I Am His

I have sensed change is coming or is in its beginning stages like when you begin to feel the air become crisp and cooler and the trees adorn themselves in their changing wardrobe of reds, organges, and yellows of fall. I always feel some sort of anticipation in the fall. It's like a promise or at least a hope in things to look forward to are coming. Obviously, life is always changing, but you know how there are times when you feel like everything seems monotonous and you wish for change? A new season always causes hope to bubble up in my heart wondering what things it will bring. I have felt like that lately and it seems that change has been especially rearing its head.

The past several weeks have been weird. A lot of different things going on in the peoples lives around me. Honestly, I have been freaking out. Unable to fully process one thing becuase one minute I was rejoicing in the news of new life coming and then feeling sadden at the unnecessary tragic loss of a young man. A slight decline for unknown reasons in my mothers health and possible changes or even loss of my job. Stablizing and growth in some friendships and destablization and decline in others. Up and down. Round and round. It all seems to happen so fast.

Tuesday I was flooded with overwhelming emotion, the kind where it makes usually normal interactions especially hard and draining. I don't know how to explain it any other way than that. I don't know if I am in a season of testing, but it has been an especially trying week. Places and things where I had found peace felt like it had become a war zone. Destruction of things once reparied or healed blown to bits. I found myself feeling like God wasn't enough. I didn't "feel" like seeking His will or His kingdom. I have experienced times like that before, but it had been a while. It has felt like intense time of testing, and I so desperately want to pass with flying colors.

For so long I have felt like I was in a holding pattern. It actually felt more like a cell most of the time, but it was and still is a season to learn to wait and have patience. To be still and know that the Lord is God. It has not been an easy time, but then again, what times are ever really easy in our lives? I'm sure you know what I mean.

Anyway, I have been thinking and have had this strong sense for lack of a better description that no matter what I do or where I go, I am The Lords. It has been a great source of comfort. Absolutely no matter what I AM HIS! Originally it was more like a thought that occured to me, but it has been a resounding reminder in my thoughts and feelings that I belong to God. There are things that I struggle with, and I am thankful for grace, but when it comes to being about the Lords work it's almost as though I have no choice. I struggle with desiring the things of this world whether it be in the form of material things, the way I look, climbing the corporate ladder, a relationship, or whatever, I completely trust that in the end the Lord will win out over all of those things becuase I am His. I have a growing confidence or at least sense in my heart that God will finish what He started in me.

To be more honest and vulnerable than I would really like, I have had this growing desire in my heart to belong to someone, and I find it really annoying dealing with such feelings because feelings are messy, and I don't always have tons of control over them. I have found the best and really only thing to do is just surrender them. Like Frou Frou said, "If love is surrender, whose war is it anyway." Anyway...

I AM HIS, and that will be and is enough. Enough said.