God is moving. Insert Fear.

It's late. I'm tired. It's been forever again since I last wrote on here. I have been thinking some lately about writing a new blog. Today however, it has pressed more on my heart, so while I have the opportunity to stay up late because I don't have to work tomorrow (RARE!), I figured this would be my perfect opportunity.

God has been speaking to me a lot lately. Words can't almost express how good it feels for my soul to get a good drenching of the Holy Spirit. I have felt so dry for sometime now that I am definitely releasing a huge sigh of thankfulness for any insight, teaching, or even correction from the Lord. I don't even know where to start. I could be up half the night trying formulate sentences and paragraphs to go through the ins and outs of what has been going on lately, so I will try to keep it slightly brief.

I'm going to start here and go backwards. Less than an hour ago I was driving home for the second time because the first time I realized I was locked out, and I didn't want to wake my roommate to let me in because she actually has to be up for work in the morning. I decided instead to drive 5 minutes to where my other roommate was hanging out and borrow her house key. In exchange, I gave her my garage door opener and promised to unlock the door to the garage. Meaningless details really, however, in this short drive there and back, I think I have learned something that could unlock potent power of revelation to fight the evil forces of darkness that have hovered so long in a certain area of my life. I shall explain....

There is probably nothing more debilitating to my spiritual walk and journey than this one thing.

Yes, that's right you guessed it.

Fear.

It over shadows my courage, my faith. It can come like a thick black fog in an instant and make a complete coward of me. I have always been a fearful person. I don't like to stay at home by myself. I get completely freaked out. I've gotten somewhat better, but when my mind starts to get creative, I can be completely overcome. This isn't only contained to fears of an intruder in my house in the middle of the night or day for that matter. It extends beyond these kinds of things.

My fears come in seasons.

I noticed that ever since last night, certain thoughts and feelings had began to creep into my mind and heart. Worries of loosing someone I love. Sometimes this fear can be extremely powerful.

It's really more than that though.

Yesterday I was in a mood. A bad mood. There were thoughts and feelings lying beneath the surface that hadn't been dealt with or talked about, which came out as a roaring monster towards Patrick. This finally led to a not so fun discussion after I finally just told him how I felt about a particular thing. I am so stubborn. I always want Patrick to apologize first. He almost always does. His heart is so sweet and tender towards me. I'm humbled at how no matter how ridiculous I can get he always in the end comes towards me gently and humbly. He teaches me so much. And it is HARD. It has been like a mirror of the ugliness in my heart. Through how he acts and responds towards me has shown me so many things about myself. Things that aren't pretty. Things that need to be reshaped and softened out by the Lord. It has been hard but sooo good.

Among some other things that have happened where heart change and conviction have occurred, all of this leads me back to my drive home. My heart has been softened, made more sensitive, convicted of sin, and many many other things, so God is MOVING in me.

And then comes the fear.

I'm getting married in three weeks. I start thinking about all these crazy ridiculous things about what if this or what if that. Debilitating thoughts of fear. I have experienced this time and time and time again. I felt like drawing back, retreating, settling back down into the place I have found myself lately, which is not sensitive or aware of the Spirit in and around me. Back to complacency where the fear for the most part stays away. The win of it all on my drive home from getting the key from my other roommate was the REALIZATION of satan trying to attack what God was doing. Trying to get me from moving forward in what God was showing me.

I HAVE to trust the Lord despite all these fears that swirl and loom within me sometimes. I have to TRUST that He is sovereign and His heart towards me is GOOD, which is exactly what satan doesn't want me to believe. God does not want me to live a life of fear. Satan does. I have a long way to go, but at least after tonight, I am aware of what is happening and start to pray against them.

God is sooo good. May I ever be able to say it despite any circumstance I might find myself in. That scares me even just to type it because I fear calamity and tragedy in my life. Lord please help me to walk in faith in you trusting that no matter what everything will be OK.