Sunday, October 05, 2008

Transition, Transition, Transition......

I guess transition is just a part of life. Sigh. I'm a little tired of it. Some of it is fun and exciting, some of it is scary and unknown, and some of it is just down right frustrating and exhausting. I'm starting a new job tomorrow. I am on job number four only four years out of college. I think it will be good, but I am anxious to get trained and settled into a routine. My waistline doesn't do so well with out routine. Does anyone know what I mean? I have a love/hate relationship with routine. Within 7 months I got engaged, bought my first home, got married, and now I'm starting a new job. Whew! Things have been busy to say the least.

I have really struggled to find my place. So many things have changed or happened within the last year or so. It feels like the dust has finally settled and now I'm left trying to figure out where I go from here. My husband and I read the book Sex God by Rob Bell (I totally recommend this book for anyone single or married) before we got married. He talked about marriage having a mission. It pressed on me so much I incorporated it into my wedding vows to Patrick. I so badly want to know what God's mission is for our marriage. I so badly want to be challenged more deeply, to know Him more deeply. I just can't do this on my own. I've tried and it doesn't work. I just want more..... So for right now my heart is in a place where it simply feels out of place. Something is churning within me, which I am thankful for, but I'm not sure what the revelation is yet. It's still working itself out in me.

I had a really awesome conversation with my very dear friend on gmail chat a couple weeks ago. She is getting married in 16 days! So exciting! She was asking how marriage is going for us and I shared some of the challenges we've encountered. Marriage for me has been like a mirror. It has been refining. Married life is amazing especially since I'm married to a wonderful, sweet, and humble man. He teaches me so much. At the same time it is hard at moments. All these things you thought you agreed on and would be no sweat once married didn't exactly work out that way. So far we've worked through those kinks, but sometimes they catch you off guard when you thought you already had that figured out. One of the things I shared with her was how we have had to continue to learn how to communicate with each other when we have a "miscommunication" or you could also say a disagreement.

I can be fiercely stubborn. I have learned the hard way that it is so much easier to just be humble, open and responsive from the very beginning. It only takes two nights of no sleep and long heart heavy days at work because you went to bed mad because you refused to talk about it, to make one learn you don't ever ever ever want to go through that again. The former is harder than the latter but you have to eventually do the latter anyway because it's miserable to not be at peace with the person whom you not only share a roof but also a bed so why not just chose the harder but in the end easier route. Follow me? The first month, so far, has proved to be harder than the second. I would like to think that it's because we're learning and growing and getting better at the marriage thing. The other thing I shared with my friend was learning to not act a fool because now you don't have to worry about this person going anywhere. In dating, you still walk the line a little bit, even with an engagement ring on your finger, but I have had to learn how to react/respond in a more gentle manner when something upsets me or rubs me the wrong way.

I am learning so much about myself, which is good but also hard. I read somewhere about this book that says something to the affect of what if God created marriage to make us holy rather than happy. Wow. Yeah. Being married is refining me. Patrick and I are learning together. I married a wonderful man who puts up humbly and gently a lot sometimes from his slow to learn wife. For that, I am extremely grateful.

This post is somewhat random and all over the place, but these are things that have been going on without and within me lately. Until next time.....



3 comments:

  1. Anonymous8:50 PM

    hey! you posted! I only got half way through and had to comment and say how glad I am that you are posting..btw, you looked beautiful on your wedding day..love the photo!

    from one fiercely stubborn gal to the next, transition just ain't fun. hang in there

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  2. Anonymous1:03 PM

    BLOG AGAIN! I miss you

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  3. I'm working on one! It's so hard for me to crank out blogs, but I'm trying. Thank you for reading and commenting. It is an encouragement and I truly appreciate it. :)

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