Love that Transcends Logic

*This is an old myspace post I decided to put on my "official blog."

As a child of Christ, we are loved by God. Yeah yeah, you know it, I know it. We know it. But do we? Are we radically changed and transformed by that idea daily? I'm not. Not in the least.

"It is a rare person who loses himself in the presence of other human beings...... Perhaps the most comforting characteristic of Christ is that He liked people. Were somebody to ask me to begin a religious system, I would sit down and write a book the way Muhammad and Joseph Smith both did. This would seem the most logical way to communicate new ideas. Writing in scrolls, however, was not something that interested Jesus. He never sat down and wrote a mission statement. Instead, He accumulated friends and allowed them to write about Him, testify about Him. Each of the Gospels reveals a Christ, who is with people, attended parties, drank with people, prayed with people, traveled with people, and worked with people. I can't imagine He would do this unless He actually likes people and cared about them. Jesus built our faith system entirely on relationships, forgoing, marketing efforts and spin. Not only that, but one of the criticisms of Christ was that He was a friend of pagans. Not that He hung out with pagans, but that He was their friend. I take great comfort in the possibility that Jesus would like me were we to meet face-to-face.......It must have been wonderful to spend time with Christ, with Somebody who liked you, loved you, believed in you, and offered a closeness foreign to sink-bound man. A person would feel significant in His presence. After all, those who knew Christ personally went on to accomplish amazing feats, proving unwavering devotion. It must have been thrilling to look into the eyes of God and have Him look back and communicate that human beings, down to the individual, are of immense worth and beauty and worthy of intimacy with each other and the Godhead. Such an understanding fueled a lifetime of joy and emotional health among the disciples that neither crowds of people jeering insults, nor prison, nor torture, nor exclusion could undo. They were faithful to the end, even to their own deaths....... I know in my heart they were not living the lives they lived or dying the deaths they died because they were doing something "right." -Searching for God Knows What/Donald Miller

Logic and fact have their place in this world, most certainly. But if you ask me, it's easier to cling to that which is in front of my face that which I can grasp and make sense of. I so often place the Lord in a box or turn Him into a checklist. Facts are easy. Relationships are messy. As a woman, I am supposed to be relational right? So this should be no sweat, but I fall so far short even in the places where I am supposed to be strong. In Francis Chans living with joy series, he talks about how he has to ask God daily to help him love others. He admits that he wakes up everyday thinking first of himself, his needs and desires. I have realized lately how poorly I love other people. I am so consumed with self, what Im struggling with, what I need, what I want. I want to be someone who loses themselves in the presence of others. I think that is so beautiful. I want to be so intricately connected to The Source of life that I am not only so full of life, but overflowing in such a way where I can just focus on giving and loving others. Content with second place and obscurity as Paul writes. I wonder how differently I would live my everyday life if I not only knew but believed that I am liked by God. How would I be able to relate and love others differently? I almost think its easier to understand we are loved than the idea that we are liked. I love my family, but I dont always like them. I use that same lens to perceive the way the Lord looks at me.

I look at these truths and first examine myself and then I look to the community. I feel that in some way it is forced community broken down to formula and logic. I accept my fair share of my part in it. I repent of it. As Mat has told me before, be the change. I will allow Christ to be the change in me. To breathe His relationship into a stiff and rigid heart like my own. Dont get me wrong, I am not bashing logic, but rather logic apart from relationship and so often take place of relationship. This is only my perception. Im not saying it is truth as far as our community goes. No doubt does relational, raw, authentic community exist because it absolutely does, but does anyone else besides me feel the pressure to break even that down to a formula? Does anyone else feel the pressure that says give space, dont create, dont expect, not too close, dont give too much, there will be nothing left of you, you will loose yourself, retreat, that person doesnt want to know you, dont share too much, you wont be/arent understood, you will be hurt, you will be let down, no one really cares? Maybe its just me, and if thats the case, than this is only a statement of how I feel.

"It is true that it is a powerful occurrence to have somebody look you in the eye and say you are worth something." Its also true that this is what Christ is communicating to every person all the time. If only I believed to the very marrow of my being I too could accomplish amazing feats with unwavering devotion.

Yay for Christmas Time!

Hello friends. Christmas is right around the corner. I hope everyone hasn't waited until the last minute like me to get all of your shopping and preparations done. I have a small problem with procrastination. I think I just like doing things under pressure. Anyway, I thought I would post some pictures. We finally finished (sorta) our dining room table and have a normal livable space now. Enjoy.

Our Christmas tree with the bow tree topper I made myself. I was actually pretty impressed considering I have never made a bow other than the kind you tie your shoes with in my life. Let's just say it looks good from far away :)

This is all of us marveling over dan's waterproof phone as he submerges it in our sink.


Friends, food, and fun.



The table we got for a steal off of Craigslist that took forever for us to refinish.

Le kitchen

And one more just for fun.

Homeless

In a couple of hours, Patrick and I will go downtown with a group of people to serve a meal on the sidewalk as we have done for the past several years. At first every Saturday and now every Sunday, as there are two groups who feed at 3:30 now. We used to walk up and down Tryon street with paper bags trying to find people to serve. Word gets around fast and now we have a line of people waiting for us when we get there. Patrick and I in our new married life have been seeking what God's mission is for our marriage. We don't feel as though we are anywhere close to having this figured out, as walking with God is a journey and His mission for us is a journey. However, severing the homeless has taken on a whole new meaning for me lately: My dad is currently homeless.

It's a really long story. One in which I don't wish to get into all the details because one it would take too long and two it's not really necessary for you to get my point. Patrick and I went to visit my family for Thanksgiving. I hadn't seen or talked to my Dad since April. I got married in August. I walked down the isle by myself. He was in jail the day I got married for back child support. Not an unusual occurrence. I had heard that he chose to go happily for six months because then they couldn't pick him up anymore for it. I was so hurt and mad when I had heard this. I wasn't sure if he would come anyway because of dynamics with our family, but still.

I decided to put down my hurt feelings and try to see him while I was in town. I had heard he was staying at the shelter downtown, which is where he's been since he was released from jail. I went to the library because my grandmother had said I might be able to find him there. Since it was a holiday, the library was closed until Sunday. Patrick and I started to walk back to the car when Patrick saw my dad walking down the street. I would have completely missed him.

We went to a place downtown to share an appetizer. He didn't want a meal. They feed dinner at the shelter, which he had to be back to at 4pm. His spirit was melancholy. He shared a little about his experience is jail. He was sad and angered that he missed our wedding (not exactly the story I had been told originally). It was good to see him, but hard. Patrick and I walked him almost all the way down the street to where the shelter is. I asked if he wanted to get breakfast with us in the morning and he agreed. That night we bought him a new pair of shoes, undershirts, long johns, ear plugs, and some other things he might need and or want. It was so strange going to purchase all of these things for my dad. Over the years there have been many times where we have done this for one of our homeless friends. Not family. If you could, dear blogger community (if there is one? Not sure that anyone but maybe my husband reads this anymore) will you please pray for him? He is looking for a job, but his situation makes it very difficult for him to find one.

This whole situation has certainly given me a new perspective on serving the homeless community in Charlotte. Anyone of those people could be just like my dad. It has rekindled a passion that has sometimes struggled with feelings of monotony after so many years and a feeling of helplessness in really being able to help them.


A few of Sunday's ago, some old friends of ours invited us to their church because Derek Webb was going to be there. Derek has been one of my favorite artists for many years. I've seen many shows over the years, but it had been a really long time. I really like a lot of his thoughts and ideas when it comes to Africa, the Church, loving your neighbors, politics, etc. He talked some about politics since the church was wrapping up a long series about the politics of Jesus. You can read a really good article by him, in my opinion, here about voting.

He also briefly touched on a subject I have been thinking about and agree with completely which is the idea that it's not the governments responsibility to take care of the poor. That's not to say we shouldn't agitate our government to do so, however it is my belief this is The Church's responsibility more so than the governments. I think my energy is better spent working in unity with The Church to take care of the least of these than to lobby the government to do it for me/us.

There are a lot of churches that do a really good job of taking care of the poor, but there are just as many if not more that do not. I feel God teaching me, tugging at me, challenging me to be more generous period. When this thought comes to me originally I feel like I need to go back to boot camp of filling my entire life up with serving/volunteering somewhere, but He is freeing me of those thoughts lately. Something I learned in a study I did said, "God cares more about what you become than what you do." That has stuck with me because for so long I have been so much more focused on doing than being. I know I have talked about that before on this blog, but I still have so much more to learn and more changing to go through and will ever be learning and changing until I die. I just keep trying to remind myself of this and then just let go of the empty doing. Not that they aren't good things, but if I am doing more than I'm becoming, what's the point?? I think I'll end this random and ridiculously long blog now. These are just my latest thoughts and wrestling's. I hope all is well with you and yours this Christmas season. Patrick and I had a Christmas party Friday, so hopefully this week I'll post some pictures from that. Til next time....

Seeing (RED)

Literally:



Figuratively:

I have been thinking about this over the past few days, and each time my blood pressure goes up a little. I know there are a lot of other (RED) products out there, but I'm going to pick on Starbucks since it's the most recent one I've seen. First I will say I am not blasting the (RED) Campaign. I think it is well intentioned and an innovative way to get the private sector made aware of and involved with what is going on in Africa.

So Starbucks. If I understand correctly, for every signature drink purchased, they will donate 5 cents to Global Fund. Shut up! A whole 5 cents???? I think I'm feeling a little generous too. Signature drinks for everyone, on the house. All for the sake of Africa! Please hear my sarcasm. As I stood in line for my weekly Starbucks treat before work Friday, I thought of how convenient it is to have campaigns such as this. Not only do I get my overpriced gourmet coffee fix, but I can feel all warm and fuzzy about my $4 dollar purchase because I just helped Starbucks help the (RED) Campaign help Africa, so I feel warm and fuzzy about Starbucks too. It's way better for me to spend my money here than some other coffee shop, right? Buying coffee here is like helping to save the world. Heck, maybe I'll come here everday on my way to work! Oh wait, I didn't buy a signature drink. Well, I will next time. Please hear the sarcasm again friends.

What makes my blood pressure go up is that we attach something like the (RED) logo to some product and we can in a sense let ourselves think that we are helping the greater good while filling our houses or bellies with things we don't really need anyway. We can justify our little (or big) indulgences because a part of the proceeds goes to a good cause. It's like the best of both worlds. I get my coffee, Starbucks gets my money and goodwill, and Africa gets a tiny share of each drink. It eases our consumers conscience by justifying our purchases.

However, because I am ruled by The Holy Spirit and another Kingdom than the one we see, touch, and interact with daily, this just doesn't do it for me. I found an article discussing the effectiveness of the campaign.

Bono set up RED because he thought that Make Poverty History, Live8 and the One Campaign (a massive lobby in the United States) had successfully put on the pressure to get governmental action at the international level. But not every one wants to join such campaigns. And not everyone gives to charities. There were two areas yet untapped - the private sector and consumers who like buying stuff, like the idea of helping others, but who are too idle or too self-centred to actually get up and do anything. RED was the attempt to draw into the wider coalition for Africa people who, if they didn't buy a RED iPod would just have bought one of another colour.

Is RED a big flop?

It all sounds like a pretty convincing success story to me. Buy Less Crap? The only people who seem to need to take that advice are the editorial staff of an American trade magazine called Ad Age.

Ingenious really. Let's give selfish, idle people who don't want to give to charities a way to feel good about stuff their going to buy anyway. Essentially that is what this article is saying. This is our society, which is what makes my blood pressure go up and makes me sad at the same time. What if we did buy less crap? What if I passed up my Friday morning indulgence to go to Starbucks and instead of letting Starbucks be ever so generous for me with their 5 cent donation (which is a tax write off people), maybe I could take the $4 and give it to Global Fund myself. However, that would require sacrifice, which isn't something America knows a lot about except when it comes to fighting for our freedom. Don't get me wrong. I love Starbucks. I'm not saying don't go to Starbucks or buy (RED) products. Let's not let our generosity only extend as far as our purchases. That is a tragedy in and of itself.

Random

So since I need a little humor in my life from being overworked, uncertain, and because I've started four blogs and just don't have the inspiration to finish any of them, I'm posting some of my favorite funny videos. Laughter is good for the soul, right?










This one gets funny at the very end.

Meanderings

Ya know, I usually literally start like three blogs and never finish them before I actually post one. I wish it came easier to me, but alas it does not. I am working on one called "Finding My Calcutta," which I would like to finish tonight while I have some free time, but I'm not just able to pour it out of my heart tonight. Does anyone ever get like that?

Things are settling in with my job pretty well. It's still not exactly what I want to be doing, but I'm still surrender and submitting what God wants me to do with my life to Him.

Patrick and I are still trying to figure out where to serve in our church and wrestling with where our community is. I have had a deep longing lately for rich, authentic, and organic community. I guess you could say I am in a dry spell. Patrick is learning and growing in the spirit like a weed lately, which is awesome and praise God! I guess things are coming to me more subtly. It's like nothing and everything changed when we got married. Community is one of those things. I still have my very dear friends, but I don't live with some of them anymore. I don't have long girl talks after Patrick goes home later. I have to work at it a lot harder, which is hard sometimes when you and your friends have busy lives. I am a drop in kind of friend. I like to be spontaneous, which made living with three girls for almost four years out of college so much fun. "Hey you wanna go...." at 11pm on a work/school night. I am in bed usually by 9 or 10 at the absolute latest now. I'm getting old!

I have felt a little lonely lately, and not lonely in the sense of the kind of loneliness I felt in some of my single days. A deep ache that is echoed in a lot of my older blogs. It's different. Last weekend I was volunteering at the race track with my church (we drive the golf carts and man the info booths every race) and I was just in a funk. I couldn't place my finger on it, but I just felt....detached. There are so many other things I am wrestling with currently that are weighing on me. Not in a this-burden-is-so-heavy-I-can-barely-take-another-step-forward. It's like a fog.

I go through seasons of this every so often. I get this feeling like I need to go somewhere else, not necessarily move or anything, but uproot myself from my current community and go to another one. Then the ping pong match starts in my head and I never go anywhere (I've been in the same place for six years this month actually!). Of course now, this is a whole other deal now that I'm married. It's no longer just my decision. I'm not saying I want to do this, but I can't seem to marry the idea of doing and being when I'm not growing. I want someone, other than my husband, to really know me (a female of course). Call me out. Ask me how I am doing in certain areas of my life. Challenge me. And every time I get to this place, I immediately mentally slap myself on the wrist for being selfish. Then I never go anywhere. Just spinning my wheels. I know that the Lord is/can/will be this for me, but then I also know I am called to live in community. So there is some kind of balance between the two. There is a need for both evangelism (I tend to be less gifted at) and discipleship (I tend to be more gifted at). Don't get me wrong, I have awesome friends. Community for me lately is a lot more forced and less organic. I take my own responsibility in this.

My question now is what does true discipleship look like? That's what I want to know, see, experience, and share. I realize that so much of my thinking is faulted. I am just trying to work through it all right now. These are just my honest and raw thoughts about where I am at at this current moment in time.

I want to be the change I'm longing for. I just don't know what that looks like. I'm not a big group gathering gal. I am a one-on-one person. However, I can't spend the rest of my life only hanging out with people on coffee dates. I get that. There is something that has overcome me lately in group gatherings. A tension in my heart that I am almost certain has to be from satan. Ugh. It's nothing new. The situations are different now, but the feeling is the same.

I want real community. More than getting together than just to complain or gossip. That's right I said it. So many people (including myself more than I like to admit) would have nothing to talk about if they weren't allowed to complain or gossip because both of these can take all sorts to forms and is a sneaky sneak tool of satan.

Lord, rid me of complaining and gossip. Convict me. Deconstruct the places in my heart that need your change and reconstruct me in Your ways. I can't do it on my own. You know how many times I have tried and still do try to do it alone. I'm sorry. Unleash the power of Your Spirit in me which can work mighty and powerful things into this weak and faltering heart. I am in desperate need of You.

Basically this blog makes no sense, but that is about how much sense I can make out of how I feel right now.

Transition, Transition, Transition......

I guess transition is just a part of life. Sigh. I'm a little tired of it. Some of it is fun and exciting, some of it is scary and unknown, and some of it is just down right frustrating and exhausting. I'm starting a new job tomorrow. I am on job number four only four years out of college. I think it will be good, but I am anxious to get trained and settled into a routine. My waistline doesn't do so well with out routine. Does anyone know what I mean? I have a love/hate relationship with routine. Within 7 months I got engaged, bought my first home, got married, and now I'm starting a new job. Whew! Things have been busy to say the least.

I have really struggled to find my place. So many things have changed or happened within the last year or so. It feels like the dust has finally settled and now I'm left trying to figure out where I go from here. My husband and I read the book Sex God by Rob Bell (I totally recommend this book for anyone single or married) before we got married. He talked about marriage having a mission. It pressed on me so much I incorporated it into my wedding vows to Patrick. I so badly want to know what God's mission is for our marriage. I so badly want to be challenged more deeply, to know Him more deeply. I just can't do this on my own. I've tried and it doesn't work. I just want more..... So for right now my heart is in a place where it simply feels out of place. Something is churning within me, which I am thankful for, but I'm not sure what the revelation is yet. It's still working itself out in me.

I had a really awesome conversation with my very dear friend on gmail chat a couple weeks ago. She is getting married in 16 days! So exciting! She was asking how marriage is going for us and I shared some of the challenges we've encountered. Marriage for me has been like a mirror. It has been refining. Married life is amazing especially since I'm married to a wonderful, sweet, and humble man. He teaches me so much. At the same time it is hard at moments. All these things you thought you agreed on and would be no sweat once married didn't exactly work out that way. So far we've worked through those kinks, but sometimes they catch you off guard when you thought you already had that figured out. One of the things I shared with her was how we have had to continue to learn how to communicate with each other when we have a "miscommunication" or you could also say a disagreement.

I can be fiercely stubborn. I have learned the hard way that it is so much easier to just be humble, open and responsive from the very beginning. It only takes two nights of no sleep and long heart heavy days at work because you went to bed mad because you refused to talk about it, to make one learn you don't ever ever ever want to go through that again. The former is harder than the latter but you have to eventually do the latter anyway because it's miserable to not be at peace with the person whom you not only share a roof but also a bed so why not just chose the harder but in the end easier route. Follow me? The first month, so far, has proved to be harder than the second. I would like to think that it's because we're learning and growing and getting better at the marriage thing. The other thing I shared with my friend was learning to not act a fool because now you don't have to worry about this person going anywhere. In dating, you still walk the line a little bit, even with an engagement ring on your finger, but I have had to learn how to react/respond in a more gentle manner when something upsets me or rubs me the wrong way.

I am learning so much about myself, which is good but also hard. I read somewhere about this book that says something to the affect of what if God created marriage to make us holy rather than happy. Wow. Yeah. Being married is refining me. Patrick and I are learning together. I married a wonderful man who puts up humbly and gently a lot sometimes from his slow to learn wife. For that, I am extremely grateful.

This post is somewhat random and all over the place, but these are things that have been going on without and within me lately. Until next time.....