I wrote this back in September, and I just want to reach back in time and give myself a hug. Things just a few short months later are so much easier. I know I will need this reminder again when the next baby arrives later this summer, so to any other moms in the thick of it, this is for you. Wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze. Accept this as a big fat virtual hug from me to you.
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Do you ever have a lot to say but you don't know where to start? It's 9:30 pm and Liam finally went to sleep about an hour ago. I am so tired and really should be asleep, but I wasted an hour browsing the internet (namely Facebook...grr) and need to brain dump.
Life lately has felt numbingly exhausting. Are there any other 9-5 moms out there? How do you do it? Do you cook? Clean? Have hobbies? Exercise? Any of the things? I think about past seasons of life a lot. I don't live in the past, at least I don't think I do, but I am keenly aware of where I've been and how I got where I am today.
I feel like the rat race is eating me alive. Scratch that. Life in general is eating me alive. I feel like I need a life coach to come spend a day or a couple of days with me and tell me what I'm doing wrong and how I can fix it. Let me give you a little sample of my day.
Liam is my alarm clock. He wakes up between 7-8 am, and I swear it's always when I'm in a deep stage of sleep. His crib is in our room, so I roll over to see his smiley face giggling and light up when I roll over and acknowledge him. It's pretty cute actually. You can see for yourself here.
My mornings are followed by nights where my son wakes up between 3-6 times at night. Yes you read that right. TRHEE TO SIX TIMES. During the summer Patrick did almost all the night feedings, which were not as many as they are now, but now that he's back in school we share night duty. I usually do the first 2-3 and he'll do the remaining. Regardless we don't get a whole lot of sleep, so I am a walking zombie. Little man was a dream sleeper from 6-12 weeks. I thought I hit the baby sleep jackpot because it was glorious. Right when I went back to work he decided sleep was for the birds, and it's been that way ever since. I digress.
I usually spend a little bit of time just loving on and playing with Liam first thing and then I change his clothes and diaper. I take him in the bathroom. He likes to stand at the toilet and bang on the seat, so that gives me enough time to brush my teeth. Then I put him in his johnny jump up which attaches to the doorway of our bathroom so I can see him while I get a shower. He doesn't love being in the JJU since he's extra mobile now. I usually have to shower pretty quickly because he gets upset after a few minutes. Sometimes I resort to singing songs and being generally ridiculous to buy me a little extra time to shave my legs. Shaving my legs everyday is a luxury I'm not willing to give up.
If he's not in hysterics by the time I get out of the shower I'll try to finish getting ready which consists of moisturizing, deodorant, hair product applying, drying my hair, and getting dressed. I don't even wear make up anymore. Lately I've been able to get my hair dried while he pulls up on the side of the tub and bangs around. However usually he's crawling off to go explore. Our room is not exactly baby proof, so there are a LOT of things not kosher for baby. I spend my mornings chasing him all over the place and doing things I never thought I would like saying, "No, no, no!" 100 times.
Our nanny gets here around 8:45ish. We chat about how he was the previous day (Patrick gets home first) and/or other things. I try to leave the house around 9 am.
I get out the door to go to work by the skin of my teeth most mornings, exhausted, and with my sanity hanging by a thread. Then of course I work until 5ish. I get home around 5:30-6. By now I am flat out, totally, and completely exhausted. There is limited time when I get home because Liam really should start going down for bed around 6:30. Sometimes we start bedtime stuff around 7, but either way it's not much time.
Sometimes we run out on an errand as a family. Sometimes we go for a walk. Sometimes we just play in Liam's room. Then it's time for bath (some nights), pj's, bottle, and bed. Start to finish this can take anywhere from 1 to 2 hours. Tonight Liam fell asleep at 8:30 and Patrick soon followed suit because he's up at 5 am for work. I barely talked to my husband today, and a lot of days go like this. It's now a few minutes past 10 pm, and I need toothpicks to keep my eyes open. I'll go to bed (soon hopefully) and start it all over again in a couple hours when Liam wakes up wanting to eat.
I know this won't last forever. I know this. What I struggle with is being spread so thin and so exhausted all the time when I have this most precious little boy who is changing so much and growing so fast. I want to slow down. I want more margin. So 9-5 working moms. How do you do it?
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