A faint heart and a Friday night

Tonight has been quite a journey. More of a journey of the heart and mind, but none the less, a journey.

I have been learning and trying to re-enter into consistent intimate conversation with the Lord. I read this today from the book I've been reading called, Too Busy Not to Pray by Bill Hybels.

"Sensing the carelessness and one-sidedness of our prayers, we begin to feel guilty about praying. Guilt leads to faint-heartedness, and that in turns leads to prayerlessness. When praying makes us feel guilty, pretty soon we stop praying."

Guilty as charged. This statement couldn't pin point more exactly where I fell off the planet when it came to conversing with the Lord in prayer. I have realize lately that I have become very faint hearted, and I know when it happened. I was so sure of something and when it came but didn't stay, I lost heart. Now I'm on a journey to allow the Lord to rebuild the robust and scandalous heart I felt Him shaping in me before.

Tonight I hung out with some friends at the bar at TGI Fridays. Appropriate considering today is Friday. There was nothing about the situation in particular that made me struggle. Just having a drink and some eating appetizers and chatting. Sometimes, out of insecurity, I try too hard. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but something in my personality overcompensates... for what? I'm not exactly sure. I don't have clarity yet. I'll just reach a point when I'm hanging out with people sometimes where I just want to stop. Stop talking, stop telling a story, stop whatever I'm doing in the moment that has any attention or involvement of me in the situation. This probably makes no sense, but it is the best way I can describe it. I feel like I've said too much, I'm taking up too much of the conversation, I'm too animated, I'm too emotional...whatever, you name it. I can't figure out if I feel this way because people are always pointing out that I'm "over whatevering" or if I really do or if it's a combination of both. It is rare that I just feel like I can be me and be at peace with whatever that looks or acts like. Anyway, I just had one of those moments tonight.

There was something about that environment that triggered something in me. This is also another hard one to explain. In my not so distant past, I made some stupid decisions which spun an awful web that left a heaping mount of consequences. I have overcome and have been healed in many ways, but sometimes there are things that just trigger that lure or desire for the ways of old. I hate it when it comes up. It's like I know that it's not good for me and that the ways of the Lord are. So at any rate, I decided to pay my tab and leave. I wanted to get away from these feelings.

I get in my car and I'm headed for home and I get into one of those states of mind and moods that is only interested in hearing and thinking on whatever will facilitate such a state of mind. I was pensive and evaluative in considering all these emotions and things and thinking about the Lord. It had been lightning outside and while I was driving home I could see the dark sky light up with a streak for a few seconds here and there. It was beautiful. It reminded me of the Lord. It was almost like Him saying, "Hey I am here. I am powerful and majestic, illuminating and mysterious." Even still it is lightning and thundering outside. I love it because it just re-centers me. Just two weeks ago we had a crazy thunderstorm. I mean, I haven't seen rain and thunder and lightning like this is a long long time. I just prayed for mercy as I drove my car to the movie theater, it was that crazy. It made me think about how I pray to the Lord, often approaching His Holy presence soo casually. He is THAT powerful times infinity and I so often don't pray like He is. If I had stood outside for just 5 mins of that storm, I would be praying like He was powerful.

Anyways, that was a bit off subject. So I'm in my car and thinking about what I'm struggling with at the moment and really thinking about the Lord and who He is and who He says I am. It was one of those nights where I had my Ipod on shuffle and it seems that it played exactly the right songs I needed and wanted to hear in that moment. I just felt at peace. It was like the struggle didn't matter anymore. The Lord was the only thing that mattered, and I just felt at peace with that. It was a good feeling.

I was reading through some of my old blogs tonight (on myspace) and it made me realize that I'm in a different place. A better place. For such a long time I was in such lonely dark places of struggle. Most all of it internal. I kept waiting for God to change my circumstances or bring someone into my life to rescue me. The funny thing is, is that nothing in my circumstances have changed but my heart has changed. It's like God has done a complete overhaul of my insides. I have peace and joy and hope for the present, which is huge for me. I used to always hope for the future. For things to be different and now I actually have hope for now. Peace for now. Joy for now. God is soo good. Jesus Christ had already rescued me. I needed to fall in love with that. I needed to let that be enough with the help of God's Spirit. I'm addicted. I know there are seasons of dryness, but I've been there for a long time spiritually speaking, and right now I just want to continue to be drenched and drink so deeply of His presence. My heart feels so sensitive and moldable, and I must say that it has been a long time since it has felt this way. Ready to be shaped by the hands of it's Maker. It's nothing I have done, but after reading old blogs and most of them being honest cries of struggle, I just have to share this. The Lord is good. He has blessed me a great deal. He is faithful. And the beautiful thing is that all of this has occurred in my heart. It's not something external. I want to learn how to live as though the bottom isn't going to fall out in any minute, but instead, just trust my Heavenly Father to know and work out what is best for me.