.  I described some of the things he was doing when eating, and she wanted me to see an Occupational Therapist.  We went that afternoon.  She agreed with our midwife that his maxillary labial frenum was thick and needed to be corrected.  She was amazing and so helpful!  Now came the tricky part of finding someone we felt comfortable with to correct it.

There was a pediatric dentist who would do it, but they didn't have a lot of experience with it.  I called the ENT I was referred to and when I asked them questions about how they do the procedure the lady kept saying, "I can't give you medical advice."  I'm not asking for medical advice!  I just want to know HOW you do the procedure before I make an appointment and waste time and money. NEXT!

Then there was the pediatrician who I was told corrected lip ties.  I called to make an appointment and was told they only see established patients. My co worker's wife suggested I get established even if I didn't plan to continue going there.  I felt kinda shady about doing that, but I was desperate.  We made the long drive on a cold rainy day.  It's a huge practice, and there were a bagillion people in the waiting area.  I'm not a fan of large medical practices. When we see the doctor, he makes a comment about how it sounds like our reason for coming is to correct the lip tie. I guess he was onto us.

He checked Liam's lip and said he wouldn't do anything about it. He has their lactation consultant come in and see us. She looks at my breasts, throws out some medical terms, and leaves the room. Mind you this is the lactation consultant who I have been told by several LLL people is the best of the best in Charlotte. The doctor comes back and basically goes on to say formula isn't that bad and breastfeeding wasn't going to work out for us in so many words.

I was heartbroken.  So heartbroken.  Despite what this doctor said I decided I was not going to give up on breastfeeding.  Patrick and I were talking about going to NY where there is a pediatric dentist who is the expert at correcting lip and tongue ties. It was going to be a gruelling and expensive trip, but I was willing to do anything to salvage any kind of breastfeeding relationship I could.

Two different LLL mamas suggested calling a dentist practically in my backyard about correcting the lip tie. This dentist is only in Cornelius two days a week so it took a few days of phone tag to actually talk with someone, but they were willing to see Liam.  I went on a Tuesday, and he said he could do it the next day. He uses a laser and only did topical anesthesia.  This was a big deal because most people will either use general anesthesia or local anesthesia, so the fact that he only used a topical was great.  He's not even open on Wednesdays but understanding the urgency of our situation he asked if we could come in the next day.

I met him there the next morning, and it was just the dentist, Liam, and I.  He had told me to give him some Tylenol and Motrin an hour before. Liam cried during the procedure, but I think it was more from having someone hold his upper lip than anything.  The area looked gross afterward, but otherwise he seemed fine the rest of the day.  He was exhausted after the procedure, so we went home and snuggled.

I was warned by the Breastfeeding USA volunteer that things might not change right away.  I'm glad she did because she was right, and I knew not to get discouraged.  I kept pumping, despite the ridiculously low amount I was getting, and kept trying to nurse.  In one of her emails she said,
"I'm impressed that you are still pumping, that you've moved forward with getting Liam's issues diagnosed and treated, that you're still in the game! You must have a will of titanium, girlfriend! "
The tears came as I read this.  Her encouragement meant so much to me.  She came to my house shortly after his frenectomy and spent a couple of hours observing Liam's latch and making some suggestions on how to more comfortably breastfeed.  I'm forever grateful to the support I received from her and the LLL women.  I'm also grateful to my uber supportive husband.

Around week 9 or 10 nursing got so much better.  There was no longer searing, f bomb dropping kind of pain.  In 40 hours of natural labor I never once dropped an f bomb. However, they flew freely when Liam would latch. The pain was SEARING.

I would nurse him every morning and evening before giving him a bottle.  It's was wonderful being able to nurse him to sleep.  It was not his main source of nutrition, but I could comfort and connect with him.

Then...oh then...he started getting frustrated at the breast and not wanting to nurse.  If I tried to offer him my breast when he was hungry it would make him cry louder, which broke my heart.  He realized there wasn't much milk in there. I tried not to get discouraged but simply just kept pumping and trying to offer the breast later.  Anytime he chose to latch I was simply grateful.

I went back to work and was able to continue breast feeding until he absolutely refused to latch. He would get mad and cry. I felt like he was rejecting me. I had worked so hard.

Looking back I am still sad but grateful to the short time I was able to breastfeed comfortably. It was a great joy to nurse him to sleep and give him what I had. I continued to pump and stopped at 6 months. I didn't intentionally stop pumping. I started struggling with serious exhaustion that lasted for a couple of weeks, and I was pumping less often. This all but extinguished my supply. I had intended to pump for at least a year despite the tiny amounts of output.

I still have the last bit of pumped milk in the fridge even though it is unusable and needs to be thrown away. At the time I didn't know it would be the last of the milk I would produce for now. I haven't been able to bring myself to throw it out yet. I finally packed the pump away. There was both relief, guilt, and deep sadness in closing a really big door on this chapter of motherhood.

a sacred & hard season

I have had a heightened sense since my son was born just how sacred and fleeting these days are. Some days more than others, but I feel the season of being a mommy to a baby Liam slipping away like sand in an hour glass.  I'm afraid I'm missing it.

I'm not going to sugar coat it.  It's not what I do.  But this season of our life has been hard.  Really hard. The transition into parenthood is hard enough, but we did it all while having a lot of things implode around us.  My beautiful birth center birth turned into a hospital c-section nightmare.  My lovely birth center turned into a place I don't like. Breastfeeding was one of the most challenging things I have ever fought for and a loss I grieve deeply.  For a few beautiful weeks I was able to give him what little milk I had before he started refusing to latch.  At the time I didn't know it would only last for such a short time.

I told Patrick a few weeks ago this season of life has felt like we're stranded on a deserted island surrounded by infested waters.  We're alone and constantly fighting creatures that come up on shore threatening to attack us.  We keep sending God an S.O.S.  He continues to deliver provision to the island, but I want God to send a helicopter to rescue us.

I wish I could say I was passing this test with flying colors.  I'm not.  I'm failing miserably, which discourages me even more because I wonder if my own inability is going to make this season last for a really looooong time.  I know God's grace is bigger though.

Motherhood is lonely.  Everyday feels like I'm just trying to survive.  Get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, play a little, and then pray that Liam will go to sleep at a decent hour so that I can have just a little bit of free time before I go to bed and do it all over again.  I feel guilty for saying that or having those feelings. Liam is delightful.  Legit he is such an easy baby.  People comment all the time about how happy he is. The Lord is teaching me so much about JOY through this little soul.

There is hope on the horizon, but my fear tells me not to let it get out of hand lest I end up disappointed.  I know we'll come through this and look back wondering why we didn't just trust the Lord with reckless abandon all along.  There will be more difficult seasons to wade through once this one is over.  It's all an ebb and flow.  Hopefully if I learn anything about this season it will be that our little family is resilient.  That I'm resilient.  I know with the Lord I can be if I choose to keep my eyes on Him instead of the mountain that needs moving.

birth matters

I have done a lot of processing and grieving of my birth experience.  I know most people don't get it, and that's OK.  I'm grateful to have a handful of people in my life who get it, who understand the loss I feel.

Someone sent me this article which I found tremendously helpful.

"Birth is a life-defining experience that sticks with you.  Ask most moms about their birth stories, and you can see and hear the emotions rush back as they share.  These are stories—good or bad—that we vividly relive over and over, whether we want to or not.  And let’s not forget that our experiences can have major, lasting, and permanent health consequences.  Our birth stories affect the postpartum period (baby blues, anyone?), our relationships with our babies and families, and our attitudes about ourselves and future births."

A-freaking-men.

I've gone through so many what ifs.  I don't waste much energy on the things I couldn't control or change.  However I think a lot about and regret deeply that I did not hire a doula.  I had one on standby in case I didn't manage well, but I actually coped really well with laboring.  I did labor naturally for 40 hours after all. I feel confident if I had found the focus I had toward the end of my time at the birth center sooner things could have been different.  Patrick was a great support, but I didn't like him giving me suggestions.  He had no idea what I was experiencing.  Another woman who had been through birth before to cheer me on I believe could have changed the whole outcome.

I struggled with fear.  I told my midwife I was afraid of pushing the baby out.  She said I needed to let it go.  I knew that, but I didn't know how.  I also held back a lot during the day while I was laboring because there was construction going on right outside the birth room I was in.  My midwife asked me if the noise bothered me, and I said no.  However knowing there were construction men who could hear me vocalizing through each contraction (I knew they could hear me because I could hear them) made me hold back.  I wasn't comfortable letting go because I didn't have privacy.  I wasn't in a mind frame to communicate what I needed either.  I was focused on getting through each contraction as quietly as possible. Not what a laboring woman needs to do.  She needs space to roar!

When we got home from the hospital I would take a shower and just want to cry.  Cry until there were no more tears, but I couldn't because it was too painful physically.  I had all this sadness and emotion that needed to come out.  I couldn't even laugh.  Taking a shower, getting dressed, walking the stairs in our house, picking up the baby....everything was an ordeal because I was healing from major surgery.  I couldn't believe that out of all the people I knew who had had c-sections they never talked about how hard this was!  I kept thinking, "Who the hell chooses this?"  Then breastfeeding fell apart.  Then I found out my placenta was infected and couldn't be encapsulated.  I couldn't even hold the tears back from that phone call before hanging up.  Greif, upon greif, upon grief.

There were things, sometimes really small things, that would send me fast into a downward spiral. Like seeing all the birth announcements from my birth center pop up in my newsfeed on Facebook. I read announcements for baby after baby born beautifully and naturally while pregnant and had looked forward to my own.  Except there was none. After Liam's birth I would see one while scrolling through Facebook on my phone and was suddenly thrust into the most unbearable sadness. No welcome to the family for us.  It felt like those births were beautiful and worth celebrating and mine wasn't. I felt like an outsider, a birth center reject, but ultimately like a failure.

We were supposed to have free birth photography, but 30 minutes after she arrived we left for the hospital.  Almost two months later my midwife contacted me asking for the photographer's information.  At first I was excited to hear from her and quickly sent over the information.  Then the deepest sadness hit me.  Someone else was going to get their beautiful natural birth photographed for free because I didn't.  I was at work doing payroll when I got the request.  I went into a trance of sadness and somehow managed to delete all of January's payroll (I was currently working on February's).  What normally takes me about 20 minutes to complete took three hours.  It took me several days to shake the sadness.

As things have unfolded and tangled webs have spun I have found myself at times stuck in a deep sadness. Unexpected heartache has left me feeling like I have no ability to cope at times.  I started seeing a counselor who specializes in postpartum issues and traumatic birth experiences. That coupled with conversations with people who get it have helped.  Sometimes something triggers my grief, and I get lost in a wave of emotion for a few days that makes completely normal tasks exhausting.  Sometimes my emotions are like a bull in a china shop.

It all seems like a dream now.  Like I can't believe everything that happened.  Maybe that's a good thing.  I don't know.

I think a lot about the next time. I hope there is a next time.  I hope for another chance at natural birth and for a healing experience.  Currently I'm working on having peace now.  I have found a lot of healing in Birth Without Fear.  I love how all births are celebrated and women are supported in this online community. Having a handful of moms to talk with who had similar experiences has helped a lot too.

Just because healing hasn't come today doesn't mean it won't.  Today's hopelessness feels like a life sentence, but I know that's not true.  I know that all things work for good to those that love the Lord, but today I can't see it.  I'm reminded that God can do more in my waiting than I in my doing.  So I wait.

dear liam - sixteen weeks

Liam,

You will be 17 weeks tomorrow, so I am just barely getting this in. A lot has happened since I last wrote you 12 weeks ago.  I started back to work and Mrs. Kirstin has been keeping you.  You smile so big when you see her each morning, which makes my heart happy knowing you are well cared for when I can't be there.

I say to your Daddy all the time how I wish you could stay a baby forever, but we all know that can't happen.  You are sooo stinkin' cute and fun right now that I wish I could freeze time.  Truly though I can't wait to watch you grow and see more and more of the person the Lord has created you to be.

I witnessed you sleeping with your bum in the air the first time this morning.  I texted a picture to Dad.  You look like an angel when you sleep.  I rocked you this morning after giving you a bottle and with your face towards mine I could have sat there all day rocking and looking at you.  I was rocking you to sleep one night last week and signing when you looked up at me with the sweetest smile I may have ever seen.  My heart is so full of love for you it's crazy.

We moved your crib from your nursery downstairs up to our room.  You had been sleeping in your Pack N Play in our room, and we decided it was time to let you sleep in your own room.  That only lasted one night.  I didn't get good sleep with having you on the floor below us.  I was awake watching your monitor most of the night.  Your daddy moved the crib and rocking chair up to our room, and I feel much better about our sleeping arrangement now.  I bought an organic crib mattress, and I'm glad you're finally getting to use it.  I'm not sure why we didn't think of moving the crib sooner, but I'm glad we made the switch.  Speaking of sleep you've slept long stretches the last two nights which have been a welcomed change.

You started rolling over two weeks ago.  Kirstin sent me a video of you almost rolling from your back to your front.  She said you rolled from front to back that day on the bed.  I have only seen you roll from front to back once, and I actually got it on video!!  You roll from back to front all the time now.  When we lay you in your crib you immediately roll to your tummy.  You started this sometime last week.  Sometimes you roll over with one arm completely underneath you.  It looks pretty uncomfortable, so I adjust it hoping I don't wake you up.  Usually you keep snoozing away.

This whole rolling business though has made it difficult for me to get a shower in the morning during the week.  I usually put you on your activity mat right outside the bathroom where I can see you from the shower.  Now you roll over and get frustrated because you can't roll onto your back, so I have to hop out of the shower a couple of times to roll you back over.  I think it's time to get an exersaucer.

Sunday you started squealing.  I know I say this a lot, but it's so cute!  I love it.  I recorded a few minutes of you showing off your new trick and sent it out to aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

You've been bearing weight on your legs almost since you were born it seems.  You are really strong.  Your grip is something fierce, and you like to grab anything you can get your hands on including my hair!  You show interest in your toys, swat at things, and of course want to put everything in your mouth.  You have been drool city lately!

Your cheeks are so chubby.  I can not kiss them enough.  Everyone remarks on how cute and big you are.  You've gained weight so well.  You have to be at least 14 lbs.  We'll find out soon at your four month visit.  You will be 4 months this Saturday!  It's crazy!

We have traveled a lot in the short time you've been Earth side.  We've gone to Asheville three times and Raleigh once.  Our last trip to Asheville was April 5th and 6th.  The weather was beautiful.  It was a short and very busy trip, but my friend Heather came over to your great Nana's house and took some pictures of us.  Nana moved out of her house that weekend, and I wanted to have pictures of us there to always remember.  She has lived there since 1965, and I spent a great deal of my childhood there.  I know you won't remember it, but now we have pictures to show you and stories to tell when you're older.

Your Daddy and I love taking walks with you.  As soon as you were old enough we started using the jogging stroller.  You usually fall asleep.  Being able to walk everywhere is one of the reasons we moved to Davidson.  The weather lately has been gorgeous, so we all go for a walk nearly everyday walking between 2-4 miles.  We have worn you in a carrier for a few walks, but you don't always like it.  We bought a new carrier while we were in Asheville.  You seem to like to much better than any other ones we've tried.  Daddy carried you one time on his back during a walk, but you both got pretty sticky.

We love you so much and watching you grow and discover the world around you has been our greatest joy.

Love,

Mommy

dear liam - four weeks

My sweet boy,

Happy four weeks!  I have always heard other parents talk about how fast time flies after they have a baby, and I'm experiencing first hand how true it is.  You are growing so fast and are much more alert these days.  You make me laugh every day with your many facial expressions.  Daddy and I gave you a bath tonight after you decided to tinkle while he was changing your diaper.  You don't cry during bath time, but you had a very disgruntled look on your face like a little old man.  It's so stinkin' cute.

You sleep pretty good at night usually only waking up twice to eat.  You don't like to be worn in any of the carriers I have.  I hope you change your mind about that soon.  I love it when you fall asleep all curled up on my chest.  It's the sweetest thing.  Otherwise you don't like to be cuddled too much.  You have been holding your head up when on your tummy almost since you were born and we all marvel at how strong you are.  If you're not sleepy and I'm holding you, you like to hold your head up with your eyes wide and look around and make an "o" with your mouth.  It always makes me laugh.

I got out your activity mat Uncle Matthew and Aunt Jessie got for you yesterday.  You seem to like it a lot. Apparently Sully likes it too because I found him laying on it today.

Your smile is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.  Today you were smiling so big.  It completely melts me. I haven't been able to capture a picture of it yet, but I hope to soon. I can't wait to hear you laugh.

Getting to know each other over the past month has been so much fun. I love to study your little face and features. You have the biggest most beautiful eyes right now. We are pretty sure they will change to brown or green at some point. I've been clumsy at times trying to figure out this whole parenting thing.  Thank you for being patient with me as I learn how to best take care of you.

I feel like I'm struggling to properly document these days as they speed by. I wanted to write you a letter sooner, but it's hard to find time to sit down and write.  The lyrics of a Bethany Dillon song come to my mind often.  "Though I'm tired now you're worth every sleepless night. You're worth it all because I know you're the best song I'll ever write.  As we're humming and dancing through the years together you're the best song I'll ever write.  And I pray you'll see Jesus in it when you're older."

You are already outgrowing some of your outfits. I can't put the outfit you came home from the hospital on anymore.  I'm trying to study you as you grow so I can always remember what you were like right now. Your Daddy and I definitely need to make more use of the video camera we bought just before you made your appearance.

Your Daddy and I are so madly in love with you. Our hearts have been captured by you. It's been such an amazing adventure so far, and we've only just begun.

I love you my little one.

Mommy

we're expecting!

On April 19th I woke up and had a hunch that maybe I should take a pregnancy test.  We weren't trying, but we weren't preventing either.  However, after two years of this, I didn't really think I could pregnant.  No way. 

To my great shock and surprise two little lines appeared.  This couldn't be right though.  No way am I pregnant. We had just moved a week ago, so I scrounged around to find another test. Things were still in boxes and very unorganized.  It also showed two little lines.  What the what!!

Patrick had already left for work, so it was just me and the dog.  I stopped by Rite Aid on my way to work and bought a digital test that read either "pregnant" or "not pregnant".  Nothing to analyze or read into.  I chugged water like Juno and took the test in the restroom at work.  It read, "pregnant."

Can I just say this was the longest day in history?  Keeping this little secret all to myself until I could get home to tell Patrick in person made the minutes feel like hours.

I get home and had the video ready on my iPhone because I wanted to record his reaction.  I had the digital pregnancy test in my back pocket.  I've waited all day, I'm finally home, and the man is on the phone! I could not wait another minute to share this news.  You can hear me in the video whispering, "Get off the phone! Get off the phone!"

Videoing tipped him off because he whispers back, "Are you pregnant?!"  I just kept telling him to get.off.the.phone!  When he hung up I showed him the pregnancy test and we both just laughed and laughed.  We were shocked.  We were surprised.  We're having a baby?!

It was not apart of our plan because we had just moved into a new home exactly one week prior, but life is notorious for throwing curve balls into our "plans".

The first trimester was extremely difficult.  I was very sick and as a result suffered from some depression.  I was sick for about 8 weeks, and they were the longest 8 weeks of my life.  Nothing got touched during that time in our new home.  Boxes remained unpacked, papers needing filing piled up in our kitchen, the catch all room stayed full of random stuff....  We had no social life because I was simply not up to doing anything but going to bed when I got home from work.  I was rough.

I am so thankful that at 14 weeks I started feeling better.  It was like a fog lifted.  I could live a normal life again.  I was free from the cycle of work and then bed.  I hear sickness can return in the third trimester, so I am soaking up every minute of well being right now.

Also we found out that we're having a BOY!!!!  We are overjoyed and can not wait to meet him.  Here is a picture from our 3D ultrasound.

He was sucking his thumb!  Melt my heart already.

cream filled heaven

I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but I love to bake.  I mostly bake cupcakes, but I love to bake any kind of confection goodness.  I recently took a cupcake class at our local community college.  Here is what I came home with.  I ran out of time, so I didn't get to decorate all of them.  Fondant has always intimidated me, but this class gave me a little more confidence.

I recently found a recipe for cream filled cupcakes like a hostess cake that I wanted to try.  I found the recipe while searching for a cream filling because I love a cream filled doughnut, and I wanted to try to replicate it.  The first one I tried did not go so well.  However on Sunday I was able to find a couple of recipes that worked for me.

Making the chocolate buttercream

All done filling and ready for icing

Yummo

Cream filled goodness

I used box mix for the cupcakes (this recipe is time consuming, so I didn't feel like taking the time to make the cupcakes from scratch.  Maybe next time.), this filling, and this chocolate buttercream (her filling did not work for me the first time).   Happy Baking!

Love that Transcends Logic

*This is an old myspace post I decided to put on my "official blog."

As a child of Christ, we are loved by God. Yeah yeah, you know it, I know it. We know it. But do we? Are we radically changed and transformed by that idea daily? I'm not. Not in the least.

"It is a rare person who loses himself in the presence of other human beings...... Perhaps the most comforting characteristic of Christ is that He liked people. Were somebody to ask me to begin a religious system, I would sit down and write a book the way Muhammad and Joseph Smith both did. This would seem the most logical way to communicate new ideas. Writing in scrolls, however, was not something that interested Jesus. He never sat down and wrote a mission statement. Instead, He accumulated friends and allowed them to write about Him, testify about Him. Each of the Gospels reveals a Christ, who is with people, attended parties, drank with people, prayed with people, traveled with people, and worked with people. I can't imagine He would do this unless He actually likes people and cared about them. Jesus built our faith system entirely on relationships, forgoing, marketing efforts and spin. Not only that, but one of the criticisms of Christ was that He was a friend of pagans. Not that He hung out with pagans, but that He was their friend. I take great comfort in the possibility that Jesus would like me were we to meet face-to-face.......It must have been wonderful to spend time with Christ, with Somebody who liked you, loved you, believed in you, and offered a closeness foreign to sink-bound man. A person would feel significant in His presence. After all, those who knew Christ personally went on to accomplish amazing feats, proving unwavering devotion. It must have been thrilling to look into the eyes of God and have Him look back and communicate that human beings, down to the individual, are of immense worth and beauty and worthy of intimacy with each other and the Godhead. Such an understanding fueled a lifetime of joy and emotional health among the disciples that neither crowds of people jeering insults, nor prison, nor torture, nor exclusion could undo. They were faithful to the end, even to their own deaths....... I know in my heart they were not living the lives they lived or dying the deaths they died because they were doing something "right." -Searching for God Knows What/Donald Miller

Logic and fact have their place in this world, most certainly. But if you ask me, it's easier to cling to that which is in front of my face that which I can grasp and make sense of. I so often place the Lord in a box or turn Him into a checklist. Facts are easy. Relationships are messy. As a woman, I am supposed to be relational right? So this should be no sweat, but I fall so far short even in the places where I am supposed to be strong. In Francis Chans living with joy series, he talks about how he has to ask God daily to help him love others. He admits that he wakes up everyday thinking first of himself, his needs and desires. I have realized lately how poorly I love other people. I am so consumed with self, what Im struggling with, what I need, what I want. I want to be someone who loses themselves in the presence of others. I think that is so beautiful. I want to be so intricately connected to The Source of life that I am not only so full of life, but overflowing in such a way where I can just focus on giving and loving others. Content with second place and obscurity as Paul writes. I wonder how differently I would live my everyday life if I not only knew but believed that I am liked by God. How would I be able to relate and love others differently? I almost think its easier to understand we are loved than the idea that we are liked. I love my family, but I dont always like them. I use that same lens to perceive the way the Lord looks at me.

I look at these truths and first examine myself and then I look to the community. I feel that in some way it is forced community broken down to formula and logic. I accept my fair share of my part in it. I repent of it. As Mat has told me before, be the change. I will allow Christ to be the change in me. To breathe His relationship into a stiff and rigid heart like my own. Dont get me wrong, I am not bashing logic, but rather logic apart from relationship and so often take place of relationship. This is only my perception. Im not saying it is truth as far as our community goes. No doubt does relational, raw, authentic community exist because it absolutely does, but does anyone else besides me feel the pressure to break even that down to a formula? Does anyone else feel the pressure that says give space, dont create, dont expect, not too close, dont give too much, there will be nothing left of you, you will loose yourself, retreat, that person doesnt want to know you, dont share too much, you wont be/arent understood, you will be hurt, you will be let down, no one really cares? Maybe its just me, and if thats the case, than this is only a statement of how I feel.

"It is true that it is a powerful occurrence to have somebody look you in the eye and say you are worth something." Its also true that this is what Christ is communicating to every person all the time. If only I believed to the very marrow of my being I too could accomplish amazing feats with unwavering devotion.

Yay for Christmas Time!

Hello friends. Christmas is right around the corner. I hope everyone hasn't waited until the last minute like me to get all of your shopping and preparations done. I have a small problem with procrastination. I think I just like doing things under pressure. Anyway, I thought I would post some pictures. We finally finished (sorta) our dining room table and have a normal livable space now. Enjoy.

Our Christmas tree with the bow tree topper I made myself. I was actually pretty impressed considering I have never made a bow other than the kind you tie your shoes with in my life. Let's just say it looks good from far away :)

This is all of us marveling over dan's waterproof phone as he submerges it in our sink.


Friends, food, and fun.



The table we got for a steal off of Craigslist that took forever for us to refinish.

Le kitchen

And one more just for fun.

Random

So since I need a little humor in my life from being overworked, uncertain, and because I've started four blogs and just don't have the inspiration to finish any of them, I'm posting some of my favorite funny videos. Laughter is good for the soul, right?










This one gets funny at the very end.

Meanderings

Ya know, I usually literally start like three blogs and never finish them before I actually post one. I wish it came easier to me, but alas it does not. I am working on one called "Finding My Calcutta," which I would like to finish tonight while I have some free time, but I'm not just able to pour it out of my heart tonight. Does anyone ever get like that?

Things are settling in with my job pretty well. It's still not exactly what I want to be doing, but I'm still surrender and submitting what God wants me to do with my life to Him.

Patrick and I are still trying to figure out where to serve in our church and wrestling with where our community is. I have had a deep longing lately for rich, authentic, and organic community. I guess you could say I am in a dry spell. Patrick is learning and growing in the spirit like a weed lately, which is awesome and praise God! I guess things are coming to me more subtly. It's like nothing and everything changed when we got married. Community is one of those things. I still have my very dear friends, but I don't live with some of them anymore. I don't have long girl talks after Patrick goes home later. I have to work at it a lot harder, which is hard sometimes when you and your friends have busy lives. I am a drop in kind of friend. I like to be spontaneous, which made living with three girls for almost four years out of college so much fun. "Hey you wanna go...." at 11pm on a work/school night. I am in bed usually by 9 or 10 at the absolute latest now. I'm getting old!

I have felt a little lonely lately, and not lonely in the sense of the kind of loneliness I felt in some of my single days. A deep ache that is echoed in a lot of my older blogs. It's different. Last weekend I was volunteering at the race track with my church (we drive the golf carts and man the info booths every race) and I was just in a funk. I couldn't place my finger on it, but I just felt....detached. There are so many other things I am wrestling with currently that are weighing on me. Not in a this-burden-is-so-heavy-I-can-barely-take-another-step-forward. It's like a fog.

I go through seasons of this every so often. I get this feeling like I need to go somewhere else, not necessarily move or anything, but uproot myself from my current community and go to another one. Then the ping pong match starts in my head and I never go anywhere (I've been in the same place for six years this month actually!). Of course now, this is a whole other deal now that I'm married. It's no longer just my decision. I'm not saying I want to do this, but I can't seem to marry the idea of doing and being when I'm not growing. I want someone, other than my husband, to really know me (a female of course). Call me out. Ask me how I am doing in certain areas of my life. Challenge me. And every time I get to this place, I immediately mentally slap myself on the wrist for being selfish. Then I never go anywhere. Just spinning my wheels. I know that the Lord is/can/will be this for me, but then I also know I am called to live in community. So there is some kind of balance between the two. There is a need for both evangelism (I tend to be less gifted at) and discipleship (I tend to be more gifted at). Don't get me wrong, I have awesome friends. Community for me lately is a lot more forced and less organic. I take my own responsibility in this.

My question now is what does true discipleship look like? That's what I want to know, see, experience, and share. I realize that so much of my thinking is faulted. I am just trying to work through it all right now. These are just my honest and raw thoughts about where I am at at this current moment in time.

I want to be the change I'm longing for. I just don't know what that looks like. I'm not a big group gathering gal. I am a one-on-one person. However, I can't spend the rest of my life only hanging out with people on coffee dates. I get that. There is something that has overcome me lately in group gatherings. A tension in my heart that I am almost certain has to be from satan. Ugh. It's nothing new. The situations are different now, but the feeling is the same.

I want real community. More than getting together than just to complain or gossip. That's right I said it. So many people (including myself more than I like to admit) would have nothing to talk about if they weren't allowed to complain or gossip because both of these can take all sorts to forms and is a sneaky sneak tool of satan.

Lord, rid me of complaining and gossip. Convict me. Deconstruct the places in my heart that need your change and reconstruct me in Your ways. I can't do it on my own. You know how many times I have tried and still do try to do it alone. I'm sorry. Unleash the power of Your Spirit in me which can work mighty and powerful things into this weak and faltering heart. I am in desperate need of You.

Basically this blog makes no sense, but that is about how much sense I can make out of how I feel right now.

Transition, Transition, Transition......

I guess transition is just a part of life. Sigh. I'm a little tired of it. Some of it is fun and exciting, some of it is scary and unknown, and some of it is just down right frustrating and exhausting. I'm starting a new job tomorrow. I am on job number four only four years out of college. I think it will be good, but I am anxious to get trained and settled into a routine. My waistline doesn't do so well with out routine. Does anyone know what I mean? I have a love/hate relationship with routine. Within 7 months I got engaged, bought my first home, got married, and now I'm starting a new job. Whew! Things have been busy to say the least.

I have really struggled to find my place. So many things have changed or happened within the last year or so. It feels like the dust has finally settled and now I'm left trying to figure out where I go from here. My husband and I read the book Sex God by Rob Bell (I totally recommend this book for anyone single or married) before we got married. He talked about marriage having a mission. It pressed on me so much I incorporated it into my wedding vows to Patrick. I so badly want to know what God's mission is for our marriage. I so badly want to be challenged more deeply, to know Him more deeply. I just can't do this on my own. I've tried and it doesn't work. I just want more..... So for right now my heart is in a place where it simply feels out of place. Something is churning within me, which I am thankful for, but I'm not sure what the revelation is yet. It's still working itself out in me.

I had a really awesome conversation with my very dear friend on gmail chat a couple weeks ago. She is getting married in 16 days! So exciting! She was asking how marriage is going for us and I shared some of the challenges we've encountered. Marriage for me has been like a mirror. It has been refining. Married life is amazing especially since I'm married to a wonderful, sweet, and humble man. He teaches me so much. At the same time it is hard at moments. All these things you thought you agreed on and would be no sweat once married didn't exactly work out that way. So far we've worked through those kinks, but sometimes they catch you off guard when you thought you already had that figured out. One of the things I shared with her was how we have had to continue to learn how to communicate with each other when we have a "miscommunication" or you could also say a disagreement.

I can be fiercely stubborn. I have learned the hard way that it is so much easier to just be humble, open and responsive from the very beginning. It only takes two nights of no sleep and long heart heavy days at work because you went to bed mad because you refused to talk about it, to make one learn you don't ever ever ever want to go through that again. The former is harder than the latter but you have to eventually do the latter anyway because it's miserable to not be at peace with the person whom you not only share a roof but also a bed so why not just chose the harder but in the end easier route. Follow me? The first month, so far, has proved to be harder than the second. I would like to think that it's because we're learning and growing and getting better at the marriage thing. The other thing I shared with my friend was learning to not act a fool because now you don't have to worry about this person going anywhere. In dating, you still walk the line a little bit, even with an engagement ring on your finger, but I have had to learn how to react/respond in a more gentle manner when something upsets me or rubs me the wrong way.

I am learning so much about myself, which is good but also hard. I read somewhere about this book that says something to the affect of what if God created marriage to make us holy rather than happy. Wow. Yeah. Being married is refining me. Patrick and I are learning together. I married a wonderful man who puts up humbly and gently a lot sometimes from his slow to learn wife. For that, I am extremely grateful.

This post is somewhat random and all over the place, but these are things that have been going on without and within me lately. Until next time.....