Stale

Lately, I have definitely expereinced some short lulls and mini glimpses of hope and optimism. This can happen up to 20 times in a single day. It's exhausting. My heart and life here for the past few months have felt stale. Sometimes I will have a great conversation, or I will just be really encouraged by an event or what have you, but then it's stolen so quickly.

A lot of the time I can't put my finger on what exactly has a hold of me. This whole being encouraged and discouraged over and over and over is enough to make my head spin. I just want some peace. I long for the mountain top. I even long for the valley because this in between is exhausting. It's just enough monotony to catch me off gaurd to where one day I realize my personal and intimate relationship with the Lord isn't so personal or intimate. Then it's like I must attempt to drag my way back because the guilt and such weigh so heavily.... oh sweet deception. How it lay hold of me so easily. I almost don't know how to grow in the Lord when things aren't bad. Sometimes I would just prefer to live in struggle, but I know He has more planned for me. Not living in struggle is it's own struggle. *Sigh*

I have started a study by Beth Moore called Living Beyond Yourself. It explores the fruit of the spirit. While I know the Lord is using me because I have been able to see some of the fruits, I feel so lacking in the growing of intimacy with Him. I almost just want to ask the Lord to send trials and hardship because those are the times of the my life I have grown closest to Him the most. Anyway, my whole point about bringing up the study is that she talks about entering in to what God has done for us, what He has already done. It's one of those things you "know" but you don't really "know" until the light bulb comes on one day. The Lord turned that light bulb on for me the other night while I was doing the study. My prayers lately have been that the Lord would help me to stop trying and just enter into what He has already done, what He is doing, and what He wants to and will do in my future.

That is such a hard concept to grasp.

Case in point. For the last several months, I have been really wrestling with joy. I was first really challenged on the subject when I listened to Franis Chan ( amazing teacher of the word) 4 part series about joy. It's hard for me to understand that God wants to bless me. Oh sure I know He has blessed me in more ways that I could even begin to count. Yet I lack true joy. I lack contentment. I lack peace. I lack so many things that I find when you study the fruits of the spirit. I lack these inner things that are so necessary and essential to a fulfilled walk with Christ. Ouch. I feel so far off and often beat myself up for not measuring up. I know it grieves the Lord that I do this because He wants me to understand how much He treasures me. To rest in what He has already done. I always get really stuck on certain things and go back and forth, back and forth, like a ping pong match in my mind. Like the doing and being.

A mind confident and at rest....still chewing on this subject. Pray for me if you ever think to. Pray that we as a body would all have minds confident and at rest.

I always meander so far off from what I originally tend to blog about. Hope was my original thought. So about that hope. Still waiting on the Lord. "Wait on the Lord and be of good courage and He will strengthen thine heart. Wait I say on the Lord." Psalms 27:14