Beloved Sojourner

Love that Transcends Logic

2009-01-26T20:02:00.000-05:00

*This is an old myspace post I decided to put on my "official blog."

As a child of Christ, we are loved by God. Yeah yeah, you know it, I know it. We know it. But do we? Are we radically changed and transformed by that idea daily? I'm not. Not in the least.

"It is a rare person who loses himself in the presence of other human beings...... Perhaps the most comforting characteristic of Christ is that He liked people. Were somebody to ask me to begin a religious system, I would sit down and write a book the way Muhammad and Joseph Smith both did. This would seem the most logical way to communicate new ideas. Writing in scrolls, however, was not something that interested Jesus. He never sat down and wrote a mission statement. Instead, He accumulated friends and allowed them to write about Him, testify about Him. Each of the Gospels reveals a Christ, who is with people, attended parties, drank with people, prayed with people, traveled with people, and worked with people. I can't imagine He would do this unless He actually likes people and cared about them. Jesus built our faith system entirely on relationships, forgoing, marketing efforts and spin. Not only that, but one of the criticisms of Christ was that He was a friend of pagans. Not that He hung out with pagans, but that He was their friend. I take great comfort in the possibility that Jesus would like me were we to meet face-to-face.......It must have been wonderful to spend time with Christ, with Somebody who liked you, loved you, believed in you, and offered a closeness foreign to sink-bound man. A person would feel significant in His presence. After all, those who knew Christ personally went on to accomplish amazing feats, proving unwavering devotion. It must have been thrilling to look into the eyes of God and have Him look back and communicate that human beings, down to the individual, are of immense worth and beauty and worthy of intimacy with each other and the Godhead. Such an understanding fueled a lifetime of joy and emotional health among the disciples that neither crowds of people jeering insults, nor prison, nor torture, nor exclusion could undo. They were faithful to the end, even to their own deaths....... I know in my heart they were not living the lives they lived or dying the deaths they died because they were doing something "right." -Searching for God Knows What/Donald Miller

Logic and fact have their place in this world, most certainly. But if you ask me, it's easier to cling to that which is in front of my face that which I can grasp and make sense of. I so often place the Lord in a box or turn Him into a checklist. Facts are easy. Relationships are messy. As a woman, I am supposed to be relational right? So this should be no sweat, but I fall so far short even in the places where I am supposed to be strong. In Francis Chans living with joy series, he talks about how he has to ask God daily to help him love others. He admits that he wakes up everyday thinking first of himself, his needs and desires. I have realized lately how poorly I love other people. I am so consumed with self, what Im struggling with, what I need, what I want. I want to be someone who loses themselves in the presence of others. I think that is so beautiful. I want to be so intricately connected to The Source of life that I am not only so full of life, but overflowing in such a way where I can just focus on giving and loving others. Content with second place and obscurity as Paul writes. I wonder how differently I would live my everyday life if I not only knew but believed that I am liked by God. How would I be able to relate and love others differently? I almost think its easier to understand we are loved than the idea that we are liked. I love my family, but I dont always like them. I use that same lens to perceive the way the Lord looks at me.

I look at these truths and first examine myself and then I look to the community. I feel that in some way it is forced community broken down to formula and logic. I accept my fair share of my part in it. I repent of it. As Mat has told me before, be the change. I will allow Christ to be the change in me. To breathe His relationship into a stiff and rigid heart like my own. Dont get me wrong, I am not bashing logic, but rather logic apart from relationship and so often take place of relationship. This is only my perception. Im not saying it is truth as far as our community goes. No doubt does relational, raw, authentic community exist because it absolutely does, but does anyone else besides me feel the pressure to break even that down to a formula? Does anyone else feel the pressure that says give space, dont create, dont expect, not too close, dont give too much, there will be nothing left of you, you will loose yourself, retreat, that person doesnt want to know you, dont share too much, you wont be/arent understood, you will be hurt, you will be let down, no one really cares? Maybe its just me, and if thats the case, than this is only a statement of how I feel.

"It is true that it is a powerful occurrence to have somebody look you in the eye and say you are worth something." Its also true that this is what Christ is communicating to every person all the time. If only I believed to the very marrow of my being I too could accomplish amazing feats with unwavering devotion.

Yay for Christmas Time!

2008-12-20T16:10:00.012-05:00

Hello friends. Christmas is right around the corner. I hope everyone hasn't waited until the last minute like me to get all of your shopping and preparations done. I have a small problem with procrastination. I think I just like doing things under pressure. Anyway, I thought I would post some pictures. We finally finished (sorta) our dining room table and have a normal livable space now. Enjoy.

Our Christmas tree with the bow tree topper I made myself. I was actually pretty impressed considering I have never made a bow other than the kind you tie your shoes with in my life. Let's just say it looks good from far away :)

This is all of us marveling over dan's waterproof phone as he submerges it in our sink.

Friends, food, and fun.

The table we got for a steal off of Craigslist that took forever for us to refinish.

Le kitchen

And one more just for fun.

Homeless

2008-12-07T13:53:00.012-05:00

In a couple of hours, Patrick and I will go downtown with a group of people to serve a meal on the sidewalk as we have done for the past several years. At first every Saturday and now every Sunday, as there are two groups who feed at 3:30 now. We used to walk up and down Tryon street with paper bags trying to find people to serve. Word gets around fast and now we have a line of people waiting for us when we get there. Patrick and I in our new married life have been seeking what God's mission is for our marriage. We don't feel as though we are anywhere close to having this figured out, as walking with God is a journey and His mission for us is a journey. However, severing the homeless has taken on a whole new meaning for me lately: My dad is currently homeless.

It's a really long story. One in which I don't wish to get into all the details because one it would take too long and two it's not really necessary for you to get my point. Patrick and I went to visit my family for Thanksgiving. I hadn't seen or talked to my Dad since April. I got married in August. I walked down the isle by myself. He was in jail the day I got married for back child support. Not an unusual occurrence. I had heard that he chose to go happily for six months because then they couldn't pick him up anymore for it. I was so hurt and mad when I had heard this. I wasn't sure if he would come anyway because of dynamics with our family, but still.

I decided to put down my hurt feelings and try to see him while I was in town. I had heard he was staying at the shelter downtown, which is where he's been since he was released from jail. I went to the library because my grandmother had said I might be able to find him there. Since it was a holiday, the library was closed until Sunday. Patrick and I started to walk back to the car when Patrick saw my dad walking down the street. I would have completely missed him.

We went to a place downtown to share an appetizer. He didn't want a meal. They feed dinner at the shelter, which he had to be back to at 4pm. His spirit was melancholy. He shared a little about his experience is jail. He was sad and angered that he missed our wedding (not exactly the story I had been told originally). It was good to see him, but hard. Patrick and I walked him almost all the way down the street to where the shelter is. I asked if he wanted to get breakfast with us in the morning and he agreed. That night we bought him a new pair of shoes, undershirts, long johns, ear plugs, and some other things he might need and or want. It was so strange going to purchase all of these things for my dad. Over the years there have been many times where we have done this for one of our homeless friends. Not family. If you could, dear blogger community (if there is one? Not sure that anyone but maybe my husband reads this anymore) will you please pray for him? He is looking for a job, but his situation makes it very difficult for him to find one.

This whole situation has certainly given me a new perspective on serving the homeless community in Charlotte. Anyone of those people could be just like my dad. It has rekindled a passion that has sometimes struggled with feelings of monotony after so many years and a feeling of helplessness in really being able to help them.

A few of Sunday's ago, some old friends of ours invited us to their church because Derek Webb was going to be there. Derek has been one of my favorite artists for many years. I've seen many shows over the years, but it had been a really long time. I really like a lot of his thoughts and ideas when it comes to Africa, the Church, loving your neighbors, politics, etc. He talked some about politics since the church was wrapping up a long series about the politics of Jesus. You can read a really good article by him, in my opinion, here about voting.

He also briefly touched on a subject I have been thinking about and agree with completely which is the idea that it's not the governments responsibility to take care of the poor. That's not to say we shouldn't agitate our government to do so, however it is my belief this is The Church's responsibility more so than the governments. I think my energy is better spent working in unity with The Church to take care of the least of these than to lobby the government to do it for me/us.

There are a lot of churches that do a really good job of taking care of the poor, but there are just as many if not more that do not. I feel God teaching me, tugging at me, challenging me to be more generous period. When this thought comes to me originally I feel like I need to go back to boot camp of filling my entire life up with serving/volunteering somewhere, but He is freeing me of those thoughts lately. Something I learned in a study I did said, "God cares more about what you become than what you do." That has stuck with me because for so long I have been so much more focused on doing than being. I know I have talked about that before on this blog, but I still have so much more to learn and more changing to go through and will ever be learning and changing until I die. I just keep trying to remind myself of this and then just let go of the empty doing. Not that they aren't good things, but if I am doing more than I'm becoming, what's the point?? I think I'll end this random and ridiculously long blog now. These are just my latest thoughts and wrestling's. I hope all is well with you and yours this Christmas season. Patrick and I had a Christmas party Friday, so hopefully this week I'll post some pictures from that. Til next time....

Seeing (RED)

2008-12-06T14:43:00.006-05:00

Literally:

Figuratively:

I have been thinking about this over the past few days, and each time my blood pressure goes up a little. I know there are a lot of other (RED) products out there, but I'm going to pick on Starbucks since it's the most recent one I've seen. First I will say I am not blasting the (RED) Campaign. I think it is well intentioned and an innovative way to get the private sector made aware of and involved with what is going on in Africa.

So Starbucks. If I understand correctly, for every signature drink purchased, they will donate 5 cents to Global Fund. Shut up! A whole 5 cents???? I think I'm feeling a little generous too. Signature drinks for everyone, on the house. All for the sake of Africa! Please hear my sarcasm. As I stood in line for my weekly Starbucks treat before work Friday, I thought of how convenient it is to have campaigns such as this. Not only do I get my overpriced gourmet coffee fix, but I can feel all warm and fuzzy about my $4 dollar purchase because I just helped Starbucks help the (RED) Campaign help Africa, so I feel warm and fuzzy about Starbucks too. It's way better for me to spend my money here than some other coffee shop, right? Buying coffee here is like helping to save the world. Heck, maybe I'll come here everday on my way to work! Oh wait, I didn't buy a signature drink. Well, I will next time. Please hear the sarcasm again friends.

What makes my blood pressure go up is that we attach something like the (RED) logo to some product and we can in a sense let ourselves think that we are helping the greater good while filling our houses or bellies with things we don't really need anyway. We can justify our little (or big) indulgences because a part of the proceeds goes to a good cause. It's like the best of both worlds. I get my coffee, Starbucks gets my money and goodwill, and Africa gets a tiny share of each drink. It eases our consumers conscience by justifying our purchases.

However, because I am ruled by The Holy Spirit and another Kingdom than the one we see, touch, and interact with daily, this just doesn't do it for me. I found an article discussing the effectiveness of the campaign.

Bono set up RED because he thought that Make Poverty History, Live8 and the One Campaign (a massive lobby in the United States) had successfully put on the pressure to get governmental action at the international level. But not every one wants to join such campaigns. And not everyone gives to charities. There were two areas yet untapped - the private sector and consumers who like buying stuff, like the idea of helping others, but who are too idle or too self-centred to actually get up and do anything. RED was the attempt to draw into the wider coalition for Africa people who, if they didn't buy a RED iPod would just have bought one of another colour.
Is RED a big flop?
It all sounds like a pretty convincing success story to me. Buy Less Crap? The only people who seem to need to take that advice are the editorial staff of an American trade magazine called Ad Age.

Ingenious really. Let's give selfish, idle people who don't want to give to charities a way to feel good about stuff their going to buy anyway. Essentially that is what this article is saying. This is our society, which is what makes my blood pressure go up and makes me sad at the same time. What if we did buy less crap? What if I passed up my Friday morning indulgence to go to Starbucks and instead of letting Starbucks be ever so generous for me with their 5 cent donation (which is a tax write off people), maybe I could take the $4 and give it to Global Fund myself. However, that would require sacrifice, which isn't something America knows a lot about except when it comes to fighting for our freedom. Don't get me wrong. I love Starbucks. I'm not saying don't go to Starbucks or buy (RED) products. Let's not let our generosity only extend as far as our purchases. That is a tragedy in and of itself.

Random

2008-11-07T22:17:00.002-05:00

So since I need a little humor in my life from being overworked, uncertain, and because I've started four blogs and just don't have the inspiration to finish any of them, I'm posting some of my favorite funny videos. Laughter is good for the soul, right?

This one gets funny at the very end.

Meanderings

2008-10-16T19:39:00.008-05:00

Ya know, I usually literally start like three blogs and never finish them before I actually post one. I wish it came easier to me, but alas it does not. I am working on one called "Finding My Calcutta," which I would like to finish tonight while I have some free time, but I'm not just able to pour it out of my heart tonight. Does anyone ever get like that?

Things are settling in with my job pretty well. It's still not exactly what I want to be doing, but I'm still surrender and submitting what God wants me to do with my life to Him.

Patrick and I are still trying to figure out where to serve in our church and wrestling with where our community is. I have had a deep longing lately for rich, authentic, and organic community. I guess you could say I am in a dry spell. Patrick is learning and growing in the spirit like a weed lately, which is awesome and praise God! I guess things are coming to me more subtly. It's like nothing and everything changed when we got married. Community is one of those things. I still have my very dear friends, but I don't live with some of them anymore. I don't have long girl talks after Patrick goes home later. I have to work at it a lot harder, which is hard sometimes when you and your friends have busy lives. I am a drop in kind of friend. I like to be spontaneous, which made living with three girls for almost four years out of college so much fun. "Hey you wanna go...." at 11pm on a work/school night. I am in bed usually by 9 or 10 at the absolute latest now. I'm getting old!

I have felt a little lonely lately, and not lonely in the sense of the kind of loneliness I felt in some of my single days. A deep ache that is echoed in a lot of my older blogs. It's different. Last weekend I was volunteering at the race track with my church (we drive the golf carts and man the info booths every race) and I was just in a funk. I couldn't place my finger on it, but I just felt....detached. There are so many other things I am wrestling with currently that are weighing on me. Not in a this-burden-is-so-heavy-I-can-barely-take-another-step-forward. It's like a fog.

I go through seasons of this every so often. I get this feeling like I need to go somewhere else, not necessarily move or anything, but uproot myself from my current community and go to another one. Then the ping pong match starts in my head and I never go anywhere (I've been in the same place for six years this month actually!). Of course now, this is a whole other deal now that I'm married. It's no longer just my decision. I'm not saying I want to do this, but I can't seem to marry the idea of doing and being when I'm not growing. I want someone, other than my husband, to really know me (a female of course). Call me out. Ask me how I am doing in certain areas of my life. Challenge me. And every time I get to this place, I immediately mentally slap myself on the wrist for being selfish. Then I never go anywhere. Just spinning my wheels. I know that the Lord is/can/will be this for me, but then I also know I am called to live in community. So there is some kind of balance between the two. There is a need for both evangelism (I tend to be less gifted at) and discipleship (I tend to be more gifted at). Don't get me wrong, I have awesome friends. Community for me lately is a lot more forced and less organic. I take my own responsibility in this.

My question now is what does true discipleship look like? That's what I want to know, see, experience, and share. I realize that so much of my thinking is faulted. I am just trying to work through it all right now. These are just my honest and raw thoughts about where I am at at this current moment in time.

I want to be the change I'm longing for. I just don't know what that looks like. I'm not a big group gathering gal. I am a one-on-one person. However, I can't spend the rest of my life only hanging out with people on coffee dates. I get that. There is something that has overcome me lately in group gatherings. A tension in my heart that I am almost certain has to be from satan. Ugh. It's nothing new. The situations are different now, but the feeling is the same.

I want real community. More than getting together than just to complain or gossip. That's right I said it. So many people (including myself more than I like to admit) would have nothing to talk about if they weren't allowed to complain or gossip because both of these can take all sorts to forms and is a sneaky sneak tool of satan.

Lord, rid me of complaining and gossip. Convict me. Deconstruct the places in my heart that need your change and reconstruct me in Your ways. I can't do it on my own. You know how many times I have tried and still do try to do it alone. I'm sorry. Unleash the power of Your Spirit in me which can work mighty and powerful things into this weak and faltering heart. I am in desperate need of You.

Basically this blog makes no sense, but that is about how much sense I can make out of how I feel right now.

Transition, Transition, Transition......

2008-10-05T17:17:00.011-05:00

I guess transition is just a part of life. Sigh. I'm a little tired of it. Some of it is fun and exciting, some of it is scary and unknown, and some of it is just down right frustrating and exhausting. I'm starting a new job tomorrow. I am on job number four only four years out of college. I think it will be good, but I am anxious to get trained and settled into a routine. My waistline doesn't do so well with out routine. Does anyone know what I mean? I have a love/hate relationship with routine. Within 7 months I got engaged, bought my first home, got married, and now I'm starting a new job. Whew! Things have been busy to say the least.

I have really struggled to find my place. So many things have changed or happened within the last year or so. It feels like the dust has finally settled and now I'm left trying to figure out where I go from here. My husband and I read the book Sex God by Rob Bell (I totally recommend this book for anyone single or married) before we got married. He talked about marriage having a mission. It pressed on me so much I incorporated it into my wedding vows to Patrick. I so badly want to know what God's mission is for our marriage. I so badly want to be challenged more deeply, to know Him more deeply. I just can't do this on my own. I've tried and it doesn't work. I just want more..... So for right now my heart is in a place where it simply feels out of place. Something is churning within me, which I am thankful for, but I'm not sure what the revelation is yet. It's still working itself out in me.

I had a really awesome conversation with my very dear friend on gmail chat a couple weeks ago. She is getting married in 16 days! So exciting! She was asking how marriage is going for us and I shared some of the challenges we've encountered. Marriage for me has been like a mirror. It has been refining. Married life is amazing especially since I'm married to a wonderful, sweet, and humble man. He teaches me so much. At the same time it is hard at moments. All these things you thought you agreed on and would be no sweat once married didn't exactly work out that way. So far we've worked through those kinks, but sometimes they catch you off guard when you thought you already had that figured out. One of the things I shared with her was how we have had to continue to learn how to communicate with each other when we have a "miscommunication" or you could also say a disagreement.

I can be fiercely stubborn. I have learned the hard way that it is so much easier to just be humble, open and responsive from the very beginning. It only takes two nights of no sleep and long heart heavy days at work because you went to bed mad because you refused to talk about it, to make one learn you don't ever ever ever want to go through that again. The former is harder than the latter but you have to eventually do the latter anyway because it's miserable to not be at peace with the person whom you not only share a roof but also a bed so why not just chose the harder but in the end easier route. Follow me? The first month, so far, has proved to be harder than the second. I would like to think that it's because we're learning and growing and getting better at the marriage thing. The other thing I shared with my friend was learning to not act a fool because now you don't have to worry about this person going anywhere. In dating, you still walk the line a little bit, even with an engagement ring on your finger, but I have had to learn how to react/respond in a more gentle manner when something upsets me or rubs me the wrong way.

I am learning so much about myself, which is good but also hard. I read somewhere about this book that says something to the affect of what if God created marriage to make us holy rather than happy. Wow. Yeah. Being married is refining me. Patrick and I are learning together. I married a wonderful man who puts up humbly and gently a lot sometimes from his slow to learn wife. For that, I am extremely grateful.

This post is somewhat random and all over the place, but these are things that have been going on without and within me lately. Until next time.....

God is moving. Insert Fear.

2008-07-10T23:39:00.007-05:00

It's late. I'm tired. It's been forever again since I last wrote on here. I have been thinking some lately about writing a new blog. Today however, it has pressed more on my heart, so while I have the opportunity to stay up late because I don't have to work tomorrow (RARE!), I figured this would be my perfect opportunity.

God has been speaking to me a lot lately. Words can't almost express how good it feels for my soul to get a good drenching of the Holy Spirit. I have felt so dry for sometime now that I am definitely releasing a huge sigh of thankfulness for any insight, teaching, or even correction from the Lord. I don't even know where to start. I could be up half the night trying formulate sentences and paragraphs to go through the ins and outs of what has been going on lately, so I will try to keep it slightly brief.

I'm going to start here and go backwards. Less than an hour ago I was driving home for the second time because the first time I realized I was locked out, and I didn't want to wake my roommate to let me in because she actually has to be up for work in the morning. I decided instead to drive 5 minutes to where my other roommate was hanging out and borrow her house key. In exchange, I gave her my garage door opener and promised to unlock the door to the garage. Meaningless details really, however, in this short drive there and back, I think I have learned something that could unlock potent power of revelation to fight the evil forces of darkness that have hovered so long in a certain area of my life. I shall explain....

There is probably nothing more debilitating to my spiritual walk and journey than this one thing.

Yes, that's right you guessed it.

Fear.

It over shadows my courage, my faith. It can come like a thick black fog in an instant and make a complete coward of me. I have always been a fearful person. I don't like to stay at home by myself. I get completely freaked out. I've gotten somewhat better, but when my mind starts to get creative, I can be completely overcome. This isn't only contained to fears of an intruder in my house in the middle of the night or day for that matter. It extends beyond these kinds of things.

My fears come in seasons.

I noticed that ever since last night, certain thoughts and feelings had began to creep into my mind and heart. Worries of loosing someone I love. Sometimes this fear can be extremely powerful.

It's really more than that though.

Yesterday I was in a mood. A bad mood. There were thoughts and feelings lying beneath the surface that hadn't been dealt with or talked about, which came out as a roaring monster towards Patrick. This finally led to a not so fun discussion after I finally just told him how I felt about a particular thing. I am so stubborn. I always want Patrick to apologize first. He almost always does. His heart is so sweet and tender towards me. I'm humbled at how no matter how ridiculous I can get he always in the end comes towards me gently and humbly. He teaches me so much. And it is HARD. It has been like a mirror of the ugliness in my heart. Through how he acts and responds towards me has shown me so many things about myself. Things that aren't pretty. Things that need to be reshaped and softened out by the Lord. It has been hard but sooo good.

Among some other things that have happened where heart change and conviction have occurred, all of this leads me back to my drive home. My heart has been softened, made more sensitive, convicted of sin, and many many other things, so God is MOVING in me.

And then comes the fear.

I'm getting married in three weeks. I start thinking about all these crazy ridiculous things about what if this or what if that. Debilitating thoughts of fear. I have experienced this time and time and time again. I felt like drawing back, retreating, settling back down into the place I have found myself lately, which is not sensitive or aware of the Spirit in and around me. Back to complacency where the fear for the most part stays away. The win of it all on my drive home from getting the key from my other roommate was the REALIZATION of satan trying to attack what God was doing. Trying to get me from moving forward in what God was showing me.

I HAVE to trust the Lord despite all these fears that swirl and loom within me sometimes. I have to TRUST that He is sovereign and His heart towards me is GOOD, which is exactly what satan doesn't want me to believe. God does not want me to live a life of fear. Satan does. I have a long way to go, but at least after tonight, I am aware of what is happening and start to pray against them.

God is sooo good. May I ever be able to say it despite any circumstance I might find myself in. That scares me even just to type it because I fear calamity and tragedy in my life. Lord please help me to walk in faith in you trusting that no matter what everything will be OK.

It's been a while.....

2007-12-27T16:34:00.002-05:00

It has been exactly a year since I last blogged. Long time! I have started 7 blogs since then but didn't have the inspiration to finish or publish them. 2007 has been an interesting year. A lot has changed. I actually have my own computer now, so there is no excuse for the lack of bloggage in my life. On a serious note, I suppose there is reason why I haven't blogged the past year. Usually God is tugging or writing something in my heart and that is what I blog about. I'm not saying God hasn't been working in me the last year because that is not at all the case, but the lessons/revelations have come slower lately. I have been/ am learning how to walk with the Lord in the different seasons of my life. I know that may sound silly or strange, but for me it has been a great challenge to learn how to stay near when my life isn't wrought with lingering ache, struggle, and brokenness. 2007 has been a year of healing, blessing, and change. I have still struggled, no doubt, but there hasn't been this looming fog of struggle and ache settled around me. It has been a year of surrender, LIKE WHOA! I have, with the help of the Lord of course, slowly untangled and let down walls and guards in my heart that have been painful but it has been good. The season I have been in lately is one that has been hard, but I have been able to see almost immediately the good of the difficulty. The past few years have been hard and the goodness that came from it all took a lot longer for me to see the fruit of it all. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but that is what this past season has been like for me. I'm pretty sure no one reads this thing, especially anymore, but I hope your 2007 has been one of purpose. I hope 2008 will be one of purpose, peace, and joy. Cheers!
*disclaimer: since this post, I published some posts that I had started but never finished, so technically it looks like I have blogged this past year. Ok that's all*

Living in the Question Mark

2007-07-08T19:21:00.001-05:00

I'm pretty sure no one reads this thing, especially since I haven't blogged in seven months. Things have changed in my life in such a way that I don't feel as free to be as vulnerable as I usually am when I blog, but alas I'm going to give it a stab. I have a lot I want to say, at least my heart is saying a lot, but my words are few. I have realized that no matter what place I come to in my life, I will probably always have to live in the question mark. There were times when I thought, "If this would just change or that would change, things would be more settled. They would be different." So far what I have found from life is that simply isn't true. The only thing I can absolutely count on is Christ. It's scary and comforting all at the same time. In certain seasons of my life I was so aware of that truth and feared how new seasons might dull my awareness of my need for Jesus. It certainly has not been the case. I feel as though I am more aware, which is a victory no doubt.

An Uncanny Peace

2006-12-27T10:04:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure how to start this one. My previous post, lessons, described the season I have been in this fall/winter. This past Friday and Saturday were mangled from one frustrating event to another. As things would become stressful and overwhelming, through tears my spirit would sink into weighing sadness. Then one thing would work itself out making the rest seem not so bad, and I would say to myself, "See, why get so worked up? It's going to be OK." But then something else pops up that causes the whole system of outlook and emotion to roar in to chaos. I couldn't win for loosing. This probably makes no sense, but I don't wish to bore you with mundane details. All this to say, by the time I headed to Asheville Saturday afternoon, I was at peace. And surprisingly enough, I've been that way since.

Usually going home is something to be dreaded and avoided. However, I had a rather lovely trip home. When I got to Asheville, I was completely taken by it's serene beauty. A total calm washed over my spirit. I saw people I hadn't seen in probably years because the last two years I drove down Christmas day and came back that evening, which left only time for the absolute necessaries to be visited. This was my third trip home in the last two months. That is record for me! It was a blessing to be home, which all I can do is thank and praise God because my family, especially during holidays, can be a challenge. Challenge is a gentle word to use, but again, I'll spare you the details.

Redefining Beauty

2006-12-15T10:42:00.000-05:00

Each morning I wake up and go through the same routine. Almost every single morning I stand in front of my large bathroom mirror critiquing and evaluating the way I look. I need to loose a few inches here, tone up some more there. Maybe another 20 lbs would do it. Yes, another 20 lbs and then we'll see how things shape up.

I have struggled with my body my whole life. I remember being in kindergarten looking at a picture of myself sitting on my knees playing and thinking to myself, "My thighs look fat." My little brother and his friends would constantly torture me with comments about my weight. I wasn't even really overweight, but it always hurt and I began to believe what they said was true. The last year of middle school and my freshman year of high school I had this jacket I wore every single day. It didn't matter how hot it was outside, that jacket did not come off of my body. My mom and other people would make comments about it, but I didn't care because it was my shelter. I could hide in that jacket. In college, I struggled intensely with insecurities about the way I looked and wrestled for about a year with purging. I finally felt the Lord saying, "Be done," as He started to heal the sickness of my own thoughts towards myself. Thanks to the healing power of Christ, I am no longer consumed or constantly uncomfortable in my own skin. I still struggle, but no way near the way I did when I was younger.

Anyway, after another morning of critiquing in front of my bathroom mirror, a thought occurred to me, "You need to redefine beauty. Not as the world defines beauty, but as I, the Creator, defines beauty." I processed the thought for a minute and realized how grossly off I am, even now. The world defines beauty as large breasts, perfectly proportioned faces, square jaws, long skinny legs, flat tummies, clear beautiful skin... none of which I possess. I think we need to take care of our bodies, eat properly, and exert ourselves in some way physically because simply having the ability to do so is a blessing. I have been transforming a lifetime of bad habits over the past seven months, but I still look at myself and say, "You have a long way to go..." Why?? I know I am not the only girl who has agonized and even cried over this issue, but why do we torture ourselves with so much self criticism?? We have wrongly defined "beauty." We have not accepted ourselves as our Creator accepts us, as He has fashioned us to be. Sometimes I just have to repent for the way I have criticized His work. The pressure and message of the world exists everywhere, but I believe that in order to break the bondage so many women have been shackled by for so long is to get on our knees and ask the Lord to give us His eye to see ourselves through. We have to capture self criticizing thoughts just like we would any other inappropriate thought.

"Be beautiful inside, in your hearts, with the lasting charm of a gentle and quiet spirit that is so precious to God." 1 Peter 3:4

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

Every girl wants to be beautiful, to be desired/desirable. Honestly, I think we all just want to be found attractive to someone. I do. We have to ask ourselves our reasons for wanting to be beautiful. Maybe it's for love, attention, affection, power, or what have you, but we must fight for true Godly beauty and flee from the perverted, twisted form satan has pitted against us. This past Sunday my pastor made the comment that Satan cannot create anything. He can only distort and twist what God has created. Lets go back to the places in our broken pasts that may have left scars or caused us to believe things about ourselves that are not true and invite the Lord in to speak truth and bring light. May we find balance in cultivating our inner beauty while also caring for our physical bodies, the Lords temple. We have to know that we are beautiful beyond comparison to our Savior and that is enough!

Lessons

2006-11-27T20:26:00.000-05:00

Sometimes a look on the inside is not very pretty so be warned.

A lot has happened since I last blogged; internally and externally. A few blogs ago, I talked about how I loved the changing seasons and how it always causes an anticipation to rise up in my heart, a hope for new things. However that hope has fallen with the leaves. I have wrestled with feelings of depression. It comes in waves that weigh so heavily on my spirit. Luckily it doesn't last long, but when it comes, it clings fiercly. I have entertained resentful and even bitter thoughts. I have wondered and questioned, "Where are you Lord?" It's a vicious cycle. I feel shame and guilt because I know such thoughts have no warrant and the Lord is not at fault for my restless and hopeless spirit. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be needy. I want to be strong in Christ, completely trusting Him regardless of how I feel or how I'm struggling. I cry out to Him saying, "How long Lord?" I have felt utterly discontent in places where I had previously found peace and contentment, which only added to the resentment and bitterness and then the guilt and shame. You get the picture. The tears have flowed freely for the past few weeks. I have felt out of place and found myself wishing to put distance between myself and certain people or situations.

I have wanted to give up all the steps I've taken, all the growth. As Francis Chan would put it, I wanted to take my puzzle and all the pieces that had been put into place and rip them apart. I was in a similar place last year, and I did just that. Out of brokenness that tarried for a season that seemed would never end, I decided it would make no matter if I threw away or destroyed what little seemed to be left. I was already broken. If I was going to be broken, I would rather it be from my own poor decisions than from obedience that got me no where. This was my flawed thinking at the time. I ignored the still small voice which now that I think back was screaming at me, pleading with me not to go into the darkness. I only flirted with it at first, rationalizing and justifying I was strong enough to stand steadfast. At first I was naive and then rebellious. It didn't seem to matter until after the damage was done and I was standing in the rubble of it all realizing it wasn't just my heart that was broken but my Lords. I had not only hurt myself but Him. Oh how deception can take one so quickly. The little lies I'm convinced are deadlier than the deadliest poison. I remember very specifically the lie while gathered with a group of friends one night, "You don't belong here. You are alone." Believing and feeling it was true, I trotted off to my own self destruction. This was almost a year ago. The trek back up from fallen ground was a painful one. The Lord forgave me instantly upon asking but forgiving myself took a lot longer.

All this to say, my recent feelings and struggles have positioned me to be vulnerable to such lies. I'm tired and weary. Tired of endlessly struggling with feelings that I have little control over and situations that drone on into meaninglessness. Life has fallen into a groove of monotony with little to look forward to. As these things churn themselves within me, I feel guilty and selfish. I have much to be grateful for, why can't I just be content with all that I have been given? What is wrong with me? These were the questions that plagued me and continued the spiral down. I have found myself talking with God less and less because I feel so unworthy to approach Him in such a state. I had prayed and surrendered and sought the Lord until slowly disease ridden thoughts and feelings started to grow and overtake my heart and mind like kudzu choking my clarity. However I do take comfort in Romans 8:26.

Then one morning this past week, His mercies renewed, it dawned on me, "My grace is enough for you." Meaning, it's O.K. I was humbled. My soul and spirit released a giant sigh. A sigh of refreshed peace and mercy, and the beautiful thing about it is I did absolutely nothing to warrant such a blessing but that's what grace is. If you look up the Greek word for grace it means unmerrited favor. I love that. I don't have to feel guilt or shame for where I am or how I'm struggling. The Lord is more than aware. He is my strength in my weaknesses. I realized that through my efforts in asking God to put me in the center of His will no matter what it took or surrendering certain things until I was blue in the face, I wasn't sitting still knowing He is God in those things, I was trying to bargain with Him. I was trying to control so when nothing "seemed" to come about from all my "trying" I end up frustrated and jaded. In the study of the fruit of the spirit I'm doing, Beth Moore talks about Christ feeding the 5,000 and how He instructed the disciples to make sure to only serve those who were seated. Moral of the story: Jesus took what little they had, made them rest in His provision, and there was plenty left over. I found that insight to be so profound because I never rest in God's provision. What I do instead is put myself through spiritual boot camp, which leaves little room for God's tender hand or gentle whisper. How I've missed the point all together. Praise God for grace.

Derek Webb says in one of his songs with Caedmon's, "the only thing I need is a void that you can fill and I jump ship and run even farther in your will/ and I'm looking for the well that won't run dry/ the rest that weary thoughts can not deny/ when you wrap Your arms around me I can walk away or face the emptiest day." I love this verse in this song because it totally speaks to the place I often find myself. The only thing I need is an ache, a void that God can fill.

Despite my enlightenment of these truths, I have still struggled intensely in the days following. The same hopeless and apathetic spirit overcomes me without warning. It has become a daily battle. I believe there are spiritual weights and implications to this season, and I have to continue to cling to the Lord despite how I feel. There is a lesson to be learned in this season, and I pray that I would be able to keep my eyes fixed on the mountain mover and not the moutain, rest in His provision, and cry out for my desire to be for Him and Him alone.

Our Condition Embraced

2006-10-17T08:03:00.000-05:00

For once I'm going to let scripture convey my heart. The struggle, the victory, the hope, and the love. I was going to cut out the highlights of what is being communicated in these passages, but I couldn't, so this will just have to be a really long post.

Romans 7

The Problem

14-16 I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

Romans 8

The Solution Is Life on God's Terms

1-2 With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

3-4 God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn't deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.

The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us.

5-8 Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn't pleased at being ignored.

9-11 But if God himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won't know what we're talking about. But for you who welcome him, in whom he dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God's terms. It stands to reason, doesn't it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he'll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus, bringing you alive to himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life. With his Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ's!

12-14 So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!

15-17 This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him
18-21That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the pesent hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

22-25 All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The
difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

29-30 God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

31-39 So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one. None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

I Am His

2006-10-02T21:16:00.000-05:00

I have sensed change is coming or is in its beginning stages like when you begin to feel the air become crisp and cooler and the trees adorn themselves in their changing wardrobe of reds, organges, and yellows of fall. I always feel some sort of anticipation in the fall. It's like a promise or at least a hope in things to look forward to are coming. Obviously, life is always changing, but you know how there are times when you feel like everything seems monotonous and you wish for change? A new season always causes hope to bubble up in my heart wondering what things it will bring. I have felt like that lately and it seems that change has been especially rearing its head.

The past several weeks have been weird. A lot of different things going on in the peoples lives around me. Honestly, I have been freaking out. Unable to fully process one thing becuase one minute I was rejoicing in the news of new life coming and then feeling sadden at the unnecessary tragic loss of a young man. A slight decline for unknown reasons in my mothers health and possible changes or even loss of my job. Stablizing and growth in some friendships and destablization and decline in others. Up and down. Round and round. It all seems to happen so fast.

Tuesday I was flooded with overwhelming emotion, the kind where it makes usually normal interactions especially hard and draining. I don't know how to explain it any other way than that. I don't know if I am in a season of testing, but it has been an especially trying week. Places and things where I had found peace felt like it had become a war zone. Destruction of things once reparied or healed blown to bits. I found myself feeling like God wasn't enough. I didn't "feel" like seeking His will or His kingdom. I have experienced times like that before, but it had been a while. It has felt like intense time of testing, and I so desperately want to pass with flying colors.

For so long I have felt like I was in a holding pattern. It actually felt more like a cell most of the time, but it was and still is a season to learn to wait and have patience. To be still and know that the Lord is God. It has not been an easy time, but then again, what times are ever really easy in our lives? I'm sure you know what I mean.

Anyway, I have been thinking and have had this strong sense for lack of a better description that no matter what I do or where I go, I am The Lords. It has been a great source of comfort. Absolutely no matter what I AM HIS! Originally it was more like a thought that occured to me, but it has been a resounding reminder in my thoughts and feelings that I belong to God. There are things that I struggle with, and I am thankful for grace, but when it comes to being about the Lords work it's almost as though I have no choice. I struggle with desiring the things of this world whether it be in the form of material things, the way I look, climbing the corporate ladder, a relationship, or whatever, I completely trust that in the end the Lord will win out over all of those things becuase I am His. I have a growing confidence or at least sense in my heart that God will finish what He started in me.

To be more honest and vulnerable than I would really like, I have had this growing desire in my heart to belong to someone, and I find it really annoying dealing with such feelings because feelings are messy, and I don't always have tons of control over them. I have found the best and really only thing to do is just surrender them. Like Frou Frou said, "If love is surrender, whose war is it anyway." Anyway...

I AM HIS, and that will be and is enough. Enough said.

Love your enemies

2006-09-28T08:27:00.000-05:00

VIEWER DISCRESTION ADVISED

This is the face of a man who is responsible for terrorizing, maiming, abducting, brainwashing, and violently murdering innocent children and adults alike for the past two decades. Joseph Kony is the leader of the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA), a rebel group in Uganda. Most of you reading this probably know all of the history and such, but if you don't, two resources I suggest are watching the Invisible Children DVD and going to bbc.co.uk and reading about Uganda.

This is a man who was abducted and mutilated by the LRA. His ears, nose, and hands have been cut off. He says he wishes he could be born again and that it hurts him to see his reflection.
If you want to read his full story go here http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/5129350.stm

I am opposed to the death penalty. I've had people argue it is completely biblical to punish someone by means of death. Personally, I don't know if it is biblical or not. While my position is influenced by my faith, I am not advocating that it is backed by scripture. I simply don't know. I am not a theologian or an expert in interpreting scripture. Thank goodness it's not a requirement to be a follower of Christ as His disciples proved. Romans 12: 17-21 is a particular challenge for me when addressing my passion for places like Uganda and Sudan.

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

In the face of such atrocities, I struggle with this truth. I want this man to suffer and pay for what he has done. Could I really offer him my coat, a drink, a place to rest his head, or if given the opportunity, would I deal out justice myself? Could I in peace serve this man even if he met me with violence? It's easy to serve, love, and give to these innocent and precious children whose lives have been stolen by the chaos this man had caused. Don't get me wrong, we are called to go to bat for the down and out. I am just pondering the idea of loving and caring for the enemy. The one who gives reason for a cause and a mission like the Invisible Children. Ya know, what does that look like?

What is the right thing to do? I think it’s a hard question to answer especially when we’re living in a nation willing to raise up arms in the face of threat, but what about the church? In a podcast with Derek Webb and Donald Miller, Donald speaking specifically about the situation in Darfur, said if he had the opportunity to pull a trigger and take out 100 people who were getting ready to kill 1000 it would be very hard for him not to. Derek said he believes we are called to love, which most Christians wouldn’t disagree with that, and stand in front of the bullet. That is hard to swallow…at least for me. I am quick to protect what is mine and what I consider my rights and the rights of others. What does it really look like to loose one’s life in order to save it? What does that look like for you? To really love those who hate you? Who threaten you, your life, those precious to you, everything you own? There are people who live in this every single day.

These are pictures from a man, Brian Steidle, who decided to give up a very lucrative job in order to sound the horn on what was really going on in Darfur, described as “the world’s worst humanitarian crisis” and also “the world’s most wretched location.”

A village burned after the janjaweed chased the people from their village

Loot divided up between the janjaweed from a village

A village destroyed

An individual killed by the janjaweed.

This is not just a rebel group. It is a group supported by the government. It baffles me. It breaks my heart.

You can not literally go a day without reading about more violence and death in Iraq. You have radicals waging war on Westerners and you have the United States waging war on fanaticism. I realize this world and our country are not perfect, but I wonder what our county and even world would look like if we put down our guns, if we chose to loose our lives instead of so furiously trying to save them. Are we willing to sell our souls for security?

We can not sit back and rely on the governemnt to take care of the worlds problems. It is the role of the church to care for the poor, the homeless, the lonely, the hurting, the depraved and desolate. It is my role, it is your role, and anyone else who is a child of Christ. I am currently reading a book called "God's Blog." It's written from the perspective of what would God say if He had a blog. It addresses the question of where is God when bad things happen. In the book God asks, "Where are you? When countries are sending in aid and humanitarian workers, my people should be going in in convoys. They should be the first people to arrive and the last people to leave." Wow. What if the entire church united and set out to love and aid this world, together?

Follow up to come shortly....What is your cause? Are you lukewarm?

Kingdom Family

2006-09-03T14:37:00.000-05:00

I am currently sitting in the bonus room of my sisters house in Oconomowoc, WI. We got back yesterday from two nights in Chicago. I had never been to Chicago before. It's a pretty cool city.

This is the first vacation I've ever took since becoming a working adult. I've taken vacation time to go to Mexico or a Passion event, but this is the first time I've ever taken substantial vacation that wasn't for something that had anything to do with church, so you can imagaine my excitment leading up to this.

Can I be really honest? I am miserable. I just want to be home. I went from two and a half crazy days in Chicago with out hardly a second to rest or really enjoy anything, to sitting in what feels like the middle of no where Wisconsin. We're about 20 minutes from downtown from what I hear, but I have no clue where I am or how to get anywhere, and who wants to navigate unfamiliar terrain by yourself.

I'm lonely and totally out of my element. I have realized this trip that it's really hard for me to just be myself around my family. They don't understand the silly or even the really serious parts of my heart. I read or even know people who describe their family as people who really know them. Where they can let their guard down and just be at rest enjoying the kinship. I envy that because that is very far from what I experience with my family. My family feels more like a battlefield. One in which I often feel lonely in fighting. I will confess these past few days has agitated a desire for someone to battle along beside me, but I know there are seasons to come where I need that to be the Lord and that to be enough. *sigh*

My sister and her husband are at a suprise birthday party for one of their friends. I went with them yesterday to another party another friend was having in the neighborhood. It's was fine and good and everything, but I declined to go with them today. Spare me the 20 kids running around and middle aged parents who all talk about their kids and other things that I have nothing in common with.

All this to say I miss Charlotte. I know this sounds stupid considering I will be home Tuesday, but being away has made me even more aware of how much I appreciate my friends, my church, and even my job in Charlotte. It is truly home. Sometimes in the complacency of life, I often day dream about what it would be like to visit or live in other places. I geth frustrated or bored with life and wish for new friends, new people, new places...whatever. Even though I am on vacation with familiar people, my family, they are a struggle. I love them dearly, but I don't know what I was thinking when I planned this trip to spend this much time with them where I would be so trapped, which is exactly how I feel right now.

When we go to Mexico for a week, I always miss my house, my bed, the city itself, but not usually so much the people because I go to Mexico with them. This time however, I miss you guys. And I am blogging to say that I appreciate all of my family in Charlotte because that is what they have become, family. Meredith, Brittany, Lindsey, Mat, Katie, all of my small group girls, Briana, Nicole, and everyone else that is apart of my family in Charlotte. Praise the Father for a Kingdom Family. It is so true that those bonds are thicker than bloodly ones. For anyone who has trouble with their earthly families for whatever reason, I certainly understand. When it's a burden and a lot of heart ache, I will rejoice that I have a family bound by Christ.

Dry and full of splinters

2006-08-11T16:40:00.000-05:00

This week has not been all together bad and it has not been all together good. I had a few stressful days at work, and I see insecurities popping up that I don't like much.

I have done most of this week on my own.

I hate that it is so hard to work in disciplines of doing my Beth Moore study, being in the Word, and talking with God and how easy it is to whittle away hours browsing online, cleaning the house, running errands, hanging out with people until there is no time or energy left at the end of the day so I just surrender to my guilt turn out the light. Then the next day and the day after that go along the same way, and before I know it, my eyes begin to wear heavy with stress and tiredness. I swear that used to be my life. Always tired and stressed and frustrated, but I never really quite knew why. Now I do.

I feel the tiredness in my eyes as I type this. There is a song by Sandra McCracken that I really like. She says...

"I'm afraid to be alone with you becuase I'm dry and full of splinters."

I feel like that right now. I need to find that place again like I did two Fridays ago. It's not the absence of struggle that brings freedom and peace. It's finding the freedom and peace in the midst of struggle. Sometimes that is easier than others. I hate how easiliy my heart can conjure up emotions for things. My emotions always get ahead of themselves then when reality catches up, I need healing.

Doing life on your own is not life at all. Let me hand it over to the only One who can give me living water to replinish my soul.

This makes me sad

2006-08-06T20:30:00.000-05:00

It doesn't seem fair, and I suppose that's because it's not. This picture is of a man carrying his nephew. I have a nephew. He's three. The thought of something like that happening to him makes me feel sick. I have read a few blog entries of an American living in Beruit right now. If I lived there I would think that the whole world would stop and get involved in the ciris in the middle east. We're not. Seeing with my own eyes and experiencing the terror everyday, I would want to know where someone is to come to my rescue? War is a complicated thing, and I haven't pin pointed exactly what I think about it. I'll read about it on cnn.com or usatoday.com or whatever while I'm at work. My heart aches as I look at pictures just like this one of others who have died or those mourning the loss of family, but we keep living our lives. Peronsonally I feel completely helpless to physically do anything. I know that the Lord is not surprised at all, and I try to somehow find peace in that. It just makes me sad to see and read about all of the grief and ache in those people. Innocent people.

A faint heart and a Friday night

2006-08-04T23:25:00.000-05:00

Tonight has been quite a journey. More of a journey of the heart and mind, but none the less, a journey.

I have been learning and trying to re-enter into consistent intimate conversation with the Lord. I read this today from the book I've been reading called, Too Busy Not to Pray by Bill Hybels.

"Sensing the carelessness and one-sidedness of our prayers, we begin to feel guilty about praying. Guilt leads to faint-heartedness, and that in turns leads to prayerlessness. When praying makes us feel guilty, pretty soon we stop praying."

Guilty as charged. This statement couldn't pin point more exactly where I fell off the planet when it came to conversing with the Lord in prayer. I have realize lately that I have become very faint hearted, and I know when it happened. I was so sure of something and when it came but didn't stay, I lost heart. Now I'm on a journey to allow the Lord to rebuild the robust and scandalous heart I felt Him shaping in me before.

Tonight I hung out with some friends at the bar at TGI Fridays. Appropriate considering today is Friday. There was nothing about the situation in particular that made me struggle. Just having a drink and some eating appetizers and chatting. Sometimes, out of insecurity, I try too hard. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but something in my personality overcompensates... for what? I'm not exactly sure. I don't have clarity yet. I'll just reach a point when I'm hanging out with people sometimes where I just want to stop. Stop talking, stop telling a story, stop whatever I'm doing in the moment that has any attention or involvement of me in the situation. This probably makes no sense, but it is the best way I can describe it. I feel like I've said too much, I'm taking up too much of the conversation, I'm too animated, I'm too emotional...whatever, you name it. I can't figure out if I feel this way because people are always pointing out that I'm "over whatevering" or if I really do or if it's a combination of both. It is rare that I just feel like I can be me and be at peace with whatever that looks or acts like. Anyway, I just had one of those moments tonight.

There was something about that environment that triggered something in me. This is also another hard one to explain. In my not so distant past, I made some stupid decisions which spun an awful web that left a heaping mount of consequences. I have overcome and have been healed in many ways, but sometimes there are things that just trigger that lure or desire for the ways of old. I hate it when it comes up. It's like I know that it's not good for me and that the ways of the Lord are. So at any rate, I decided to pay my tab and leave. I wanted to get away from these feelings.

I get in my car and I'm headed for home and I get into one of those states of mind and moods that is only interested in hearing and thinking on whatever will facilitate such a state of mind. I was pensive and evaluative in considering all these emotions and things and thinking about the Lord. It had been lightning outside and while I was driving home I could see the dark sky light up with a streak for a few seconds here and there. It was beautiful. It reminded me of the Lord. It was almost like Him saying, "Hey I am here. I am powerful and majestic, illuminating and mysterious." Even still it is lightning and thundering outside. I love it because it just re-centers me. Just two weeks ago we had a crazy thunderstorm. I mean, I haven't seen rain and thunder and lightning like this is a long long time. I just prayed for mercy as I drove my car to the movie theater, it was that crazy. It made me think about how I pray to the Lord, often approaching His Holy presence soo casually. He is THAT powerful times infinity and I so often don't pray like He is. If I had stood outside for just 5 mins of that storm, I would be praying like He was powerful.

Anyways, that was a bit off subject. So I'm in my car and thinking about what I'm struggling with at the moment and really thinking about the Lord and who He is and who He says I am. It was one of those nights where I had my Ipod on shuffle and it seems that it played exactly the right songs I needed and wanted to hear in that moment. I just felt at peace. It was like the struggle didn't matter anymore. The Lord was the only thing that mattered, and I just felt at peace with that. It was a good feeling.

I was reading through some of my old blogs tonight (on myspace) and it made me realize that I'm in a different place. A better place. For such a long time I was in such lonely dark places of struggle. Most all of it internal. I kept waiting for God to change my circumstances or bring someone into my life to rescue me. The funny thing is, is that nothing in my circumstances have changed but my heart has changed. It's like God has done a complete overhaul of my insides. I have peace and joy and hope for the present, which is huge for me. I used to always hope for the future. For things to be different and now I actually have hope for now. Peace for now. Joy for now. God is soo good. Jesus Christ had already rescued me. I needed to fall in love with that. I needed to let that be enough with the help of God's Spirit. I'm addicted. I know there are seasons of dryness, but I've been there for a long time spiritually speaking, and right now I just want to continue to be drenched and drink so deeply of His presence. My heart feels so sensitive and moldable, and I must say that it has been a long time since it has felt this way. Ready to be shaped by the hands of it's Maker. It's nothing I have done, but after reading old blogs and most of them being honest cries of struggle, I just have to share this. The Lord is good. He has blessed me a great deal. He is faithful. And the beautiful thing is that all of this has occurred in my heart. It's not something external. I want to learn how to live as though the bottom isn't going to fall out in any minute, but instead, just trust my Heavenly Father to know and work out what is best for me.

2006-07-22T13:57:00.000-05:00

At The Beach - The Avett Brothers Lincoln Theatre

2006-07-22T13:56:00.000-05:00

The Avett Brothers

2006-07-18T21:09:00.000-05:00

I went jogging today, and it was miserably hot outside. I waited as long as possible to go so that it would hopefully cool down. I was still a sweat factory at 8 o'clock, but I had been really excited about jogging today because I went for a jog Sunday and was feeling great. I jogged for a good while and could have kept going, but stopped only because I had company. Not because I was tired.

Well today I was thinking, "This is going to be easy." I was even planning on trying to do three miles. That ended up being quite an overestimation. So I'm jogging and it's hot and I'm tired and I never got a good pace and I was just trying to get to my goal. I ran 1.5 miles away from my house which meant I had to walk over 1.5 back if I stopped at my min of 1.5 for the day.

I struggled to do the 1.5 and it was starting to get dark so I turn around to go home and I'm still jogging trying to go as far as possible. A lady who lives on my street in my neighborhood had walked across the street to the other neighborhood to walk her three dogs and I saw her ahead of me. I was trying to jog faster so I could catch up and then walk home with her since it was starting to get dark. I continued to jog and ended up jogging past her and at this point I'm exhausted. My breathing isn't consistent, in fact I'm struggling for breath, my muscles ache, and I just want to stop. But I kept breathing. At this point, my body was pretty numb to any pain, but I was struggling for breath. As I'm gasping in air a thought occured to me...

"Just keep breathing. There is plenty of air. You won't run out." I don't ever worry if there will be enough air to take my next breath. My physical body will one day stop breathing, but there will still be plenty of air for the other billions of people on this planet to sustain life. I know this sounds silly, but it really made me think while I was running today that God is a lot like the air around me. I can't see it, but I can feel it, and it completely surrounds me. It's always there sustaining my life. No matter how much I need, it's there.

So I kept going. Phsyically struggling and definitely out of breath.. I kept spotting little goals ahead of me to get to and then I'd get there and keep going. As I was running towards each small goal, which was way past the original goal, I kept thinking about spiritual things I want to run towards. I had the choice to run today. I didn't like it very much while I was doing it because it was a really hard run, but I was glad I did afterwards. I can't count how many times I do things out of obedience and don't like it or even fully see or understand until sometime later when I am so glad that I chose to obey God. I find jogging to be a very spiritual thing, and I figured I would share my experience with you today.

Insulation

2006-07-12T19:19:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking about this word for sometime now. I decided to look up the definition and this is what dictionary.com said...

1. To cause to be in a detached or isolated position. See Synonyms at isolate.
2. To prevent the passage of heat, electricity, or sound into or out of, especially by surrounding with a nonconducting material.

Just in this alone, I found a few things to be very interesting. I will elaborate shortly.

As I grow to gain a wider perspective, knowledge, and understanding about other parts of the world, I can not ignore them. Other parts being less privileged places that is. I only discovered a few months ago that there was even a genocide occurring in Darfur. I have been insulated. Granted I feel like the only person who didn't know about this situation, but none the less it has had me thinking.

I think that being an American alone puts us at a disadvantage when it comes to this idea of insulation. We are a society of convenience. A microwave society of TV dinners. There are great things about this county, and I also am very thankful that this is my native land. However, I cannot help but to also notice the subtle disadvantages that aren't as easy to spot as say living in a third World County that is rampant with social injustice, war, aids, starvation, and a host of other ungodly horrors. I had a conversation with my pastor’s wife after she got back from her trip to Africa. I remember very distinctly her making the comment, "We just don't get it here." I have to say that I agree.

The American dream: You want it, you can have it! You can start from nothing and go to something. Who wouldn't be intrigued by such promises? I fall for them almost everyday. I can tell you what things insulate me. My car, its leather seats and turbo engine that I can hop into at any given moment and go just about anywhere I please. If it’s hot, I can keep the windows rolled up and crank up the air conditioning. Cold? Not a sweat. Crank up the heat and before long I can have a sauna if I so desire. Being at home is the same way.

Or how about my job? I sit at a desk with a nice comfy chair with about a million ways to adjust it to find my perfect comfortable sitting position. Climate control. My point is, if I am going to be physically uncomfortable, I pretty much have to choose to be uncomfortable because otherwise, I have everything at my disposable.

I'm not saying there aren't struggles living here in America. They are more subtle to be sure. One of my favorite musical artists, Derek Webb, said he believes America's wealth will either be its greatest blessing or greatest judgment. I would have to say I agree with him. A verse that comes to mind is Luke 12: 47-48

"The servant who knows what his master wants and ignores it, or insolently does whatever he pleases, will be thoroughly thrashed. But if he does a poor job through ignorance, he'll get off with a slap on the hand. Great gifts mean great responsibilities; greater gifts, greater responsibilities!

I feel as though the Lord has been peeling off the layers from my blinded eyes to the disparity that exists in this world. It used to frighten me because I used to fear He would send me to one of those places where there is unrest and murdering Christians is common. He has eased some of that fear mainly because my heart is broken at the knowledge of what suffering exists and how much of it is needless. My compassion and desire to aid has overgrown my fear of loosing. Whether it is loosing my life or my comfortable bubble, He has been ever so gentle with me. As I meditate on this verse, it almost hits me like a ton of bricks. Every time I drive past a homeless man on the street and don't stop because I'm on my way to work or because I have no cash, am I ignoring what the master wants? If I read this verse, it leads me to think so. It's challenging.

The more I grow in Christ and the more understanding given by the Holy Spirit increases my responsibility. I read through my journal last night. It went back a little over a year, and I was surprised because so much of my hearts cry in those entries are the same cries I have now. I thought to myself there must be something I need to investigate. There is something I'm not getting or have not yielded to yet. And I still don't know exactly what or why, but I keep thinking about how I am stewarding what God has given me. I so often go to the Lord in prayer and beg for Him to grow me, teach me, lead me, and He has and I know He will, but I think I go before His Holy throne not fully understanding what I'm asking for. Great gifts mean great responsibilities. Maybe I'm not ready for greater gifts than what He has already given me. And how many times a day do I insolently do whatever I please??

My last thought on the idea of insulation was simply this... If you take this idea and bring it to a more personal level and you look at the second definition of this word, you have a second condition.

To prevent the passage of heat, electricity, or sound into or out of, especially by surrounding with a nonconducting material.

Replace heat, electricity, and sound and I believe you have the root of this issue. How many times have I surrounded, whether it be my mind or my heart, with nonconducting material to prevent the passage of thoughts, feelings, truth, hurts, or whatever from entering or exiting? I am just an odd person. I can meet someone I barely know ( like when I first met my friend Briana) and spill my whole life story including emabrrassing sins and other vulnerable information about myself. However, because I am prideful and arrogant and insecure, I can throw up walls with people in a nano second that are 10 ft thick and concrete. Feeling insecure and arrogant? OK I'll just surround myself with nonconducting material and withhold encouragement from someone. Or am I feeling lonely and hurt? Sure, I'll be cold and distant so that any love you may have to soften or warm my broken spirit will never have a chance to penetrate. I wonder how often I have done and do this with Christ. How many times has he wanted to embrace me with unconditional love and acceptance and forgiveness but because I have chosen to insulate myself, I miss out on amazing blessings. Insulation can serve its purposes in healthy ways but more often than not it becomes the death of relationship. It disrupts the natural and vulnerable flow of connection between human beings.

At least this is how I perceive this idea in ways it has played itself out in my life. I am interested to know others perspectives on this word as well.

Stale

2006-06-29T20:06:00.000-05:00

Lately, I have definitely expereinced some short lulls and mini glimpses of hope and optimism. This can happen up to 20 times in a single day. It's exhausting. My heart and life here for the past few months have felt stale. Sometimes I will have a great conversation, or I will just be really encouraged by an event or what have you, but then it's stolen so quickly.

A lot of the time I can't put my finger on what exactly has a hold of me. This whole being encouraged and discouraged over and over and over is enough to make my head spin. I just want some peace. I long for the mountain top. I even long for the valley because this in between is exhausting. It's just enough monotony to catch me off gaurd to where one day I realize my personal and intimate relationship with the Lord isn't so personal or intimate. Then it's like I must attempt to drag my way back because the guilt and such weigh so heavily.... oh sweet deception. How it lay hold of me so easily. I almost don't know how to grow in the Lord when things aren't bad. Sometimes I would just prefer to live in struggle, but I know He has more planned for me. Not living in struggle is it's own struggle. *Sigh*

I have started a study by Beth Moore called Living Beyond Yourself. It explores the fruit of the spirit. While I know the Lord is using me because I have been able to see some of the fruits, I feel so lacking in the growing of intimacy with Him. I almost just want to ask the Lord to send trials and hardship because those are the times of the my life I have grown closest to Him the most. Anyway, my whole point about bringing up the study is that she talks about entering in to what God has done for us, what He has already done. It's one of those things you "know" but you don't really "know" until the light bulb comes on one day. The Lord turned that light bulb on for me the other night while I was doing the study. My prayers lately have been that the Lord would help me to stop trying and just enter into what He has already done, what He is doing, and what He wants to and will do in my future.

That is such a hard concept to grasp.

Case in point. For the last several months, I have been really wrestling with joy. I was first really challenged on the subject when I listened to Franis Chan ( amazing teacher of the word) 4 part series about joy. It's hard for me to understand that God wants to bless me. Oh sure I know He has blessed me in more ways that I could even begin to count. Yet I lack true joy. I lack contentment. I lack peace. I lack so many things that I find when you study the fruits of the spirit. I lack these inner things that are so necessary and essential to a fulfilled walk with Christ. Ouch. I feel so far off and often beat myself up for not measuring up. I know it grieves the Lord that I do this because He wants me to understand how much He treasures me. To rest in what He has already done. I always get really stuck on certain things and go back and forth, back and forth, like a ping pong match in my mind. Like the doing and being.

A mind confident and at rest....still chewing on this subject. Pray for me if you ever think to. Pray that we as a body would all have minds confident and at rest.

I always meander so far off from what I originally tend to blog about. Hope was my original thought. So about that hope. Still waiting on the Lord. "Wait on the Lord and be of good courage and He will strengthen thine heart. Wait I say on the Lord." Psalms 27:14

A Tapestry of Love

2006-06-27T15:10:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wish I could get outside of my head for a little bit and take a break. Sometimes I confuse thoughts for prayers. Amidst all of the clutter that exits in my mind, a particular scripture has stuck with me for the past month or so. I shall share...

"I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery. All the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and nowhere else. And we've been shown the mystery! I'm telling you this because I don't want anyone leading you off on some wild-goose chase, after other so-called mysteries, or 'the Secret.'" Colossians 2:2.

I want to know what it really means to have a mind confident and at rest.

It seems that the war so often takes place in my mind. Insecurities, indulgences, lust, worry and a host of other evils start in the mind with a simple thought and before long, if not captured, can run a muck and cause an entangled entrampment of my thoughts and then infect my heart. If not vigilent in capturing them they can become rooted into actions, which must be painfully uprooted. I try to imagine yard work as some spiritual battle. I figure there probably weren't weeds in the garden of Eden, so as I attempt the prune my yard of the pesky beasts, I visualize myself fighting the evil forces of the unseen world. Silly, I know. Anyway, back the scripture...

1. Woven into a tapestry of love. 2. in touch with everything there is to know about God. Lets repeat the latter. in touch with everything there is to know about God. Everything??? Is that possible??? I wonder? Something to chew on for sure.

I was getting ready to say that I wish I had something exciting to report, but I had to take it back because I do have something exciting to report. Sunday, it was my absolute and utmost privledge to baptise two very good friends. Both with very different stories, but beautifully broken in their lives to discover The Lord in all the rubble. It was such a blessing and truly refreshing. God is so amazing how He can come and refresh my soul at such a needed time.

I suppose that is all for now...

Grace and Peace